23 February 2004I've just realized how much work I have. Regret is not a good thing. Lost time also. How does Noah not procrastinate AT ALL?! I don't understand. I'm starting to feel panicked and stressed again. Darn, just when I thought I could relax a bit. Ok, breathe.Gettin through one day at a time. Cheerfully. :) dreaming aloud at 1:25 AM
22 February 2004Argh my picture is messed up, and I'm too lazy to fix it. I forget the site where I hosted it, cuz I saved the url on my other comp, and that comp is messed up. So bah. I'll fix it later. Hmph, I liked that picture.dreaming aloud at 11:09 PM
Yesterday was so much fun. I volunteered in the morning, and I love it. It's so rewarding. I'm excited to go into physical therapy. I'm sad that my grandpa and aunt don't feel the same about it. They think I'm too good for this field or something. "You could be making so much more money and have a professional career," etc etc. Lisa told another physical therapist that I am especially good at caring for patients who need a little extra TLC. :) It was nice, needed encouragement. People's compliments stay with me. I think I take people's words too seriously, but at least I take them to heart. It's a weakness too though. So, my heart filled and a smile on my face, I walk out of John Muir (oh, I saw Russ too, that monkey :) ) and see an elderly man trying to pick cherry blossoms (I think?) off these tangled branches laying on the walkway. I ask him if he needs help, but he shook his head, smiled and said thanks. Although I'm not completely sure he understood me...maybe he doesn't speak English? I hope he got those flowers though. Maybe they were for someone special. It didn't look like he was having much luck. Those were pretty tough branches to break. Anyway, I get home and my parents and I decide we don't have enough time to go out for lunch (Indian and Thai food!) before my dance class. Sigh. I was craving nann. It was a good thing we didn't go, though, because Auntie Florence and Uncle Frank dropped by to visit. It was fun playing hostess and serving them. Then I had belly dancing with Rozi, which was awesome. I love it. Wish I was good, haha. It's so much fun. Hopefully we can go to the dinner show (Sunday March 7, 6 pm, El Morocco Restaurant, 2203 Morello, Pleasant Hill, $25 for a four-course dinner and the belly dancing show, which includes professionals as well as beginners--such a good deal!). Anyone interested? You know you are. Talk to me or Rozi for tickets. Come with us! :) After belly dancing was shopping with Theresa (my bed buddy!), for New York gear. Not really gear, cuz we only got a hot chilly's shirt. Should be warm though. :) I'm so excited for New York! This Wednesday night!! :) Gotta get work done before we leave, though...ahh. Must do that 3-5 page paper...right after I finish this post. Went out to dinner with Theresa after we got bored of shopping...Fuddrucker's is SO GOOD. Our tummies were happy afterwards. I couldn't finish my shake, though. :( "Four dollars, four dollars!" I think my favourite food is diner food. So yummy and satisfying. I like the atmosphere too. Even though Fuddrucker's isn't really a diner. Anyway. Youth group was alrite. It was fun watching the retreat video. Today has been so mellow. Major procrastination. Senioritis is so so bad. I need to get rid of it. Oh, Friday was fun. Robin Hood! :) Too bad Amaris had to leave to pick up her sister. At least she had fun at the JSA convention. Christian and I had fun watching that old Disney movie. Wow, it's...vintage! Haha. Oh and before we went to Christian's, Amaris and I got to hang out at my house for a while, so that was fun. Thanks for letting me cry a bit. My dad has been doing better these past few days. :) Btw, congrats on your award, Christian! Ok my thoughts are really ramble-ish right now so I'm going to write that paper now. I started! But not really. dreaming aloud at 11:07 PM
"View From Heaven" Yellowcard I'm just so tired won't you sing me to sleep and fly through my dreams so I can hitch a ride with you tonight and get away from this place have a new name and face I just ain't the same without you in my life late night drives, all alone in my car I can't help but start singing lines from all our favorite songs and melodies in the air singin life just ain't fair sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone and I'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here and if we all believe in heaven, maybe we'll make it through one more year down here feel your fire, when it's cold in my heart and things sorta start remindin' me of my last night with you I only need one more day just one more chance to say I wish that I had gone up with you too and I'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here and if we all believe in heaven maybe we'll make it through one more year down here you won't be comin' back and I didn't get to say goodbye I really wish I got to say goodbye and I'm sure the view from heaven beats the hell out of mine here and if we all believe in heaven maybe we'll make it through one more year I hope that all is well in heaven cuz it's all shot to hell down here I hope that I find you in heaven cuz I'm so... lost without you down here you won't be coming back and I didn't get to say goodbye I really wish I got to say goodbye dreaming aloud at 10:42 PM
