31 March 2004I love the sound of the keyboard as I madly type to get my emotions out, stream-of-consciousness style. (Of course, this typing is not in this blog, but elsewhere, and it's nice to vent. Fingers have a strength of their own, they know me so well and lead me in finding a direction, or maybe it's the poetry that is already there, that already exists without me, or maybe it's just the unsaid knowing.)I love this keyboard. :) I want a typewriter. So I can listen to the typing all day long and just type nonsense or maybe even attempt to record all my thoughts down on paper and ink as they come and go and flow and disappear but they will be saved on that paper and ink in that form in the way they come the order they come the rawness of it. The words "saltwater taffy" bring a memory back. A feeling. A nostalgic homey wonderfully comforting feeling...but I don't know what the memory is about. Hm. I don't even know what it tastes like. Or maybe I do, and I forget. I start a lot of sentences with the word "I." Reminds me of Sylvia Plath. Or not. Hopefully not as psychotic. A small cry for help. Is it ok to want to live a teenager's life, even though you know better and you know what you should do, sort of? What you should be like, what you should be doing? Except you don't know, you just have an idea, so you're just stuck in this middle, this state of...being stuck. Best of both worlds? Or worst sometimes. Hopefully mostly best. Convoluted. What a funny word. lucid translucent transparent vivid vulnerable paper-thin delicate sheer mist ethereal evaporating blotting paper tracing paper tissue paper crumple. filmy gauzy gossamer chiffon palpable tangible touchable open apparent undisguised fragile see through rip. dreaming aloud at 6:43 PM
when it comes down to it all we want is love all we need is love love is God we need God when all is stripped away what is left but love a humanity crying out for you dreaming aloud at 12:59 AM
hide from you run somewhere else to not watch you suffer and crumble slowly and fall apart or fall away from faith and hope and God or maybe that's me dreaming aloud at 12:57 AM
30 March 2004i hate pmsing. it makes me so freaking moody and emotional and have (even more) random food cravings.it makes me feel lonely. dreaming aloud at 11:09 PM
it is a sickness. slowly consuming me. breaking me. falling apart. i don't know how much more i can take. life is good? sometimes hard to believe. i wish i could make everything disappear, just for one day. pretend that everything was back to normal, the way it used to be. i can't bear to see you like this anymore. i feel so helpless. i am cold. i want your warmth. dreaming aloud at 10:40 PM
28 March 2004I just realized that I never used my heart-shaped lip gloss.Potlucks are yummy and couches are soft and Mission Impossible is confusing but eclairs and cheesecake are good and Friends is even better. dreaming aloud at 12:52 AM
Leea made my day when she said I am not ready for troupe quite yet--and that thought never crossed my mind--but I will be soon! Amaris made my day again when she reminded me that I was not in the beginners' class as I thought, but actually the advanced class! And I got the two-to-one shimmy! Yes. :) Oh, and Claire's is fun. Also Rozi rocks my socks. So does Jill Stengel, because her poetry is inspiring. I've been writing all day. Well maybe just all afternoon. Or ok only part. And tonight. Love Litton's poetry game. My game now. And I got a bag. Scary animal rights woman, I've never understood people like her. But the bag was cute. Yay for being mellow. dreaming aloud at 12:41 AM
24 March 2004You are faithful, and you are faithful. I must remember...please don't let me forget...dreaming aloud at 11:30 PM
I feel like taking a long drive by myself, or maybe with a friend, and seeing where the road takes me, where my heart leads me. But I fear for the people on the road. I get too distracted when I drive. It would inevitably lead to some kind of car crash. Good thing we do not use nuclear-powered cars. I feel like I live so many different lives...which life is mine? Which is really me? I always thought I was genuine, was myself, at (almost) all times. Maybe they're just different aspects of me. Because I do think I'm true to myself. Just need to get away...what am I searching for? dreaming aloud at 9:20 PM
