28 January 2004Two hours talking, two hours working.Studying. Sort of. Two hours of healing. Of slowly coming alive again. Of feeling. Of awareness. Of caring. It's been so long since I've cared. But then I care too much. Anyway, thanks C. Let go and let be. Who is still there? I know you'll be there forever. On the tip of my tongue. In the back of my mind. When I say "friend," who comes to mind? Few. Let's keep it that way. You. You're still there. dreaming aloud at 11:29 PM
Irish Spring soap candy for breakfast pizza sometimes too Chinese music in the car singing along together on the way to school burritos and chips, smoothies personal pizzas McDonald's special lunches making all the kids jealous Double Mint chewing gum cinnamon applesauce chocolate pudding fruit snacks plastic lunchbox scrunchy pink satin headband with a bow lace and ribbon and ruffles puffy cap sleeves soft pink cotton my favourite dress a brush, a comb, a hair dryer figure-eight shaped elastics with plastic bubbles has it been so long? i miss you. will you ever come back? will you ever be my hairdresser again? let it be. dreaming aloud at 11:22 PM
19 January 2004I watched Sleepless in Seattle with my family today. I love that movie. :) And You've Got Mail. I think I prefer the small-town life, with few but close friends. I'm very antisocial, I noticed. But then, sometimes I feel this deep sadness penetrate my whole body, and my heart seems to sink into my stomach, like I swallowed it. If I'm not around people, I get lonely and sad and depressed-like except not actually depressed. I think I'm way too insecure. I don't want to be around people, but I do. I don't want to make an effort, but I do. I don't know what the heck I want. I want it to be easy. But of course it can't. What are my priorities these days? Are they what they should be? I question myself, but don't know how to change. Or whether to change. Actually, I think I better.Melissa Nathan is my favourite author. :) I love A Walk to Remember. Watched it again after the longest time. Cried through half of it. Watched it with Dad. Family. Tough stuff. I love them. Especially laughing with them. Crying is sometimes ok too. I think I just may love you. Except not like that. Senior project is really starting to irritate me. Because I can't figure out what I want to do, or what question to write about, or who to get to mentor me. Any ideas?? Please help!! Is it possible that maybe I just haven't met you all yet? I don't seem to care anymore. But then it still hurts. Am I pretending not to care? Or too stuck to possibly care? Don't have time? Energy? Are these just excuses? dreaming aloud at 12:39 AM
09 January 2004I want to go to Berkeley! NOW. asap. Oh, mommy... :)Hm. Saturday 17 January looks open. Hopefully Mom can go too. dreaming aloud at 11:49 PM
08 January 2004note to self: check out this site.Elf is the cutest movie. :) I love it. "Baby It's Cold Outside" - Leon Redbone/Zooey Deschanel dreaming aloud at 9:56 PM
Screw you. You suck. I hate you. Only right now though. I probably will not hate you in about an hour. More like five minutes. But...you're very hurtful. Did you know that? I bet you don't even realize it. Go away. But come back. dreaming aloud at 5:26 PM
I just cut my nails. Wow my hands feel free! I'm not meant to have long nails, I think. I love my friends. You pull yourself into a rut, and then they are there to pull you out. :) Thanks guys. I love this feeling of having short nails again. Kind of having no nails. Just feeling the fleshy tips of my fingers type on this keyboard. Great feeling. I'm still sad. But I'll heal. dreaming aloud at 12:32 AM
07 January 2004Boyfriends are nothing more than accessories these days. And none of you guys match my outfits! (Ok, Moki knows what I'm talking about, haha.)I hate the word "boyfriend." And "girlfriend." It sounds to me like an object. Like, this week I got a new handbag, new shoes, and a new boyfriend. Ew. I need to stay far away from boys. I'm sick of being too trusting, and not even realizing certain things until they are pointed out to me. I'm so stupid. So trusting. So naive. SO DUMB. I don't know what to do. Can I trust you? I really want to, with all my heart. But I don't know if I should anymore...I have been, and suffering inside because of it. It's pure torture. I don't know if the honorable thing to do is to keep on being a good friend, and get trampled on, pushed aside, and forgotten, or to say that this isn't fair to me and let go and let our friendship be a memory. I can't do this. I don't have the strength to let go. So maybe I'll just stay here, waiting, in the wings, unseen, unheard. And I'll gather up my tears. My head and heart hurt too much tonight. And still the night drags on. (Homework calls.) I need a good cry. dreaming aloud at 10:26 PM
