30 November 2003Agh! Sorry Alfred! I called you back around ten, but your mom said you were asleep. Sorry for calling so late, I had to write a paper that's due tomorrow. (Ugh that was the worst paper I've ever written...probably the fastest, too.) Thanks for calling, though. :) Maybe we can talk some other time.Hm. Not that you can see this right now. Because you're asleep. But oh well. Wow, haven't talked to bunches of people in a while. Feel secluded, here at home. It's kind of nice, though, hiding from the world. Only for a little while though, because it soon becomes lonely. Family's always great though. Well...except when tempers flare and you get on each others' nerves. Hopefully I can talk to a few people this week...really miss you guys!! :) Off to read Mock Congress bills...unless I fall asleep first. dreaming aloud at 10:26 PM
Thank you to: Amaris and Chris, for the yummy chocolate turkey cake and cds. I'll never escape those photos, haha! I guess they're not too horrible, though. That was a fun Halloween. Shiuanie, for the birthday banner online. How do I save it? Jeff, for the necklace. Thanks for dropping by. Smee, for the e-card. Argh couldn't pin the ruddy tail on the monkey!! Felicia, for the Emily Dickinson card and the photography book. Sorry for missing your calls!! Kat and her family, for the pocket binoculars and mini flashlight. They'll come in handy when we go and see Cirque du Soleil!! (We BETTER go!) Thanks to all my friends who remembered my birthday and gave me gifts. I really expected everyone to forget. So thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Wow, seventeen feels old. And kinda in-between. You're not young, like sixteen, and you're not an adult, at eighteen. This break has been very relaxing. Lots of time with the family. Lots of mah jong and movies. And of course, food. It's been so great to hang out with them and laugh harder than I have in a while. Dad's been doing really well lately; his spirits are up, as well as his energy. I'm really starting to understand how important family is. Although I don't give them enough of my time or attention or energy. Really should spend more time with them, talking and such. Shouldn't get so impatient. But I haven't really, this break. It's been good. It's encouraging to see Dad laugh so hard, along with the rest of the family, of course. And the constant reminder of how much my brother looks up to me. It's so endearing. :) I have to be careful, though. Watch my actions to be sure I set a good example for him. And Mom...love teasing her and joking around, so much fun. We have a special bond that is only growing stronger. Hope I can be there for her more often. Had a good talk with Christian last night, for a couple of hours. Thanks for the advice, it really helped. And just to talk it through, and let it all out. Thanks for listening. :) We have to see Elf sometime! Hey, guess what? I realized that my Harry Potter DVD came with a gift certificate of up to $6.50 off a movie ticket to Elf!! How awesome is that?! Let's go!! :) (Cept not tomorrow...can't, cuz I've got loads of homework I put off...hehehe...oops.) Thanks for calling me, Rozita, that one night...erm...don't remember which, now. I think Wednesday. Cheered me up lots. :) As you always can and do. I've got that song from Tarzan stuck in my head, the one that Usher sings: "You'll Be in My Heart." Pretty much done with college apps. UC and CSU. Now onto Biola...hopefully it won't be too difficult. Love the Lizzie McGuire Movie, the Sound of Music, Princess Diaries, and Harry Potter. Fleece blankets and cups of tea have been so familiar these past few days. Oooh, saw the end of Never Been Kissed the other day. Was simply lovely. Oh, Happy Birthday Michael Vartan! :) (Who shares the same birthday as me!! Yay!) Thanks for calling me to wish me a happy birthday, Mike. Missed ya today...heard you were in SF, watching a show? What show? Lucky you. :) And some quizzes...  Your soul is bound to the Rose Bud: The Naive. "I keep all of my secrets somewhere inside and though I haven't let myself shine to the world, I'm good for something but too good to give to you." The Rose Bud is associated with innocence, curiosity, and confidence. It is governed by the god Cupid and its sign is The Dewdrop, or Puppy Love. As a Rose Bud, you may have grand ideas about love and you may well be inexperienced. You tend to be optomistic, idealistic, and curious, but it's just because you like being a positive person. You also may have high thoughts of yourself, and can come off a bit conceited, but it's just a mask to hide your lack of experience. What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To? brought