Correction: Three days. Counting today. I need to escape. I am so weak, I cannot even take these petty little problems I have. Why must I be so self-centered? I would like to put others' needs before my own. How can I make it genuine, how can I make it come naturally--this willingness, this unselfish love? Oh right. I cannot. I need God's help. Always. And I have pushed him so far away, I cannot even hear his voice anymore... I did this. I know everyone has their problems; I am not special or unique in that aspect. So I should just suck it up, be strong, tough it out, grin and bear it...how does everyone else still have the will to live? Yet I know I have the will to live, because I have God...but sometimes that seems like such a cop-out answer. I'm the one who left him, and he still loves me. I don't understand. It's not meant to be understood. I cannot escape everything. It is good for me to not escape everything. Enduring things will make you stronger. But what if I don't want to be strong? It's so easy just to give up. Except I can't. I hate being so insecure. Oreo shakes are good. dreaming aloud at 9:14 PM
I know something is wrong when I have taken naps two days in a row and eaten chunky peanut butter straight out of the jar. Long naps are nice though. Maybe I'll make a habit of this. Maybe it's just my escape. Maybe dreams are damaging. I feel myself slowly falling apart. Broken this fragile thing now and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces - "Only One," Yellowcard Chain chain chain... I'm tired of being chained to you. ------- Thank you for calling me. dreaming aloud at 1:22 AM
22 March 2004Can someone please tell me what reality is?I'm going to bed. SUPER early. I took a nap today too. Wow I'm getting a lot of sleep today. Poop on hwk. dreaming aloud at 11:10 PM
And yay it worked!! Four words: I TOLD YOU SO. :) dreaming aloud at 10:57 PM
Tonight was the String Area District Festival, or whatever it's called. The one where elementary, middle, and high schools from the district get together and put on a concert. It was actually kind of fun. :) I saw these two little kids that I didn't know played violin, so that was nice. They're SO adorable. They're in elementary school. Jonathan and I think Cynthia (doh I forgot her name). :) I want kids too. But not the responsibility. Yet. Haha. Interesting talks lately with certain friends. Drifting away from others. More and more I realize who my true friends are, and who I just don't care about. I really canNOT stand some people. (They make me laugh though.) Maybe I'll become a hermit. A loner. I like being antisocial. This Norah Jones song is so relaxing. "Sunrise." I need to get her cd. Maybe if I close my eyes, everyone will disappear. dreaming aloud at 10:53 PM
21 March 2004I am hating physics. My head is spinning and drama sucks. ARGH so do boys. Well actually just us girls who put our hopes in them and then become pathetically hopelessly gone over them and then get let down because they didn't talk to us. Or something like that. The beautiful letdown. How can I express my frustration enough? This is a lose-lose situation. If only you were there. WHY weren't you there?? I am hating you right now. Except not. Cuz I can't hate you. I wish there was another way. I cannot bear to watch this friendship end so painfully. Nonononono. I wish I could do something. But there is nothing. The opportunity has come and gone. It has passed. And you missed it. WHY DID YOU MISS IT?! And where were you. ARGH. This is stupid. And it sucks. And I can't do anything about it. To help. AHH. Helplessly sitting back.... THERE IS HOPE! Yay. You better talk. Or else. Because you cannot let this end. Over that. I know it's a big deal but still. There is more to it. To you both. You better take this opportunity. Timing is everything. Time it wisely. Choose wisely. dreaming aloud at 11:51 PM
Love should always be intentional and not reactionary (responsive). Love should always be humble and not self-centered. Good messages from Kevin Baba tonight. (Did I miss any?) Today was so relaxing. Especially compared to yesterday. Haha. Lovely day, yesterday. Anyway. Today. Volunteered, didn't go to belly dance cuz Rozi couldn't make it, so I just hung out with my parents. Then went to Old Navy with Mom and di and I helped di pick out some clothes. :) That's fun. Jamba juice is good too. Oh, I drove! Yay. Didn't kill anyone! Woohoo! Haha. Um...I was gonna post more stuff but now I forget what I wanted to write about. Oh well. YG was fun too. Got my Pauls hug!! YEAH I miss her. But s'all good cuz she's back til the 31. :) Note to self: call Pauls to hang out. And all the other college kiddies are back too, yay. :) Doofus and Kevin crack me up. And Pauls and her dancing. Haha Darren's dance grooves! Kevin's so funny. Hm so I watched the rest of Sleepless in Seattle when I got home. With my family. But then my mom went to bed cuz she was tired. And my dad fell asleep. So it was just me and di. But mostly just me. Anyway, I love that movie. :) Yay that made my day better. Now I can sleep happy. Thinking about the movie. I'm pathetic. By the way, anyone who hasn't seen There's Something About Mary...DON'T!!! It's the worst movie EVER. Ugh. It disgusted me. Repulsive. Not just the sexual stuff...the whole movie! It was mentally disgusting! Anyway. Um...ok I just realized this whole post is in a big chunk so it's hard to read and plus there's nothing really to read here so why did I post because I realized I can't post the stuff I want to write cuz it's a public blog and most people should not see it so yeah. I'll stop. Oh wait. One more thing. People need to chill out. Senior Ball is not worth this drama and stress. That is all. I'm so glad I'm not involved. Stuck in my head (so I guess song of the moment): "Whenever You Call" -- Mariah Carey dreaming aloud at 12:58 AM
18 March 2004Sometimes I hate myself. Like now. For staying up this late. For no reason. For procrastinating so much. And not even finishing English homework. Which really wasn't a big deal probably but I just make it a big deal. Ahh I've been online/on the comp for at least six hours. This is SO SAD. Such is my pathetic existence.I'm not always like this. At least I'd like to think. Anyway, I'm going to bed. dreaming aloud at 4:11 AM
It's funny how certain songs remind you of people. What makes our minds work like this, to attach those songs to individuals? I will make a list of songs and the people that I connect those songs with. dreaming aloud at 3:32 AM
I want to write poems. I want to read the books that Jill Stengel gave me. Her poetry. Her friends' poetry. But NO. I'm still here, doing English homework. And I'm only about a third done. Not even. AAAH. Why is this taking so long? That reminds me. EMAIL JILL. Will later. Tomorrow. dreaming aloud at 1:58 AM
Haha...glob. What a funny word. I read it on a xanga today and started smiling. This is sad. This is how tired I am. And I still have not really started my English homework. How long have I been sitting here? Since about 10. Chatting. Blog/xanga surfing. More chatting. Eating (strawberries without whipped cream :( we don't have any). BLAH I am SO lazy. And procrastinator-ish. And killing myself slowly with this no sleep thing. Except today I got to sleep in til 10 and I slept at 1 so I got a lot of sleep but not really because I woke up a few times in between and plus my mom kept telling me to wake up when I didn't need to yet because we didn't have to be at school until 10:50. And now I am up late. Doing English homework. Because I can't let myself skip it. Because I've never really NOT done my homework outright. Because I'm too scared to. Because Mr Miller has high expectations of me, and I have high expectations of me. Because I'm scared to disappoint him. Because I'm scared to disappoint myself? I wish this English homework would get itself done. dreaming aloud at 12:59 AM
17 March 2004I want to write so much. I want to tell you so much. But there are no words. I cannot express this thing I feel.St. Patrick's Day. I wonder if you remember. It's just me. Probably just my subjective selective memory. Stilted conversations are no fun. Words are so limiting. Maybe it's ok that I'm just feelings and no substance. Maybe there is substance behind the fluff. I'd like to think so. School is torture. Every day I consider if I need to go. Debate constantly if it's worth it, or if I should just ditch. So bad. I have to not slack off so much. I have to care. But I do care. Too much. About certain things. Certain classes. Certain teachers, who have certain expectations of me. Because I have certain expectations of myself. Some people make it all worthwhile though. :) Going to school, I mean. I wish I knew some people better. But I have not the courage to speak to them. When I think about others, I feel sad at how quickly I dropped them, severed our ties, so coldly, so indifferent. I don't want to be like that. And then there are others who, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about, can't cut the bonds. And then we talk again, and I'm happy our connection did not die. I'm feeling rather dumb right now. What is this useless blog post? So devoid of meaning, of thought, of substance. I wish I could find the words...I wish they could just come, the right ones, whenever you need them, just like I wish whatever we're craving could immediately appear, the exact thing we're craving because sometimes we do not even know what we want at the moment (ok this doesn't make sense but it makes sense to ME and maybe chloe). Eh, whatever. WANT TO SCREAM. dreaming aloud at 10:53 PM