I wish I could put music on this blog. I wonder if anyone knows how. Anyone?? Please tell me how! Twinkies are yummy. Gosh I had strange cravings today. First Wendy's fries, then pizza, then cheese, then Twinkies. And I think I wanted chips and cheese puffs too. But I ended up getting Twinkies. I feel sorry for my future husband already...I'm going to be the most annoying pregnant woman. But anyway. So Amaris, Bob, Anton and I were going to go to Mary's Pizza Shack after school, but it would have taken too long, and Anton had to leave soon, so we were trying to decide where else to go: Panda Express, Carl's Junior, or this burrito place, none of which seemed appealing. Then Anton had to leave so we went to Mary's, but it was too expensive so we walked out and went to Nob Hill, browsing the aisles for something good. I wanted potato wedges but apparently (according to Amaris and Bob) because they're not Safeway, they don't have them. So we got Twinkies and Bob got his donut holes. That was a random blurb about nothing. Ooh I'm excited for senior project! But kinda nervous too. So much work. Blah I don't want to do all of it...just the fun part. I think I'm going to paint. Yay so excited! Talking to Rosa about it at brunch and lunch got me all excited. :) Oh, the possibilities. I think I know what I want to paint now. I don't know if I can do it or not though...might be kinda hard for a novice like me. I started reading The Nanny today, and it has such cute British slang. I started a list of my favorite British words. It's loads of fun. :) Before I forget, Amaris go check if you can go to Lion King!! Feb 10. Ask your parents! And see if you're free. It's a Tuesday night. It'll be so fun if you could come! Chinese music is so pretty. I wish I knew which artists are good, because I want to buy some CDs. Or at least get some mixes. It's such feel-good music. I had the oddest dream last night. But the scary thing is, I think I was happy. I wonder if dreams have to do with real life at all. Hm. I doubt it. But still. It's these kinds of dreams that make me think twice. ...no, it can't be. I can't. I don't. Dragon rolls from Safeway are yummy. Oh, and last night I had sushi too. Mmm. There was even raw salmon on it! If you know me, I usually don't eat raw things, especially not raw fish. Phobia or something. But I ate it, and it was pretty good. But I can only take so much of it. Avocadoes make up for it though. I love avocadoes. And sushi rice. Japanese rice is the BEST. :) And there was this cute waiter at the restaurant too. :) That was fun. Except not, cuz I was with my family. Darn I needed a friend to go giggle with. I had to giggle to myself (well, smile anyway, and try to hide it). People frustrate me SO VERY much. But some people make life okay. :) I feel like watching the ice skating I taped. Well, the rest of it. Cuz I already watched some of it. Or a movie. A nice chick flick. Ooh! Like "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"! Maybe later tonight. Don't laugh, but I sort of want a tutu. They're cute. Only to prance around the house with though. Unless I could somehow get away with wearing it out. Maybe a skirt that sort of looks like a tutu. Yes. That's what I want. Lists are fun. :) Must stop blogging now. Goodbye. dreaming aloud at 7:12 PM
06 January 2004I'm biting my nails again! It's fun but so bad for me. Make me stop!! How to stop?AIM is so fun. I can feel the addiction coming again. But no! Must resist! Must cure this bad habit. But it doesn't work unless I ban it completely. Which kind of sucks. And anyway there are always blogs to read. Which also wastes time. And now look! It's 10:40 and I haven't done anything productive today. Oh well. Little Jeffrey called last night! It made me so happy to hear his voice again. I miss how he always helped me on math over the phone, and how we stayed up late talking, him with his mumbly sleepy voice and me with my baby creamy voice. I only got to see him for like two seconds today. :( Darn New York meeting. I've realized that I don't understand boys as well as I thought I did. And I can't be friends with them even. All relationships with boys are disfunctional. Probably because I am disfunctional. But girls make me sad too. They get on my nerves. Only some though. I got the Anthropologie catalog in the mail today! I'll go look at it later. Now back to essay-ing. Except not really. Maybe some more blogs. No. Must write! Grr. I'll be glad when Jan 15 comes along. Then NO MORE!!! :) Well, there's still FAFSA and all that jazz. But still. dreaming aloud at 10:37 PM
03 January 2004Darn, I always forget to write something.I like the movie "Bend it Like Beckham." The movie "All I Want" is the oddest movie. So random. I want a digital camera! Except I don't, because then I won't take regular pictures, and there's something about actually holding and framing real photographs. Maybe I won't get one. Well, maybe I will, for college. Gosh, it's so hard for me to admit that I am wrong. Especially to my mom, who somehow knows anyway. It's good that she points it out though. Whew. I did it. What a relief. Now I have a clear conscience. Oh wait...there's that other thing. Darn. Not exactly clear yet. But growing less foggy. Okay, two things. I HATE GUILT!!! It's one of the worst feelings in the world. And darn, I didn't work on my essays today. Well, I did, but barely. It's pure crap. I keep feeling like I'm done. But I'm not. Still got one more. But chatting online is fun too. When you actually talk. Lots of realization today. Or now. Whatever. I'm not good at taking risks. I love familiarity and comfort too much. When do I know when to take a risk? And how do I do it? Leap of faith. This is so hard. dreaming aloud at 1:02 AM