to you by Quizilla  You are Form 3, Unicorn: The Innocent. "And The Unicorn knew she wasn't meant to go into the Dark Wood. Disregarding the advice given to her by the spirits, Unicorn went inside and bled silver blood.. For her misdeed, the world knew evil." Some examples of the Unicorn Form are Eve (Christian) and Pandora (Greek). The Unicorn is associated with the concept of innocence, the number 3, and the element of water. Her sign is the twilight sun. As a member of Form 3, you are a curious individual. You are drawn to new things and become fascinated with ideas you've never come in contact with before. Some people may say you are too nosey, but it's only because you like getting to the bottom of things and solving them. Unicorns are the best friends to have because they are inquisitive. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Don't want to sleep. Been having dreams...and it's so hard to wake up and face reality. But, as Dumbledore says, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. Anyway, finally off to bed. Should get some sleep...yikes it's later than I thought! Hope I can wake up tomorrow for church! I really should sleep earlier...but then I get in these moods...anyway, goodnight. dreaming aloud at 2:58 AM
26 November 2003Sigh...I waited a long time for break...and now that it's here, and I'm actually able to relax...I'm restless and bored. I want to do something!! I don't really want to stay at home. Shopping yesterday was a lot of fun. Going to Chris' was fun too, all that decorating. But I dunno, I'm sooo restless! I just want to get together and laugh! It's sort of lonesome here at home...I mean, I love my family, and hanging out with them is fun too. But I guess I miss my friends. And I don't know who to call. I'm tired of all this alone time. It's too quiet and mellow around here for me. It sorta gets me in a thinking mood, which always leads to a semi-"depressing" mood...not depressing, maybe...sad? I dunno the word. Melancholy and mopey is more like it. And I always feel lethargic and sluggish too. I need to get out and DO something!! Anyone wanna hang out? I don't waaaaaaaaaanna do homework!!dreaming aloud at 10:32 PM
WOOHOO!!!!! Done with UC apps!!! :) Just ordered my ballet slippers online as a reward (well, actually as a birthday present from Mom, yay). :) It says they should arrive on 12 December...gosh that's far away. Going to Chris' soon, with Amaris. Should be interesting...I think I might go into shock, going by what they've told me about Christmas at Chris' house. At least I'll get to see Amaris' also...a slightly more normal version, hehe. I know it's far away, but...can't wait for girls' sleepover and LotR partay at Smee's! :) I love sleeping in. I had the weirdest dream last night, though. Haha it was so funny. It was prolly cuz I hung out with Rozita last night (we went shopping!!). My milkshake's betta than yours!! HAHA. :) Hm. I just realized that Rozi can't read this. Or isn't reading it, anyway. Oh well. It was still funny. dreaming aloud at 1:07 PM
25 November 2003It feels like October. I don't like this feeling. Why doesn't it feel like November?!dreaming aloud at 11:51 PM
Hm. I think I know why I dislike sleep so much. I'm such a coward. dreaming aloud at 12:46 AM
I like the word "brouhaha." :) It's cute. Pauls called me yesterday!! :) Can't wait til she comes home so we can have a conversation without stupid cell phones cutting out or dying on us. It was nice catching up with her though. Called when I was particularly frustrated and...shocked, flustered, feeling stupid and naive, and the like. So that was nice. Grandma taught me and Di how to knit again! That was fun. Starting to knit my Gryffindor scarf, ever so slowly. Maybe I'll have more chances to work on it this week, during break. Tomorrow's like FRIDAY!!! :) (Er, today, now.) Been reading Harry Potter. It's so addicting. Love the stuff. Need second book!! Read first and third recently, about to start fourth and fifth again. Perhaps I should read my unread books, instead of reading the same books over and over again. Then again, there is something to be said about comfort books. Familiar, trustworthy, companionable. Lovely friends, they are. I was tempted to go on AIM today. But decided against it, as I had a paper to write for Photo (yes, Photo) and my essay to finish up for UC apps. Almost done with apps...!!! Just a quick update. And now it is time for bed. dreaming aloud at 12:44 AM
