Faded Memories

26 May 2004

I hate thread. And sewing. And NEEDLES.

dreaming aloud at 2:20 AM

25 May 2004

FINALLY off to bed. I can't seem to make myself sleep early. I won't allow myself the luxury. Because sleep is a waste of time.

dreaming aloud at 2:23 AM

I want someone to fall asleep to. To fall asleep next to. To hear a familiar voice right before I start dreaming.

the rise and fall of your chest,
your breathing
your rhythm
our rhythm.
our hearts beating in the
silence

your fingertips brushed lightly
push wisps of hair. my face. stroke.
trace my smile

dreaming aloud at 1:51 AM

Can I just say, I HATE MY PRINTER. It eats my paper, it jams, it feeds two sheets at a time, but not one directly on top of another so that I have to re-print everything, it feeds thick cardstock at a slight angle so the printed words are crooked. It is driving me CRAZY. I've wasted SO MUCH PAPER. ARGH. And there's a limited supply of paper too. Guess I'm not making many books. So those are limited too, as a result.

dreaming aloud at 12:17 AM

24 May 2004

I had the best dream last night. Frightening (people were trying to kill me), but it turned out to be good. :)

I didn't want to wake up.

I had a Chinese pastry for breakfast during Stat.

We didn't have to present our power points today (we present starting Wednesday).

Publishing (or planning/talking about publishing) makes me so happy. It's exciting! Poetry book AND photo book.

My collage and digital photo were chosen to be displayed in the art show, "Spent." I need to visit the show this week--it lasts until Friday. 111 Wiget Lane.

I talked to Kelly during lunch. :)

Senior panoramics came--Where's Waldo?

Got into a weird mood (or just extremely tired) during fifth and sixth. People are strange.

Or maybe just me.

Watched "Never Been Kissed" after school--interrupted by Stat project with Liza.

Finished that, drove around with Liza and got lost trying to find the Pleasant Hill Barnes & Noble.

Watched the rest of the movie :) and listened to "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain.

Now I'm happy and I'm going to bed. Even though I tried to be productive by getting on the computer and planning to work on senior project. But, screw it. Bed is more important.

dreaming aloud at 11:28 PM

23 May 2004

My mom asked me tonight, "What time are you going to school tomorrow?" Come to think of it, she asks me that quite often. I guess I ditch too much school.

I'll be good. No ditching tomorrow. :)

dreaming aloud at 11:29 PM

22 May 2004

things to remember:

-talking to Cindy til 1 am (Sat 05.15.04.)
-the park
-2 am
-talking with Rozi again :)
-talking to Mr Litton (Fri 05.21.04.)
-DP show
-dim sum with the family
-Peter Pan with Di
-making Mom cry (cringe)

-Cal housing: Unit 1 triple
yeah Unit 1! so far I know Christian, Justin, and Jo are in Unit 1. Amaris, there better be someone in Unit 1 who's lazy and doesn't turn in their housing contract in time so you can come join us! but Unit 2 is still close by. :)

people are people. friends are friends. love is love. you either enjoy spending time with someone or you don't. life is too short to get angry. be more appreciative.

thank you to all who have talked with me this past week. i feel so loved. :) and i love you too.

dreaming aloud at 11:10 PM

20 May 2004

So much for sleeping early lately (early meaning before 1 am). Still writing this reflective essay. I cannot reflect. My inner self refuses to. And how can I protest that?

And then an econ cheat card to type up.

Oh boy. It's gonna be a long night.

I think I'll just keep writing in here to keep myself awake/entertained/amused. :)

dreaming aloud at 2:02 AM

One of the worst things ever is apathy.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." -Henry David Thoreau

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." -Ralph Hodgson

"We will go / nowhere we know / we don't have to talk at all" -Beck

Read these in the Traveling Pants books. Good stuff.

"All you need is love." -Moulin Rouge

dreaming aloud at 1:59 AM

19 May 2004

This essay should not be this hard. Except it is reflection. And I can't reflect. I'm not ready to reflect. No one can force it; it has to come naturally, on its own time, or it is meaningless.

I hate restrictions. And rules. And regulations. And people telling me what to do, what I can and cannot do.

What do I want?

I want to be carefree again. I want to laugh, and smile, and truly enjoy life. Somehow I cannot; something has changed, everything is bitter and tainted and twisted and sour and acidic and tinged with brown.