14 March 2004The latest I've stayed up this year for schoolwork is 6 am. Thursday night/Friday morning. At least there was first period study session, so I came to school around 9:40. "Sleeping in" was nice; I got to eat breakfast at home with my parents in peace.Last night I slept around 4:30. I drove my dad to church today! By myself! And back. In one piece. I didn't hit anything! Yay! You know, I'm starting to think that I'm not such a bad driver afterall. I mean, I don't make those crazy jerky stops that give you whiplash or anything. In fact, I kind of lose myself when I'm driving. If anything, I'm unsafe because I forget what I'm doing and where I'm going. I don't think quickly enough on the road because my mind wanders. I love listening to music and singing along in the car, though. That's so fun. We left church after English worship service because I was going to work on my paper when I got home. Umm...yeah that didn't really happen. I did do a little after lunch (just now). So I guess it was a bit productive. I'm kinda sad I missed Sunday School though. And Dad wanted to go to the Chinese service. But I was mean and said we had to go home. And so we did. I refuse to check online for UC status. But I want the letters. But I don't. Because everyone else has gotten in...so it'll just make me feel more stupid when I don't. Oh well. Senior paper needs to DIE. Right now. Thisveryminute. Because I am absolutely SICK of writing it. I am SO BAD at analyzing poetry, even though I love it. Actually, it's not even analyzing poetry. It's analyzing the FORM. And I cannot form any insightful thoughts because it's basically just facts and history and such. This is the most boring paper I've ever written. I feel sorry for my readers/judges. Even though I found it interesting. But somehow I cannot convey that interestingness in my paper, in writing. It's not meant to be put into words; you just have to read the poetry and experience it yourself. Everyone experiences something different. I guess I should just write about what I experienced. Hm, there's an idea. Off to an interview in Davis. Btw, the slam yesterday: AMAZING. I need to go to more poetry readings and slams. Wow. I want that kind of talent too. I only know how to appreciate the arts. I wish I could be good at least one area as well. That'd be nice. But anyway. Back to my point: poets are SO LIBERAL. I guess it's to be expected though. I'm not saying it's bad or good...it just seems that they're trying to break free of a mold and un-conform and all, but by doing that...they fall into this mold and sterotype and end up...conforming. Sort of. It's like trying to be original: you can't, because it's all been said and done before. Everyone copies and borrows and takes from each other, combining ideas from the past and the present and nothing is completely original. Funny how we strive for this, something we cannot achieve. And it kind of lumps us all together in the end anyway, making us, at the very base level, just the same as everyone else. Oh, one more thing. People keep talking about how they wish they did more in high school, lived a little more, got to know more people, broken out of their little niche...I don't relate at all. I thought the past four years have been pretty good. I've had lots of fun, and made many memories. Even though I didn't get to know every single person in the school, I did get to know a lot of people that made an impact on me. I don't still talk to all of them, and I haven't remained friends forever with them, but our brief seasons of friendship have been great. During high school, we're all still changing and growing into the people we are. We can't expect to stay friends with everyone for that whole time. Some friendships are only meant to be for a season, and we need to realize that that's ok. We don't have to try and hold onto people just for the sake of remaining "friends;" it's ok to say you're not friends anymore. That