17 February 2004humanity is frailfragile as a butterfly’s wings fluttering in the wind gently blowing delicate as the soft rustle of the paper-thin wings is like the voice of humanity, a whisper in the dark, a cry for help faraway beautiful, but close-up hideous tragic one touch and it dies tiny scales sticking to the oils of our fingers stripped, bleeding, vulnerable one touch and we crumble dreaming aloud at 1:35 AM
15 February 2004A CompilationP.E.-ness. Hug a tree. Tap for smiles! 1-800-BUTT-TAP Hey Christian, I'm outside. I took Spanish, dimwit! Across four feet? [silence] Happy Valentine's Day..."Omg where's that coming from?" "Hahaha the radio!!" Stephanie has CD's! Oh wait, that came out wrong! I have a curious. "Fill me up, fill me up, buttercup, don't break my heart..." Still stuck in my head. dreaming aloud at 12:21 AM
14 February 2004I had a great lunch with my mom today. We had Indian food. YUM. Naan, samosas, fried tofu, fried rice, tandoori chicken...good stuff. I guess it was Indian and Thai, as it was an Indian and Thai Cafe. Anyway. We went so long that I missed belly dancing class. Darn, second I've missed. Oh well, too full to dance today.We were just talking about colleges and physical therapy and all that (PT was great this morning! I love it.), and gosh I did not know my aunt and grandfather felt that way about my choices of college and occupation. Good thing I think like my mom. :) At least my parents are supportive. So I go home, and check my email, and Madeleine emails me to tell me that I've been accepted into Biola University! I'm so excited. :) Now I hafta work hard on my Torrey app. Alrite, just wanted to write that in here. Today has been great so far. And yesterday too. I love these three-day-weekends-that-I-think-of-as-four-day-weekends. I've been having so much fun. Last night, Amaris and I went to Christian's to hang out and watch movies. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days is hilarious when watching with those two. :) I never realized I was so much alike the bad Andie. How sad. Haha. And Amaris is like the good Andie. And Christian's sorta like Ben. And I have a blister from playing video games. Even though I didn't play that long. Hm. I thought my mom would be worried/mad that I got home kinda late, but she wasn't! Yay for no curfews. Christian, you've restored my trust in you while driving. So far. We'll see about long distances. Happy Valentine's Day, all! I'll be having fun, and I hope you do too. With or without a valentine. Biola's my valentine. :) They love me! Yay! haha. Ok I'm really gonna go now. Oh wait. Just wanted to let everyone know not to worry about me too much, cuz this blog helps me a lot just by letting me vent here and get out my thoughts and feelings, so don't think that my life is really like this blog: depressing and sad and angsty and such. I'm not like this all the time (I hope!). :) But I appreciate all who have cared!! Not that I don't need you guys at all...I do. But yeah. I'm gonna stop talking cuz I'm starting to ramble. Ok, that is all. Have a lovely day! dreaming aloud at 3:02 PM
12 February 2004the wound is fresh and newi can never please you will i be able to do things right? i want out. dreaming aloud at 5:55 PM
I can't believe it. I did it. pushed you away you turned the page and closed the book. our book. why? oh, how i wish i could change the past. relive it, i'm drowning in nostalgia. loneliness crept up on me tonight again unexpected, yet expected your company brings me misery. and misery loves company. thinking too much makes me depressed. wanting to cry but having no tears = frustration. would go to sleep, but i'm afraid of dreaming. every time i wake up, it's disappointing. i dream of things unattainable, things impossible. "nothing's impossible" is a lie. i hate facing reality. why won't the real world just stop hassling me... dreaming aloud at 12:02 AM
09 February 2004Senior Ditch Day.Jamba Juice. Indian buffet. good conversations. happy for you. tears. the kind you shed when you realize you've moved on. or another has. just a slight misting. Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. Sweet Tomatoes. Volunteer at John Muir. Belly dancing. Film a snippet. Di's bball game. losing stinks. Youth group. Worship team. first time in ages. bit rusty. Sunday School. Chipotle. Macy's. Christian's. Century Theatres. visiting Moki. Mel's Diner. Barnes & Noble. Christian's. Torrey junk. Christian's. Catch That Kid with Di. More physics. I hate physics. dreaming aloud at 9:26 PM