What has happened?

dreaming aloud at 11:59 PM

i realized i never took a picture with you. nine years and i still don't have a picture of us.

dreaming aloud at 11:53 PM

This is pathetic. It's 10:15 and I STILL haven't done anything ALL DAY. Well I did print six photographs in photo today. That was productive. :) I'm excited to make my book. Publishing is so much fun. Self-publishing, that is. :) That reminds me. I still have to print copies of my book, so I can bind them. SOON. Meaning this weekend, probably.

School is such a waste of time. I am wanting to ditch every single second.

"Where is the Love?" by Black Eyed Peas is such a good song.

Photo/art show this Friday! Til next Friday...at 111 Wiget St. The opening is 6-7 pm this Friday night, but I can't go because I'm going to the DP show--which is also gonna be awesome! But I do want to see this exhibit. I hope my collage makes it in. Mr Hevel told me today that some advanced photo students were looking at it today and liked it. :) That made my day. Also the fact that usually it takes me forever and a day to print photos, but today I printed six!! SIX!! :) Ok I'll stop blabbing about photo now. I'm just procrastinating my essay. And my econ notecard. Which I have no clue what to write on. What's my view on globalization? First I have to form an opinion. Which I really am too tired to do right now, as my eyes are about to close. They hurt when I close them, which means they've been open too long. Too tired. Does that make sense? Whatever.

What is a friend?

dreaming aloud at 10:16 PM

15 May 2004

I love how my senior project has cost almost nothing to make. I love having connections in the photo and art departments. :) They have nice paper and materials to use.

Gave my practice senior project presentation today in English. Mr Miller wasn't there; I wish he was so he could give me feedback (I dunno how competent the sub teacher was). It wasn't too bad, I didn't make people fall asleep. Haha. Like I thought I would. With my topic.

I wish they made purple mini ipods. I want one. But I'd settle for the blue. Wish I had the money to spend. But also money downloading all the songs. Sigh. So expensive. But so so convenient.

I also need to pick out a digital camera. Like now. Before summer starts. So I can take pics at graduation and grad night and senior trip and CalSO and all that jazz.

Today was a good day. Good mood. Great presentation in Econ by Esther Chou about Africa and HIV/AIDS. Skipping out of Physics to go to the French party. Yum. Girls' night out--Baja Fresh, movie marathon: 13 Going On 30, Mean Girls. Crepes afterwards. More yum.

I'm stuffed.

And exhausted, come to think of it. Two hours of sleep again. Going to bed. Goodnight. :)

Hm actually the whole day was a girls' day. For me. I feel like I didn't talk to any boys at all today. Oh wait I guess I did in the morning. But that doesn't count. So it was nice. Different. I'm just rambling now so bed time.

dreaming aloud at 12:15 AM

13 May 2004

whew. my brain hurts. my fingers hurt. from typing. from editing. from fixing the layout of my book. from printing and dealing with paper and margins and ink. probably from pulling off all my nails, too. ouch. they look horrible now. what a crappy job they did. last for three weeks my butt. pshaw.

i am exhausted. too much drama for me. but i am here. i am there. for you. and you.

i'm needing a massage just about now.

and sleep. time for bed.

i think i'll sleep in tmrw. skip first and second. yay for a short day. need to do senior project presentation and stock write-up desperately. tmrw, tmrw, i'll do it tmrw.

my book is beautiful :)

dreaming aloud at 1:47 AM

11 May 2004

Senior Ball. Finally I'm getting around to posting about it. I'll just capture what I remember.

The highlights:

Pick up rhinestone bobby pins and Justin's boutonniere. Late for 12:00 hair appt (am I EVER on time?). Bleach HAHAHA. Had hair done with Amaris, better than last year's. :) For both of us. Back to her house to eat a late lunch (wow I'm such a slow eater) and got ready. Except she had ignorance problems and her mom and sister were laughing at her and I was chuckling to myself in the bathroom from where I could hear them. I had problems too because my eyes kept watering and nose was sniffly and I was afraid I was coming down with some kind of cold. But I'm ok now. Except for the runny eye makeup. Darn that. Good thing Justin forgot my corsage and came late; I needed the extra time. Haha to Walnut Creek and back to Orinda and back to Walnut Creek in 15 minutes?! Crazy.

Oh, and my nail broke! While I was putting on makeup? Or something. Only two days after I had gotten them done. What the heck.

Took pictures at Amaris', lots of parents and lots of cameras. That was a blur. Justin gave me the most beautiful corsage ever. Of purple orchids and baby white roses. And yay we escaped the paparazzi during our corsage/boutonniere exchange.