doesn't mean you never talk anymore or you can't smile or say hi to them or ask how they're doing, it doesn't mean you don't respect them anymore or you don't like them anymore. It just means you're changing, and so are they. And if, while on that path of change, you meet someone else who is on the same wavelength as you at the same time as you, then that's awesome! That's definitely something special, something to be treasured. But it's also something you must let go of when the time comes, when both of you change a little bit more, onto (slightly) different paths. My friends have definitely changed since freshman year. I don't talk to that many people anymore, not even small talk. But I'm happy with the way things are. Sometimes I wish it was different, but I'm happier to have a few tightly-knit friends than many distant friends to chat nonsense with and sit with at lunch and talk to in class and do things outside of school with (which are not bad things, but there needs to be more). I'm happy with my small life. And I'm excited for the big world that's still out there, so many more people to meet and befriend and move on. I think I've realized it's ok to be friends with someone and then drift on to others, dropping the friendship. I know it sounds harsh, but you hold on to friendships that really matter to you, and drop the ones that don't. Life is too short to carry extra baggage, and it ultimately hurts both of you in the end anyway. If the friendship is meant to last for a long time, it will. It should happen naturally. Those are the best friendships. And I've gone off on a long tangent again, haven't I? Really must get ready for that interview now. dreaming aloud at 1:38 PM
12 March 2004l(al(a le af fa ll s) one l iness - E. E. Cummings Simply beautiful. I would like some pita bread and hummus please. dreaming aloud at 5:55 PM
11 March 2004Certain things trigger something deep inside, feelings stuffed and buried in me, nudged and budged slowly until they burst out of my heart and lungs and suddenly I am crying. In one minute it's over. The tears are gone. And I feel refreshed. Lighter. But there is a solemn heaviness that hangs in the air, lingering."A Poet's Death" by David Trinidad "Perfect" by Simple Plan dreaming aloud at 11:50 PM
Youth Speaks Teen Poetry Slam Preliminaries Saturday March 13 2:00 pm @ Intersection for the Arts 446 Valencia St. (@ 15th), San Francisco $2 General Admission Who wants to come with? :) dreaming aloud at 4:58 PM
10 March 2004I cleaned out my email inbox! I feel so productive. Now, instead of being like 116% full or whatever it was, I'm down to 92%!! :) That's enough cleaning for today.dreaming aloud at 12:50 AM
This is sad. I have almost no more money left in my checking account. I've been using my Visa way too often. All for stuff I need though. Right? Sort of. I guess I splurged a bit. But it was MOSTLY what I needed. At belly dancing today, I saw this gorgeous hip scarf. It's crimson/burgundy velvet with fringe layover and gold jingle-y beading. I want it. But it's $60. Maybe I can pay $20/month, like Leea was saying. I can do that, can't I? But I also need harem pants. Shoes would be nice too. Especially if we are going to "perform" at the convalescent home on March 28. I want it. Maybe I should stop cancelling tutoring. (I need the money.) But I don't have time to tutor! Even though I don't really get work done at home anyway. Barnes and Noble was fun today. Didn't do senior project paper research though. With those two around (Amaris and Christian), who can work? Haha. Fun talking though. We sat outside on the balcony. It was so nice and warm and lazy, like summer. I want summer to be here. I got some work done, actually. Stuff for other classes. But I also bought three books! I'm excited to read them. I just have to find time to read them. They're books on poetry: slam poetry, haikus, and tecnhical stuff. Ohh, dinner was so yummy. We ate at Mel's again (gosh I practically live there when we're downtown), and we had a banana split! My first ever. SOO good. My tummy was very happy. And then I went to belly dancing, and that was just awesome. The intermediate class is so cool. The people as well as the things we learn. The atmosphere is different...everyone's more into it, and more open about things. They're comfortable with themselves and around each other, so the spirit of comraderie is there (ok, cheesy I know, but you really feel like part of a family there!). People are so