Ode to Post-Its what would I do without you? your bright, lovely colours all shapes and sizes some fun, some generic suited to fit my needs maybe men can take a lesson or two from you Shoes give me a natural high-- or maybe unnatural-- whenever I see them _____intoxication inevitably follows giddy with excitement a shiver runs down my back _____to see their beauty an orgasmic effect a catch of breath in my throat tries in vain to escape and all I can do is _____whimper I hate blogger. It's not letting me post how I want to post. I want to put spacing in my poems, but it won't let me! It just automatically changes it to one space. It won't even let me press the "tab" key. Argh. So just pretend those lines aren't there. dreaming aloud at 9:03 PM
07 February 2004tongue tumbler.silk quilt. peachish. sheepish peach. toy boat. results best when sleepy, tipsy, or delirious. (any others?) dreaming aloud at 10:56 PM
06 February 2004InevitableShakira Si es cuestión de confesar no se preparar café y no entiendo de fútbol creo que alguna vez fui infiel juego mal hasta el parques y jamás uso el reloj y para ser mas franca nadie piensa en ti como lo hago yo aunque te de lo mismo si es cuestión de confesar nunca duermo antes de diez ni me baño los domingos la verdad es que también lloro una vez al mes sobre todo cuando hay frió conmigo nada es fácil ya debes saber, me conoces bien y sin ti todo es tan aburrido el cielo esta cansado ya de ver la lluvia caer y cada día que pasa es uno mas parecido ayer no encuentro forma alguna de olvidarte porque seguir amándote es inevitable siempre supe que es mejor cuando hay que hablar de dos empezar por uno mismo ya sabrás la situación aquí todo esta peor pero al menos aun respiro no tienes que decir no vas a volver, te conozco bien yo buscare que hacer conmigo (coro) siempre supe que es mejor cuando hay que hablar de dos empezar por uno mismo. I think this song and John Mayer's "Back to You" are sort of the songs of my life. dreaming aloud at 10:39 PM
Oh yes, before I forget. M. C. Litton says: "He who sits on a toilet is high on pot." [imitating Confucious] Mr. Litton cracks me up. dreaming aloud at 3:02 AM
I cannot believe I am still up. That two-hour nap must've really energized me. Except I don't feel energized. Just mellow. Anyway, going to sleep now. Well, soon. Goshers, I get distracted easily. dreaming aloud at 2:54 AM
05 February 2004coloursare fun to play with. instantly transform me into a mermaid. what a lovely feeling it is. to be someone or something else. but only for a brief moment. return home and wash away masque. i am back to being myself. dreaming aloud at 10:47 PM
my six months are up. i completely forgot. 1 feb 2004 i still haven't driven myself around yet. amaris took me home today, her six months not yet passed-- ah, the irony of it all. i CAN get over this fear of driving. but first i need a car. dreaming aloud at 10:35 PM
round and round in circles... 'cos you don't see me and you don't need me yesterday someone told me you still care. that meant the world to me. i hope it's true. i hope you're still you. i can hardly breathe. [fighting this lump growing in my throat. swallowing the tears. i must be tough. and anyway, i have a presentation to write up. no time for sentiments.] dreaming aloud at 10:30 PM
03 February 2004just playing along in this game called lifeacting like i care acting happy, smiling, laughing what's the point of it all everything seems so trivial everyone's lives so full of warmth, colour, glow-- and mine so empty and cold. yet sometimes happy, warm, content. meaningful. small, but good. and what happened to me? i feel as if i have been...sucked up and-- ahh too many voices in my head! do this, do that buy this, be that who is right? who do i listen to? what do i do? who am i? God, where are you? i must listen for your voice do i even recognize you anymore? i feel like such a fraud. people see me i wonder what they think she's so stuck up she's so uptight cruel, antisocial, cold demanding, harsh ugh. i'm so tired. of this world. and i'm tired of being insecure. but how to be secure with yourself? i don't understand. i want friends too. i want people i can count on for anything a close bond my heart tied to another i feel so far away did i do this to myself? distance myself have these high expectations that no one can meet, surpass-- sink into myself close off the world disgusted with myself i did it. i'm guilty. how do i fix it? i repent! i admit it! i'm guilty! so free me. or sentence me. i can't take the suspense anymore. don't touch me i cringe at your casual displays of affection cower