Faded Memories

30 June 2004

Inadequate.

There are no other words. Just inadequate. Maybe incomplete. Definitely imperfect.

A -- Thank you for making me feel loved/loving me. :)

Darn you for making me feel like crap.

dreaming aloud at 1:25 AM

29 June 2004

I fear that I escape too often.

Did you know? Showers are a great place to cry.

I don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight.

When my parents pass away, they would like to be cremated. At first I thought that was horrible, but now I think that would be better than being eaten by bugs [shudder].

Now thinking about weddings makes me sad.

I love borrowing boys' clothing. It's comfy and comforting.

Enchanting. What a lovely word.

It frightens me to watch my mom cry, exhausted and worried and stressed.

I feel like I can't do anything right. I think my mom is angry at me again. And is not really speaking to me. Sigh.

I feel trapped. Suffocating. But you're right, C. Our lives are being dictated.
What would it be like if they weren't? What will it be like when they're not? What do I want?

Why am I unhappy?

Hm this turned out to be a bit more of a downer than I had hoped for. Random thoughts that needed to get out.

dreaming aloud at 3:17 AM

I want to go camping.

And watch fireworks. Soon enough, I suppose.

dreaming aloud at 3:14 AM

It's been so long...I don't know where to start. It feels weird writing in here again. But it's time to begin again.

Nothing terribly meaningful, just a fun survey. Kind of like dipping your toes in the water before jumping in. I haven't felt the need to write in here for a while. I actually started journaling again! The last time I journaled was in December. But I miss blogging too.

Anyway, here's the survey.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. needles
2. drowning
3. insects

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. the war in Iraq
2. people
3. love

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. my RAV t-shirt
2. purple plaid pajama pants
3. glasses

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. travel abroad (yes, I still haven't done that)
2. learn how to blow glass
3. make a cloak

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I despise making phone calls. Though I love receiving them. :)
2. Sometimes I read my old Chinese storybooks (the little kid kind) to my dad.
3. When I'm stressed, I bite my nails. If they're long enough.

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. cute
2. "I wish..."
3. lovely

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
1. France
2. Taiwan
3. Switzerland

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
1. Ina
2. Jie
3. Sarah

NUMBER OF...
Piercings = none.
Tattoos = none.
Height = 5'2"
Shoe size = 6-7.5 (depending on the brand)
Hair color = black (turning brown?)
Siblings = a younger brother (11 years old)

LAST...
Movie you rented = Pulp Fiction
Movie you bought = hm...I buy too many movies...I think it was The Italian Job
Song that was stuck in your head = "She Will Be Loved" - Maroon 5
CD you bought = Maroon 5
CD you listened to = Final Fantasy...7?
Person that's called you = Gary from the travel agency
TV show you've watched = Boy Meets World :)
Person you were thinking of = Christian

DO YOU...
Have a crush on someone = I (sort of) wish
Wish you could live somewhere else = sometimes...I can't wait for college :) Unit 1!
Think about suicide = occasionally
Believe in online dating = nope, I think you have to spend time together in person as well
Think others find you attractive = I wish/hope so
Want more piercings = thinking about it--getting my ears pierced, that is. probably not though. once they get pierced, no more playing with my earlobe. which I like to do sometimes.
Drink = nope
Do drugs = yuck
Smoke = yuck
Like cleaning = never. especially not my room, which is still a disaster.
Like roller coasters = love them!
Write in cursive or print = a combination of both

FAVORITE...
Food = diner food
Song = depends on my mood. right now, i'm partial to "Everytime" - Britney Spears, "Someday" - Nickelback, "Sunday Morning" - Maroon 5, "I'll Be" - Edwin McCain, "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" - Jet
Thing to do = write, watch TV/movies, paint, visit museums, listen to music, spend time with loved ones, shop, browse through bookstores, daydream, reminisce
Thing to talk about = feelings (corny I know), philosophy, people and human nature, art
Sports = dance, softball/baseball, basketball
Drinks = smoothies, milkshakes, cranberry juice, tea (made with real tea leaves, not tea bags)
Clothes = zip up hoodies, skirts, dresses, cardigans, pajamas, sweats
Movies = Ever After, Center Stage, You've Got Mail, Moulin Rouge, The Sound of Music, The Parent Trap (the old and new versions), Never Been Kissed, A Walk to Remember
Singer = Maroon 5, Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls, Michelle Branch, Switchfoot, Beach Boys
Holiday = St. Patrick's Day

HAVE YOU...
Ever cried over a boy = oh yes.
Ever lied to someone = yes :(
Ever been in a fist fight = no, unless you count fighting with my brother when we were younger (and yes we physically fought)
Ever been arrested = never

WHAT...
Shampoo do you use = Dove
Is your desktop background = using Mom's laptop right now, but my comp's bkgrd is a picture of Amaris, Christian, and me

NUMBER...
Of times I have been in love? = being in love requires the other person to love you as well, so none
Of times I have had my heart broken = once
Of people I have kissed? = none
Kiss that meant something = still have yet to kiss someone special :)
Of people I've slept with? = none
Of drugs taken illegally? = none
Of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life friends? = 4-6
Of people I consider my enemies? = no one
Of scars on my body? = one on my leg, one on my knee, one on my stomach (do those count? I'm not sure)
Of things in my past that I regret? = a few

FAVORITE...
Disney movie = Aladdin
Eye color = brown--they're the warmest :)
Flower = white rose
Piercing = don't have any, and don't prefer them on boys either
Actor = Michael Vartan, Matthew McConaughey, Orlando Bloom
Actress= Meg Ryan, Julie Andrews, Drew Barrymore

THE END. :)

You know what I discovered? I was listening to my Beach Boys CD (Sounds of Summer--it has 30 of their songs on it--but not "409"! :[) and one of their songs ("Don't Worry Baby") is in the movie "Never Been Kissed"! That was a pleasant surprise.

I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional. Am liking. Love mellow music. Need CD.

I need sleep also but somehow I cannot sleep yet. Because I know that once I lay in bed, I'll be laying awake for a long time. I don't know why I can't fall asleep right away anymore. Perhaps there should be an off switch to my mind.

I started a painting and I want to paint very badly. Not tonight, but tomorrow? If I have time.

Wow, I've been good about emailing! For once. With Amaris. I miss you, Amaris! I'm surprised at myself. Usually I'm horrible about this kind of thing. Er, keeping in touch. Even though she's only been gone for...not very long. A week? But still.

I returned three books to Barnes & Noble yesterday and got $23 back in cash and $19.45 in store credit. I would like to purchase Pride and Prejudice soon so I can read it on the plane to Hawaii. And I would like to purchase a few more CDs, or borrow yours, Christian :) Or maybe I can burn them, to take with me, if you can't bear to part with them. Yours too, Justin. Thanks guys. (Note to self: actually ASK them to borrow their CDs instead of just writing it here.)

Ok I'm getting really sleepy now. I think it's time for bed. I can't believe I'm still up.

dreaming aloud at 1:30 AM