21 November 2003Saw Flowers for Algernon today. Production Workshop. With Rozita, Amaris, Chris, Christian, Nikhil. Incredibly good. Incredibly sad. Cried. Cold. Shivering outside, then in Amaris' warmed-up car. Home.Intense sadness. Aching loneliness. No idea why. Well, maybe some idea. Guilt, shame, remorse. Don't know what to do, except hide. Hide from everything. And an insatiable longing, for something that will never happen. That won't go away, won't stop haunting me. Give up. Or hold on. I don't know how to let go. I don't think I can. I don't even know if I really want to. I don't understand people. Sometimes they're such a comfortable fit, and sometimes you feel them rubbing against you the wrong way, the opposite direction. Wish I could understand people's pain, suffering, why they feel the way they do, what influenced them to be the way they are. The more I try to think about things, the more confused I get, the more lost I feel. The blurrier the line is that separates right from wrong, good from evil. I thought I had it all figured out; I thought I knew. And now? Now I'm just back at the beginning. The very lowest level. But not starting over completely. I still know...something...I don't know what, exactly. But it's there. I feel it. Not that it helps. I wish I knew what to do. I am such a coward. And immature, more immature than I thought I was. What a fool I am for thinking I was actually a bit more mature for my age. I seem to have regressed. I feel so foolish, so embarrassed. I'm getting tired of people. Some people. And I cling desperately to others. A hypocrite am I. Do I have any right to judge them? I don't even know if I do the same to others, maybe I do. Am I so blind? But I guess I can only do what I believe to be right for now, until my eyes and ears are opened to see and hear more of the truth. Follow your heart? How do you even know if it is your heart that you are listening to? How can we be trusted to know? Humans are selfish and foolish. I am so sick of self-centered people, yet I know I am as well; we all are, to an extent. Humans just are that way. But does this mean I can feel this way, or am I wrong to feel this way? I don't understand how to figure out if something is right or wrong. I mean, sure, look in the Bible, pray, ask God. But I'm sick of these cop-out answers. I know there is some truth in these, but I can't accept them right now. I need something more tangible. But I shouldn't; that's what faith is all about. Guess I'm just struggling right now. With what, I don't even know. Something. The something that is missing. Is something missing? Maybe it's all in my head. Where is the rain when you need it the most? I think I'll go read Calvin and Hobbes now, and hug my teddy bear. I need a bit of comfort. Perhaps a cup of hot tea as well (I really would prefer hot chocolate, but it is almost midnight, so I probably shouldn't drink cocoa at this hour). I really want to buy some yarn, so I can knit. Must ask Grandma for knitting needles, and probably a refresher course on knitting. Want to knit that Gryffindor scarf, and leg warmers also. dreaming aloud at 11:32 PM
19 November 2003-talked with Rozita during SS2 :)-di's bball game. got v. angry, along with Mom, esp. at cheerleaders. -thank you, Jon, for the Michelle Branch cd!! :) -went shopping with Mom (Gap, etc.) -Mom's old clothes actually fit me dreaming aloud at 11:14 PM
18 November 2003Haha! I go to my.yahoo.com to listen to my radio station, and guess what the first song they play is? "Breathe"!!dreaming aloud at 9:39 PM
Found interesting poetry sites: as is mad verse dot com dreaming aloud at 9:21 PM
I'm listening to Michelle Branch's "Breathe" over and over and over again...and I'm tending to do that with a song I suddenly take a liking to...listen to it round and round until I can't bear another note, another word...Aahh! I'm becoming like Chris!!! dreaming aloud at 9:13 PM
Things that made my day: -Mr. Miller gave me a 50/50 on my college essay. -Cookie and juice in advisory (like little kid snacks in kindergarten!), little group discussion instead of huge group. -Lunch with the girls. Yesterday and today we've been laughing our butts off. :) Can't wait for the LotR sleepover!! I vote we make Rozita dress up as something weird again, haha. :) -Govt homeless project. It's pretty interesting, and I have a good group for once. -Got a 59/60 on the Physics test I thought I completely botched. (Grr stupid EC though...wrong *NSync member...*NSync sucks. Haha jk.) -Talking to Christian and Amaris after school. Just cuz they rock my socks. :) -Eddie said I was an excellent writer! :) (He read over my college essay.) -Cookie dough ice cream and Harry Potter after school. -Walking to tutoring today--it was nice outside. Things that made me want to kill (ok, hurt) something/someone today: -Matt in Orchestra (my stand partner). 