I haven't really felt like writing in here for a while. Not in the writing mood I guess. Wish I could get back into the habit of journaling. And I'm bored of my layout. Though I don't know what I'd want instead. My problem is that I get tired of things easily. But I also like familiarity. So I dunno how that works. I'm just finicky and fickle I suppose. Picky is a word people usually use to describe me. I never liked the whole reflecting-on-the-past-year-and-making-resolutions-for-the-upcoming-year thing, so I won't do it here. Although it is good to do, I've slowly been realizing. Reflection is good. I don't think I ever take the time to really do that sort of thing, in any aspect of my life. But anyways. Rozita makes my day. :) I love when she calls me just to say hi and chat a bit. It's comforting to know you have at least one friend like that. Amarisisms are funny. I'm compiling a list in my AIM profile. Here are three (I can't think of any others right now, though I know there are many MANY more): "getting into the hang of things," "i'm wordless," "we were delirious but we got dried out." Help me think of more! I know you know some... I don't understand how Amaris doesn't understand the concept of drinking warm water. And instead she drinks...warm milk?! I've heard of it, and have drunk it, but I think it's disgusting. Milk was meant to be cold. I'm listening to Norah Jones right now...which reminds me of Karaoke Revolution. We played it at Amaris' New Year's party. Was loads of fun. Especially hearing everyone sing. :) And Liz is great at playing the piano...and gosh, her voice! And Theresa's! Wow. And everyone else is pretty good too! Seriously! That includes you, Amaris. :) Our sleepovers DO get mellower and mellower. But each one, I see different sides of all of our friends, which is nice. I can't believe I didn't stay up all night on New Year's! I broke the tradition...er, my tradition. Hehe. Only for the past few years though. Gosh got so much sleep...fell asleep round 4 or 4:30 and woke up around 11:30. Actually woke up many times before and then just went back to sleep, but got up at 11:30. Teehee Amaris' dad is so funny...banging around the kitchen and playing bluegrass music to wake us up (or to get us to get up) haha. :) Lots of lounging this break. I'm going to miss that. I miss break already, and it's not even over. Today was fun too. Woke up extremely early to go to a Martinez court case, but there were no jury cases today, so Chris and I went home. I watched loads of TV and ate yummy food (tried to start reading the govt chapters and take notes during commercials, but didn't really get much done). Went out to a late lunch with my family at PF Chang's (cheesecake! yum! oh and I had cheesecake at Amaris' too...yay for cheesecake!). Then went shopping around Broadway. Picked out lots of stuff for di. Ahh, this music is v. soothing. I could fall asleep...except I'm finally in a semi-writing mood. Well not fall asleep. Just relax completely. Gosh this break has been full of eating and lounging, of drowning myself in tea and warm goodies to eat, so I've probably gained lots of extra waist-age. I need to exercise, not because I think I look fat, but because I feel really unhealthy. Ugh. But, like many other things, I always need someone to keep me accountable. Anyone want to exercise with me? Go walking or something? I'd go by myself, but I usually want to walk at night, and by then I can't walk out alone because it's not safe and I'm a girl. I still need a wall calendar. And those post-it tabs. And I'd like a book of ballet photography. And Calvin and Hobbes comic books. :) Gotta love them...they crack me up. Been trying to have my quiet times on a daily basis again. Read some good stuff. V. helpful. Is this a hint, God? :) Thanks, I always knew I could count on you to give me a nudge when I need it. Aaah...I need more guts. I'm a confrontational person, right? So why am I such a chicken these times? Ok...I can do this. Just not right now. Not that I could anyway, as it is getting rather late. My nails are super long! For me, anyway. Wow. I'm surprised. But I'll prolly have to cut them when school starts...for orchestra. I really hope we start our string quartet!! It would be so much fun! I'm still miffed that I'm not going to be part of a quartet. But I'll be going to New York instead! I guess that's good too. I can't wait to hear what musical selections Shiuanie will have picked out for me!! I really want to hear Chinese music. And that boy from Comic Boyz (?) is cute. Taiwanese, dontcha know. And I'm curious to hear how good Jay Chou is...because supposedly he is good. Ok, enough blogging for today. Oh, one more thing. Sorry Freesh for leaving you there all alone today!! (At the Martinez court house, because she didn't have to see a jury case like we do. Darn Parsons. Well at least we only have to do two hours and not three. Oh yes. And one more thing. Mrs. Woo is awesome!! She lets me beat up on Chris! Teehee. Only when he says "it's not my fault!" though. Because it gets rather annoying, as he says it about fifty times in the span of two hours.) Off to do some thinking. Good thinking, hopefully, and not thinking that will lead to a sad feeling. dreaming aloud at 12:28 AM
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