under your watching eyes bruise inside where flesh meets flesh so hypersensitive now don't understand why still hurt over those two? hung up over it? them? but i don't care at least that's what i've been telling myself maybe i've been fooling myself cuz i still feel the pangs of hurt over one not the other though only guilt with that one or is it shame? ugh why do i strive for perfection? why do i make my life a living hell? i don't understand myself. self-destruction mode. in my attempt to make my life perfect and blemish-free, safeguarding myself from everything, i hurt myself even more. risks are necessary. though scary. so take a deep breath and jump. plunge in, cuz the water isn't gonna get warmer til you dive in hold your breath and pray hard wow i sound like a dork-- what is with these labels??? fashion trends, laughing at pathetic attempts to hit on girls, unsatisfaction with nerds and living like this-- studying all the time never having fun (am i like that?) do i have fun? i enjoy life --right? i'm going to sleep. 12:12 am. oh gosh. i laugh at others for trying too hard. ...am i trying too hard? in this game called life i am. how do i stop trying so hard? how can i let go and live a little? a little more. give a little. love others more than myself. give to others genuinely. how do i have a genuine and honest and trusting heart? when did i become hardened, calloused, distrustful, doubting, depressing, pessimistic, a cynic? sad all the time. crying at the littlest things. unfocused eyes, glazed, floating everywhere but here. mind wandering. and still not happy. others so desperate. and longing. i always thought myself above everyone else. but i guess not. inside i'm just the same desperate, lonely, pathetic. trying to live life happily. hopefully trying to live life for God. wanting to get away from everyone, away from everyone's touch and yet craving it at the same time i want to love i don't want to be so hardened and yet i'm not, because i dissolve into tears every few minutes-- i'm a mess. i want to be comfortable. 12:26 am. dreaming aloud at 12:12 AM
01 February 2004I went into the bathroom tonight, and I saw an empty chips bag and an empty plastic sports drink bottle on the bathtub ledge.Apparently my brother takes baths. Is anyone ditching on Senior Ditch Day? I suppose not. I wish we could move it to Tuesday. Well, we still have Monday off! Anyone want to go to SF with me (again)? This time for real shopping...not just make up (although that was fun too--I treated myself to an eyeshadow). I think I'm going through shopping withdrawal. Especially with all the junior girls (and sophomores even!) talking about prom...I'm jealous. I want a dress too. Hm. The weekend flew by. More time. I want more time. To relax and do simple little things that I love. That make me smile. I want to take my time and have all the time in the world. But we have a schedule. Sigh. But... Second Semester!! :) Not that that means I can slack off. I don't think I can let myself. Darn perfectionist in me. Well, maybe I can slack off a bit. I've already slacked off by only taking two honors classes. Hm. I seem to have not accomplished anything this weekend. Eh. We rented Bruce Almighty. That was pretty good. I love Josh Groban. Wow. So relaxing too. And I bought Bend It Like Beckham and Picture Perfect last week too. During finals, yep yep. And Christina is burning me a fun mix of Eisley and some other random surprise stuff. Yay! :) I am craving diner food. Mel's, Lori's, Fuddrucker's...YUM. And I want to watch the Brady Bunch. Or Three's Company. And paint my nails pink. Maybe I'll go do that right now. After I finish browsing blogs and blow-drying my hair. Oh, I forgot to say that we went to SF on Friday. Yep yep fun stuff. First time on cable cars too! What a pretty view. :) I liked it better on the way down to the piers than on the way up. The view was just prettier. And I guess since it was my very first ride, it was more exhilirating the first time. Isn't that true with just about anything...how sad. Anyway, we celebrated Bob's and Su Yin's bdays, paid a ridiculous amount of money for dinner (but that's okay cuz we treated them) and for cable cars and BART and such, and almost got into an accident on the way home, and yeah. Fun. I think I won't drive myself around for a long time. There are too many near-accidents. I don't like feeling nauseated. I've been feeling like that this whole weekend. Starting Friday. Uh oh. Hm. Am I getting even more sick? And anxious too...my stomach is all fluttery. Ugh I don't like this feeling anymore. Go away! Leave me alone, butterflies! Why do I feel anxious? Or like I'm going to faint? Or throw up? Even when I have nothing to throw up. I don't understand. Tea is good. dreaming aloud at 10:51 PM
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