'Nuff said. -Oh wait, Matt spilling my hot chocolate. GRR. And apologizing but not helping to clean up. -Still being in a weird mood from yesterday/last night. ARGH I hate being so extremely moody and emotional. And I was super frustrated. And a lot of stuff bothering me, I guess. But the weird mood disappeared at lunch. :) During Photo, Jenna, Melissa, and I didn't really do anything today, so we just sat at our table talking. Jenna was telling us how she and her boyfriend, as well as her other friend and her boyfriend, are moving into this apartment nearby Willow Shopping Center (I think) in August. She talked about how much it was (pretty cheap per person) and how she made enough money from her job at Noah's Bagels to pay for it and also cover bills and food and stuff, and how her mom would probably buy them all furniture, but she'd prolly hafta pay for a queen-sized bed by herself, cuz her mom prolly wouldn't pay for it, and "it's not like me and Matt are going to sleep in our own little twin-sized beds across the room from each other." That shouldn't have shocked me, but it did, because I realized how naive I am. I know people sleep with each other all the time, and half the people in our grade have had sex, and most of the other half have come close. And I also know most people have gotten drunk, or high, and do stuff like this all the time. But I've just never really talked to anyone who does it on a regular basis--if I have, I didn't know they did. And we definitely didn't talk about THAT. All my friends aren't like that. And I'm SO glad. I like being sheltered. I like taking my time in growing up. I like that the biggest problems in my life are whether the boy I like noticed me today, or not being able to decide between a bagel or coffee cake for breakfast (both!), or who's mad at who, and who likes who, and all that other "petty" jazz. I don't want to be tied down to someone, worrying about whether I can talk to this person without offending my boyfriend, and practically being married already. I can't believe they're all moving in together! I mean, what if they break up? What if they can't stand each other? What if they just...don't have room to breathe? How can they confine themselves to such a small room, small life? And living together like that, sharing everything, is just like being married. We're too young to be married! Get out and go live your life! Live it to the fullest extent, while you're young and carefree and have wild ambitions and dreams! Don't settle for something less...and while their idea is great, it's just a little too...stifling. Maybe when we're a bit older, it'd be great. Having a plan is definitely great, but...well, if they're happy, then I guess it works for them. I could never do that though. All I want to do is be able to fly, or at least have the room to stretch my wings. Been shopping online for a LONG time. And blog-surfing, of course. Off to work on my college essays (the 200-word ones), blog-surf some more, and watch TV. Possibly post again later. dreaming aloud at 9:01 PM
17 November 2003Ugh. I just wasted so much time on the computer. Watched a movie with Dad (Kate & Leopold) and read blogs/xangas. Updated my extremely old xanga (with nothing important, just changed layout colors and stuff). And uhm...that's about it. Oh and got ACT scores. Yep that's all. My eyes hurt.Don't feel like doing anything. Maybe I'll go watch TV. dreaming aloud at 7:45 PM
16 November 2003Sometimes I wish I had more courage. Maybe then I could tell you. But maybe it's better this way, because then I won't ruin it. But it's already being ruined. In my eyes, anyway. (There's SO many of them!!) I wish I had the guts to take more initiative. I'm not aggressive enough, I suppose. Too insecure in that matter. Please talk to me...dreaming aloud at 8:13 PM
I'm terrified of driving now. In the past week, I've almost gotten into two accidents. I wasn't driving, though. Oddly enough, they both happened coming home from the movies. Hm. Today's was too close for comfort. Almost unreal. I was totally shaken. It was like in a movie. The other one was on Tuesday. Ironic, the way it happened (or didn't). So incredibly lucky no one was hurt, that nothing happened. You guys aren't bad drivers; I'm definitely not saying you are. The situations were just scary. That's all. Argh. Up late again. Doing absolutely nothing. Just don't feel the need to sleep yet. Dunno what's bothering me still. But something's still missing. I guess I sorta have an idea. I don't like to admit that it's because of that, though. Bugger. dreaming aloud at 1:15 AM