supportive. Anyway, I should be doing homework. Just taking a little break. :) Check out the pictures from the belly dancing dinner show at El Moracco. (Click the word "pictures.") This weekend, on Saturday night, a couple is performing at El Moracco. Rozi and I want to go SO BADLY, but we can't, cos she has guests over that night, and I have youth group. I probably shouldn't even go...I should stay home to work on my senior project paper. Which I might do. Happy days. :) "Sunday Monday, happy days, Tuesday Wednesday, happy days, Thursday Friday, happy days, Saturday, what a day, rockin all week with you!" Great show too. I'm going to sleep in the loft tonight with my brother. We'll sleep in sleeping bags. Maybe the skylight will allow us to see the stars. But I doubt it. ( missed the shooting star tonight. I always miss them. Especially at retreats.) More homeworking now. The no AIM thing is killing me. But it's good for me. Phone is better anyway. Or I just end up posting a lot in this blog. Which may or may not be a good thing. Good for me, I guess. Cos I never write in my journal anymore. Too lazy. Requires too much effort. dreaming aloud at 12:06 AM
08 March 2004No AIM until I get my senior project paper done. It's due Tuesday 16 March. Think I can do it?Of course I can. At San Ramon church, we played tag with the kids. I realized that I can run pretty fast in heels. Went to El Moracco tonight with Rozita, Amaris, Christian, and Diana. Justin couldn't make it. :( The belly dancing dinner show was AWESOME. Now, more than ever, I want to practice and learn quickly so I can do some of those moves too. I'm excited because Rozi and I are moving up to Intermediate level. We joined the Intermediate class on Saturday, but it was actually Intermediate and Intermediate Advanced combined, so we were totally lost, haha. Well, we tried to follow along, but they danced super fast, like a bajillion times faster than we were used to (and got bored with), so that was interesting. And funny. :) But it's so much fun. I want to get a costume and perform at the convalescent homes. They do it once a month I think? It's nice because the elderly really enjoy watching. And it's a good community service project. I'm glad the company does things like this. Note to self: check bank account, buy CDs online. I've been so productive lately. I saw Musical America on Friday with Amaris, Theresa, Rozita, and Christian, and when I got home from having ice cream with them (except Theresa didn't come, but Christina did)--haha Coldstone's was closed, and Applebee's was full, so we just went to Safeway, bought two half-gallons of ice cream and ate it in Amaris's car--I did my concert report right away! And tonight, after the belly dancing show, I finished my English vocab junk. Still have a lot of English and Physics to do, along with senior project paper, but at least I got something done. Anyway that stuff isn't due tomorrow. Can I just say, I love my new Betty Boop tin lunchbox. :) It's very handy. Keeps my sandwiches and fruit from getting squished. Too bad I almost got lost in Times Square with Rachel while buying it. Aah! I'm addicted to hot chocolate! I have to have some every morning; I can't function during the day without it. It helps me wake up. The shutters in my room were replaced with blinds. I nearly cried. I miss my old-fashioned-looking shutters. Even if they didn't match the rest of the house. But now I might take down my wallpaper and paint the walls. Hm, the possibilities. I'll probably end up doing it in the summer, though. No time during the school year. College acceptance letters, hurry and find your way to my mail box! (College rejection letters need not feel welcome.) Last night I got the most sleep I've gotten in the past two weeks: a little over 7 hours. Tonight I get almost 7! Going to sleep now. :) SOOO excited to sleep. My bed sounds so welcoming right about now. Yay, sleeping before 1 AM! :) Goodnight everyone. "If You're Gone" by Matchbox 20 (stuck in my head) dreaming aloud at 12:48 AM
06 March 2004I had Hawaiian pizza today. ASAP CPK. (I thought the logo was cute.) Why does Hawaiian pizza have Canadian bacon on it?dreaming aloud at 10:48 PM
05 March 2004I am psychotic. Someone shoot me now.Why am I killing myself like this? It's second semester senior year. (Hm. It's second semester senior year. Not as easy as I thought.) Because I'm a perfectionist, dagnabbit! Or perhaps because I'm a religious insomniac. Or turning into a crazy poet who doesn't sleep, ever. And is v. messed up. In the head. Nah. dreaming aloud at 4:16 AM