Drove to SF in Justin's baby, with Felicia. Parked in the ridiculously expensive hotel parking cuz we couldn't find anything else. Froze outside the hotel for a bit with Christina and Robert before realizing we could wait INSIDE for everyone else. Whoever "everyone else" was.

Took couple pics. Dinner was yummy. I couldn't finish though. Was too full. And ok, slow. Darn we never tried those desserts. Though I couldn't stomach them after dinner. Haha boba/olives in the martini-glass centerpieces. Can't believe Justin made it in Amaris' glass! And tried to sneak one into Christian's. But was caught. And the psychology/magic trick with the glass that Justin pulled on Robert! Hilarious.

Group pics was annoying, but we finally got that taken care of. Cal nerds :). And then dancing! More fun. "C'mon, we can take them! How low can you go?" Justin's challenge to Christian and Amaris. Haha. And Russ cracks me up with his dancing. Not-so-great music. But fun nonetheless. There were a few good songs in there. Requesting is smart. They didn't play Kelly's song though :(.

So our theme was "Tomorrow Will Come Too Soon," taken from Eve6's "Here's to the Night." What an awesome song and theme. I like that it wasn't the title of the song.

After the dance, we chilled at Tart to Tart. Too tired to eat. Or too full. Just really, really thirsty. Haha Amaris and Christian. Took us forever to find the place. Weird directions. And the way back too. Trippy. Stopped for a view of the bay at Treasure Island. Beautiful. Ruined by some (drunken?) women though. Yelling at (who?) in a limo. I bet it was no one. Hmph. So we left. Then stopped at Russ' to pick up his car so Justin could go home (that sleepyhead). Russ took me and Freesh back to her house, where we met up with the rest of the gang. Robert went home too, but Christina stayed, along with Freesh, Russ, Amaris, Christian, and me. Jo and Susu came later too. Music videos and falling asleep on the couch and eating lots of snacks and Christian eating for three hours straight. Crazy boy. "Whhhhyyyyyy cheese?" Amaris went delirious. Too bad I didn't get delirious. Would have been fun. Amaris, Christian, and I layed on six wooden chairs and a coffee table and each other. And fell asleep. Apparently Christian was snoring in my ear. But I didn't hear a thing. Woke up around 9:45 and then lounged around on the couch til we had to get ready for church.

Ok wow that was so much longer than I thought it was gonna be but prolly cuz I'm procrastinating on taking photos for my photo project. I should go do that soon. After I finish chatting with a few people. Haha.

Thanks again, Justin, for being the best date. :)

Check out Amaris' pictures. <--Click!

You know, I just realized that I never blogged about prom last year. It was awesome too. Lots of fun, good memories, just like this year. I took lots of pictures to make up for the lack of posts. Russ was a great date too. :) So thank you. I'm so lucky, I've had the coolest dates ever. That includes you, Doofus. You guys are awesome.

dreaming aloud at 10:11 PM

10 May 2004

hey how come my picture isn't working anymore???

dreaming aloud at 11:12 PM

AmarisW: ian's back =)

So I'm not supposed to be blogging but since my computer is being trippy and not letting me update my AIM profile, I've decided to update here. Besides, it lets me procrastinate more. I should sleep early tonight though, I'm heckove tired.

Amaris says I'm not allowed to keep writing in here because I have to sleep. So I'm going to finish up some work on my Senior Project, and then go to bed. I'll write more tomorrow maybe.

dreaming aloud at 11:01 PM

06 May 2004

haha my printer ran out of ink and so it's printing but it's spitting out blank white pieces of paper.

think i'll grab some strawberries and maybe make a phone call and then CRASH. sleep sounds good tonight. screw homework. i'll do it tomorrow.

dreaming aloud at 10:25 PM

mind is a jumbled mess and i have a massive headache and i'm super tired and living off of 2 hrs of sleep but i need to dump this somewhere.

just finished cover with justin and it looks awesome, thanks so much for helping me (well, basically creating the whole thing :) ). you're the best.

got my nails done with steph today, that was fun. i am liking the french tips.

my friends are the best. amaris and christian, what would i do without you two?? thank you. thank you for caring, for helping, for talking, for listening, for being my friends. i feel so loved.

trying to find that light switch...it's too dark. i need to get out of this hole i've dug. i need to see with different eyes. i miss the old me.

mr faust. rip.

sigh.

i'm too tired and so is my mom and i am sorry for causing you stress.

i don't know how to take care of myself. i think i need people to tell me i'm ok, to assure me i'll be ok. because i never know for myself. i need people to explain myself to me. i can't think logically.