14 November 2003Hm. These tests are rather interesting.
Well. I think that's enough for now, don't you think? Yes. I've taken almost every one. Haha. Oops. Oh well. Bugger. I don't want to go to bed yet. But I should. I am tired...I just don't feel like sleeping yet. Sleep is such a waste of time. My face feels like it's on fire. My ears are burning. Wow, I feel like Ron Weasley. Teehee. Not that I feel like a boy or anything. Ahem. Anyways. Finished Shopaholic series!! Toldja I'd be done in a week, Mike! :) Now I need some new books to read...easy and fun reads, not stuffy and boring and difficult to understand. Photo is fun. :) I like the pictures I took. Of junk. They look good though. Hm. The personality type that matches well with me is Idealist or Artist. Fits. I like that. :) Can't find Jessica McClintock online. That gold dress I like. Hmph. Watched Brady Bunch today! Some old episodes we taped ages ago. It's fun to watch them again. Can't wait for Thanksgiving, so we can watch stuff like that all day. Brady Bunch, Sound of Music, Parent Trap, My Fair Lady, maybe even Three's Company (first season DVD!!! ahh can't wait!). I really want Michelle Branch and Hilary Duff's cds. And classical music, too. String stuff. Like chamber music, string quartets/quintets/small ensembles, string orchestras, and symphonies. Want to go to a used bookstore. Badly. And shopping too. I feel the need to burn money, to buy something. How sad that these things can cheer me up. Momentarily, mind you. Only a temporary fix, a temporary distraction. Not that anything's wrong. Today after school was fun. It started to drizzle, so Amaris, Asmita and I sat in Amaris' car for a while, talking. Had some good laughs. Haven't laughed that hard in a while. :) Saw a double rainbow! Two full rainbows. It was beautiful. I love the way the sky looks after it has rained. It cleared up a bit, so you could see blue sky. The clouds were still there, but the sun was peeking through, behind them. The rays of the sun on the hills were beautiful, making the dry, wheat-colored hills look golden and glowing, in contrast to the higher, darker hills shrouded in fog. And the texture of the clouds! Some were well-defined and distinctly puffy, others were more wispy and thin. Some were gray and gloomy, others were a brilliant white or ivory, highlighted by sunbeams. Some stood out more than others. Foreground, middle ground, background. I think I'm starting to think like a photographer. I wonder if that's a good thing. Smee had to go, and Amaris and I sat in her car for a little, before deciding to grab something to eat. My tummy decided it wanted a strawberry milkshake from Mel's Diner, so we set off. Had to park in Barnes & Noble parking lot because there was no street parking spots available. Browsed a bit in Barnes, since we were there and all. Then walked towards Mel's...distracted by Tiffany & Co. :) Looked at the displays, then walked to Mel's after our tummies complained. We were both really craving fries and milkshakes, and were extremely set on getting those exact things. It's a good thing they don't run out of that stuff, otherwise we'd be really upset. Decided to eat dinner there, cuz everything sounded so good and it was close to dinner time anyway. Tuna melt, cheese fries, strawberry milkshake <--what I ordered. Tuna melt, fries, vanilla milkshake <--what Amaris ordered. YUMMY. But afterwards we felt like we were going to burst, so we walked around a bit to walk it off. When we laughed though, it was not good. It hurt so much. And of course we couldn't stop laughing cuz it was funny. That it hurt so much. And then to Oak Lane...nothing terribly exciting there. And...Brenden. To visit Moki, who wasn't working there tonight. Boo on him. The one time we actually go visit...sigh. Well, initially we just went to check what time Love Actually is playing tomorrow, then realized that they don't show the previous times or the next day's times. Gah. Smart us. Realized we couldn't get in without paying, so we went in the side door, where everyone was exiting. I think some people were giving us weird looks, probably thinking we were going to sneak into some movie. Which we could have done. But we didn't. :) Um...walked around some more...looked at stuff...went home. And yeah. Did stuff online...finished Shopaholic...watched some Brady Bunch...and now I'm here. And now I should sleep. Cuz it's getting late. And my face is still burning. It's so flushed. Gargh. I really should write in my regular journal. Eh, this one works too, I suppose. Goodnight! dreaming aloud at 11:40 PM