More paper. Chuggin along. dreaming aloud at 2:49 AM
And now I am talking to...my blog. Or myself. Not sure. Maybe both. Fun. dreaming aloud at 2:49 AM
At least I haven't gone on AIM today. dreaming aloud at 2:49 AM
This is quite pathetic. dreaming aloud at 2:48 AM
And the procrastinating gets worse. dreaming aloud at 2:48 AM
Who owes me money for the senior friend page in the yearbook?? I keep forgetting who has paid me and who hasn't. Amaris--paying Rozi Rozita--paid Asmita--paid Joanne Diana--paid Christina Felicia Steph--paid Su Yin Rosa Ok, list-making always helps. Note to self: ask people to pay up. $19/person! Thanks guys. :) dreaming aloud at 2:46 AM
It's surprising how I don't care anymore. (About "friends.") Why am I still up?? Senior project paper really needs to leave me alone to do my project. I'd much rather do the project. I mean, my topic is interesting to me, but I don't want to write a paper on it. Not right now. Not when I haven't researched. When my research is all jumbled and there are bits and pieces everywhere and my mind is not completely here because it's floating away somewhere off ocean avenue staying up all night love is all you need love is just a game cherry tree lane you forget where the heart is diamonds are a girl's best friend what are friends and who are they maybe someday we'll fly away and steal time. dreaming aloud at 2:35 AM
If I did not live, I would have no regrets. But I do have regrets (and things I'm happy I did), so I do truly live. Whew, that's a relief. dreaming aloud at 12:02 AM
04 March 2004Oh gosh, I hope my old computer that spazzed out and was really slow did not delete its hard drive. Many of my poems were saved onto word documents. I feel like I just lost a big chunk of my thoughts, my memories. Things I recorded, even if they were not very good poems. Not very good writing.Let's hope for the best. It's too much trouble to try to get that thing to cooperate with me though. No time tonight, nor patience enough. Must start paper. Glad I got a few things off my mind though. Thanks. :) Were bothering me more than I thought, I guess. Words affect me way too much. I take them to heart, and everything I thought was true seemed turned upside down for a few moments. Whew, what a scary experience. Also the other one that was heart-stopping. When I realized. Agh, I feel bad. But it's ok, she would have thought that anyway. She did think that anyway. So s'all good. Sorry again though. I realized this probably doesn't make much sense. I don't make much sense. But I know what I mean, so that's all that matters. Hm. Blog posts are interesting. I write things so I can look back on them and remember, and if they're all coded like this, will I remember later, what I was talking about before? It makes you wonder why you even write in things like these anyway. GAHH have to fix the stupid picture! Argh link is broken. Still. It's bothering me. Maybe that's why I'm not writing in it so much. Cos I can't stand to look at the ugly layout that is blank. OH. The picture is saved onto that old slow spastic computer. Oh no. Hopefully it didn't delete it. AHH that would suck. I liked that one. Ok ok, I know, starting paper now. dreaming aloud at 11:22 PM
I am hating this Senior Project Paper. I cannot start. At all. Had a good discussion with Mr. Litton at lunch, but alas, all words have escaped me. I cannot even write for myself. Words are crap. A dime a dozen. Worthless. Two to three pages by tomorrow? Are they kidding?? This paper has snuck up on me. Less than a week and a half left until the whole paper is due!! Eight to ten pages! Mad panic. Scramble to breathe. And then push it aside for later. Just some whining. Please disregard. Oh, New York was fun. :) Most of the trip, anyway. Awesome city. Need to go back and spend more time in certain places. Before I forget: "Religious insomniacs!" "Haha I pooped" Wish I took more pictures--a digital camera would have been helpful. But every time you take a picture, you remove yourself and put yourself outside of the event, and I wanted to be inside, a part of it all. I guess it's harder to talk about the event this way, because it becomes a part of you, just knowledge, things integrated into you so that you cannot separate them out. If I keep blogging, I'll never start my paper. So here I go. dreaming aloud at 9:28 PM
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