maybe i'll die early. of an ulcer? or stomach cancer. that's what my mom thinks i'll get. and maybe that's the best for the world.

then again, maybe not.

i have to cut out a BUNCH of poems. GAH. apparently 57 is too many for a chapbook. DARN IT.

plus i missed friends tonight. forgot it was the season finale. the LAST episode EVER. oh well, i'll borrow it from someone. i don't even keep up with it anyway. whatever.

keepin my head up :)

dreaming aloud at 10:13 PM

My internet is tripping out. It gives me like five kajillion pop-ups every two seconds, and doesn't let me finish typing in the window I'm in. Like this one. And my email. And I've gotten at least twenty virus-infected files today. Stop already!!

I finally finished saving all my poems for my book in one file. So now it's all organized. In an order, too. Yay. Finally. There's 57. I hope that's not too many. It is kind of a lot, yeesh. So um depending on how much it costs to make the book, I might have to charge a few dollars per book. I hope that's ok with everyone. You can not buy it too if you don't want to. Don't feel like you have to because you feel bad or whatever. Anyway more updates on that later.

I'm going to take a nice loooong hot shower now. Even though it's almost 2 am.

Oh you know what is annoying? Yahoo only lets you send 3 attachments per email. I was sposed to email Mr Litton my poems tonight but decided against it as it would take 19 emails and that is rather annoying plus would clutter up his inbox. So I just sent him one email. I can't believe this computer doesn't have a floppy disk drive. Argh. Would make things so much easier. Maybe I should email all the poems to myself and then save on floppy at school! Using a school computer! Yes! Ok let's go find a floppy disk. And THEN I can take my long shower. And then sleep. It's a plan.

dreaming aloud at 1:56 AM

05 May 2004

allow yourself to be surprised. in awe. in wonder. of the beauty of this world. this broken world.

"never regret something that made you smile in the past" is something i read on a xanga today. hm. truth in that?

dreaming aloud at 11:58 PM

Watching Will & Grace and Friends makes me happy. Maybe I should buy the seasons on DVD.

Yes, that is what I'm going to do. As soon as I save up enough money.

And I want to get a bajillion CDs too. Like Copeland. And too many others to list here.

dreaming aloud at 11:02 PM

I long to dream big, think big, I want to see big. But I am only a child.

dreaming aloud at 10:59 PM

I seem to underestimate people. Some people have such good hearts, and I don't bother to notice, I close myself off to everyone and don't give them a chance. It's my own loss, I know. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could see people for their good characteristics. I used to be like that. I used to be able to see the good. To admire. To appreciate. I don't know what happened, what changed.

dreaming aloud at 9:29 PM

i wonder why, when we get together, we don't just sit and cry.

isn't it strange that we barely hug, we barely touch, not even our hearts, not even a sound? but uncomfortably pretend and awkwardly smile to smooth things over and you beg me to pretend everything's ok, your eyes plead with me to not say anything real but keep this stream of chatter going strong so i can't get a word in otherwise. the surface is unmarred, the wrapper of our friendship is unopened, but inside everything is shaken up and shattered, broken into a million irreparable pieces. and no one knows but us. maybe not even you.

dreaming aloud at 1:30 AM

this was/is in my cousin's profile and i thought it was the cutest/saddest thing:

N: i hate how i have to remind myself that she doesnt love me after something as good as this
: i hate how all she does is remind me that im not good enough
: i hate how her nose scrunches up all cute when shes happy and i hate how thats all i need
: i hate how her laugh makes me feel happy but i know that it isnt for me
: i hate how hte words "i hate" lose all meaning when im around her or speak about her
: but when i hate its really love gone somewhat wrong and all of it would go away if she loved me

bite my tongue again
so hard that it bleeds
so i wont say the words
thatll just end up hurting me.

i hope you don't mind that i posted this. if you do, i'll take it off. just let me know.

dreaming aloud at 1:22 AM

please give me the courage to apologize.

dreaming aloud at 1:20 AM

it's so easy to give up. i've just realized how much i've given up on. and how much i'm going to give up on. like volunteering. i haven't gone forever. like awana, vbs, love-a-child. like youth group? almost. like belly dancing. like violin. like viola. like singing, like worship team. like reading. like praying. like people. like friends. like family.

where did my life go?

what am i doing?

i don't know who i am anymore.

i guess i have a lot to discover. like c said.

i wish i had taken the opportunity to tell mcl when i had the chance. maybe my only chance. my way out.

is jm right?