Extroverted (E) 58.33% Introverted (I) 41.67% Intuitive (N) 57.89% Sensing (S) 42.11% Feeling (F) 65.79% Thinking (T) 34.21% Judging (J) 52.78% Perceiving (P) 47.22% dreaming aloud at 8:38 PM
I saw her today. For the second time. It hurt so much to look at her. If I just breathe Let it fill the space between I'll know everything is alright Breathe, Every little piece of me You'll see Everything is alright If I just breathe Breathe So I whisper in the dark, Hoping you hear me Do you hear me? I've been driving for an hour Just talking to the rain -"Breathe," Michelle Branch I would like to drive for hours, thinking to myself, talking to the rain. Unfortunately, there is no rain, and I do not have a car. Still, it is a lovely thought. Must learn to play the guitar. Can't wait to take art classes. Want to paint, very badly. I'd love to lose myself in music, or in art, right now. I cannot go listen to an orchestra or symphony, however, and I cannot visit an art museum right now. Wish I could. I've already read half of Shopaholic Ties the Knot today, though. Sometimes it's nice to take a break from your own life. Although mine isn't bad. It's actually quite nice. I just...get tired of it sometimes. Would like to stay up for hours, writing, preferrably in my journal, but my hand would start hurting, and I need to wake up extra early tomorrow. Meeting with English group for presentation rehearsal. Ugh. Waking up BEFORE 7...unheard of. Angry at Blogger for losing my entries. One last night when it was "updating" or something, and one just now. Supposedly the drafts are saved somewhere, although I don't know where. It would be lovely if they would tell me. Something's missing. Do you hear it? dreaming aloud at 12:42 AM
09 November 2003I have two--no, three--episodes of Alias to catch myself up with. Including tonight's. Gaah. Maybe I'll watch them on Tuesday. Yay can't wait til Tuesday...NO SCHOOL!!!!! Darn the schools that get four-day weekends.I think I have become dependent on hot chocolate to start my school days. I simply cannot function without it. Sigh. This is not good. I don't get cravings for solid chocolate anymore...only in the form of hot liquid. Also in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I'm addicted to fanfiction. Harry Potter fanfiction. I have been reading for hours, and I can't stop. It's just so good. And I really should be writing my college app essays... Back to reading. Then maybe more writing. dreaming aloud at 9:02 PM
I think I need to buy Harry Potter. Or borrow someone's. I desperately need to treat myself to a Ron Weasley session. (Not that I deserve it. I guess I don't need to treat myself. I just want to watch.) I love Ron. :) Ooh, and Oliver Wood too. And I want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean again. Hey, do either of these movies work for the Hero's Journey paper we have to write for English?!?!?! Maybe I CAN watch these, legitimately!!! Also I would like to read the next two Shopaholic books...which Mike let me borrow today!! YAY!!! I'm in a weird mood right now. I kinda wish I had someone to talk to. Not about anything in particular, just, you know, to talk and goof off with. Maybe get delirious, haha. (Amaris, we haven't gotten delirious in a looong time!! We've been too stuffy and serious lately. Or maybe just too much drama going on.) But it's almost 1:30. So there's no one I could call. And I don't want to go on AIM. So here I am, writing in this thing. I should sleep. I had a headache earlier, at youth group. Prolly cuz the weather, and cuz I was INstuffySIDE. Goosh. (That's my new word. Actually my brother made it up, by accident. Cuz he meant to say gosh but said goosh instead...it was funnier then. You had to be there.) But I spent about $80 today. Haha. Wow I'm so bad. But I needed all of them!! ...kinda. Guess I didn't need the skirt. But it's comfy. And I needed all the rest. So ha. But I realized the two pairs of shoes I bought are too big, so I want to go exchange sizes. Hopefully tomorrow. Oh yeah, so I had a headache earlier. And I was laying down on the floor, resting cuz my head was hurting. And Justin taps me and puts this folded-up super soft and squishy jacket bundle under my head. I don't even know Justin that well, but the simple act was the sweetest thing someone could do for me at the moment, and I really just want to write that down. :) Got an email from little Jeffrey today. In response to my email to him. Goosh it's so weird writing emails to him. I can't do it. But I won't go on AIM either. So...hm. I miss talking to him. But he's got Cath now :). So s'all good. He doesn't need me to