dreaming aloud at 1:05 AM

suddenly life has gotten too big for me to handle and i just look at the piles of things i need to do and make a list of every task to keep organized because my life is a cluttered mess just like my room which i barely spend time in not even to sleep and i just blankly stare and all i want to do is lay my head down and sleep.

last night i slept at 11. tonight there is a full moon. and i can only cry.

i wish there was someone to hold up the world for me while i rest.

maybe i don't have to do this alone. but i can't seem to let people in.

especially family.

i'm sorry.

dreaming aloud at 12:50 AM

If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore

"Brightest" -- Copeland

i've forgotten what it feels like to make you smile. to talk with you. what is a normal friendship? and what are we? i wish i could make you smile.

i wish i could smile.

dreaming aloud at 12:25 AM

02 May 2004

i feel trapped, walking around and can't get away, can't get out, of this body, of this world, it's too small, and where would i go if i could get out?

dreaming aloud at 11:02 PM

i need to stop being such a prissy princess.

my mom asked me if i get depressed/disappointed easily.

huh.

dreaming aloud at 11:01 PM

reminder to self: draw pic/card for someone's bday. by friday. bring to church at 9:15.

and don't be such a brat. and bossy. and annoying. and a tantrum-throwing baby.

i want to be free and have no ties and just do whatever i want, when i want. but you can't do that in this world, because you need to think of people. i wish i didn't care. sometimes i don't but then i act on that and then regret because i realize i do care.

Please don't drive me home tonight
'Cause I dont wanna feel alone
Please don't drive me home tonight
'Cause I don't wanna go

If I had known then
That these things happen
Would they have happened with you?

We were finding out
Who we are

why do i call out to people only to push them away? why do i ask for something only to reject it?

I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

So I whisper in the dark,
Hoping you hear me
Do you hear me?

It's easier for me to be alone
But there's still a piece of me that feels so empty

(Michelle Branch)

can i let you in?

i don't trust myself.

dreaming aloud at 10:26 PM

I can't get away from myself.

Why am I such a witch to my mom? I want to be nice, I really do, and then it comes out all wrong and I'm cross and rude and impatient. And my dad too, why can't I be understanding and patient and kind and caring and humor him?? And with other people too; I have everything and then I throw it all away. When I'm alone, I long for others' company, someone's presence, to fill the emptiness, the loneliness, and then someone pays attention to me and gives me compliments and opens up to me and I push them away, disgusted with...the fact that they are saying these things to me? The things they are saying? How they are saying them? What they are doing? What I am doing? I don't know. I just know I don't want it. I don't want it to be like this. Because it's not how I expected it to be? How I want it to be? But when I don't have it, suddenly I want it again. I hate people. I hate myself. I hate being a human. I wish I knew what I want. I wish someone could explain me to me. Although maybe there's not much to explain. But somehow it's too big for me, too much for me to handle, to understand.

I cannot reach out, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. I can't get past myself.

I disgust myself.

Why can't I just enjoy things like everyone else? Why can't I be mindlessly happy? Why do I have to be so critical of every little thing? Why do I regret? I really have nothing to regret...so why do I? I think intensity and intimacy scare me...because I want it, and I'm afraid...of myself? of others? when I get it.

And how did I drift so far away from him? I can't even talk to him anymore. I don't know what to say. There is just silence. I know it's my fault. What did I do? Why do I distrust? Where is my faith? Where are the answers? Do I even know my questions?

Why does the human race disappoint me so?

Why am I so judgmental? What gives me the right to be?

I don't like people, and I'm not a people-person, but I need to be around them. Ironic. Hypocritical? I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I am fake. I feel like I am not really living, but sort of floating through this half-life, seeing through a veil, a distorted image. A semi-charmed life?

What is real? What is reality? What is truth?

Relating to Michelle Branch and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, which I am listening to and have read today. It's comforting to know that I can relate, and at the same time, not, because here I am, complaining about people in general, and how I hate being a part of this race, this species, and how I love that I am connecting to them.

I am pretending that I do not have AP's tomorrow and the next day. And that I do not have to choose poems to show Mr. Litton before Wednesday when we meet to talk about my book further.

And I'm a sucker for words. So please don't tell me things if you don't mean it. Or even if you do mean it...I love hearing it. But...I don't want to. Because...they're empty, only temporary. I wish it wasn't this way.

I thought I cared too much...but maybe I don't care enough. Or even at all. What?? I don't understand. Do I care?

I feel like I betrayed you...and you don't even know it. And I can't say anything.

dreaming aloud at 9:46 PM