pick on anymore, haha. Sigh. Sadly enough, I miss that too. Goosh what's gotten into me?? ---------------------------------------------- I have one thing to say to you. How can you ask why I won't listen to you when you haven't even tried? I made an effort to talk to you and you just walked away in stony silence. And you have the nerve to ask why I won't listen to you? The only fury I have towards you is because you walked away, and then the next day pretended like everything was ok. You even dared to join our group and chat with us. How could I pretend nothing was wrong? Your actions begged me to dismiss the previous day's event (or maybe you thought nothing of that; maybe you thought nothing was wrong). But I cannot. I will not. That was the deepest, rudest offense you could have done to me, short of saying "You wouldn't understand." (Because I hate that too. It's just a cop-out. If you don't want to tell me, then don't tell me. But don't tell me I wouldn't understand. Because how do you know, if you haven't tried explaining?) I'm just plain mad. Well, offended, anyway. And I don't understand you. At all. I'm open for listening, if you'd like to explain. But because I always want to know the reasons behind things--I'm always asking "why?", I really would like to know why you did that. Maybe you meant nothing by it. Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this. But I just don't understand it. And I'd like to. I'd like to know what was running through your mind as you stared at me with a tragically sad, yet unreadable expression. I'd like to know what justified not saying anything and walking away, in your head; I'd like to hear your reasoning. And maybe, you could argue, it is best I do not know, I never find out. I'm probably demanding too much again, pushing you to talk when you aren't ready. Well, I'm not pushing you to talk this time. Only if you want to. This is just me ranting here. I don't have to know all of this, anyway. Maybe I am making a huge deal out of nothing. But to me, this is important. So I'll just leave it at that. ---------------------------------------------- Wow I wrote way more than I meant to. Just a rant. The stuff in parentheses about the saying "You wouldn't understand" being a cop-out was not directed to one person, in case you were wondering. That is all. dreaming aloud at 1:50 AM
08 November 2003"The First Cut is the Deepest." So true.dreaming aloud at 2:33 PM
Is it better to regret something you did than something you did not do? ... ... ... ...Yeah, I guess it is. Hm. dreaming aloud at 2:22 PM
Craving one of Mel's strawberry milkshakes. Wow that would taste really good right now. Have a song stuck in my head. "Right Here Waiting." Sigh. Such a beautiful song. :) Good thoughts, good thoughts. :) Hm. Don't want to work on this essay. Maybe I won't go to college...haha jk. Yeah right. Such a hassle though. I'm so tired from volunteering today. Dunno why. Oh wait. Maybe cuz I stayed up til 1 last night, watching "Agent Cody Banks" with my bro. Hehe it was pretty good. I like Hilary Duff. And Frankie Muniz wasn't bad either. Spent yesterday afternoon hanging out with my family, playing mah jong. That was super fun. I won!! Haha. My dad lost, teehee. Oh wells. (We played with the plastic chips to keep score; it's a lot more fun that way.) Thanks, Amaris, for listening to me reminisce. Happy times. :) Good memories. Just hope I can filter out all the bad...anyway, I still think the #3 thing is cute! ;) <--I hope you get what I'm talking about...I'm sure you'll figure it out... Maybe I'll go back to writing letters and notes and things. And the phone is good too. Maybe I'll never have to use AIM again. At least this year. I'm so sleepy...I want to crawl back in bed...or go shopping...don't want to work on these essays!! Just waiting for the clock to turn to 3...maybe something's on TV? I've been feeling so tired lately. So extremely tired. Don't want to do anything at all, just sit. Except then I get bored. I dunno what I want. I don't want to talk to people, but I don't want to be alone either. I don't want to do homework, but I don't want to just sit. I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to stay awake. I blame the weather. Although maybe it's not the weather. I dunno what it is. Feeling restless, I guess. Need a change. dreaming aloud at 1:55 PM
Note to self: Call Drew to change tutor session to 3:00 on Thursday (so I can make it to Di's basketball game)!!! dreaming aloud at 1:31 PM
06 November 2003I love sweatpants. And thermal shirts. And zip-up hoodies. They're so comfy and snuggly and cozy and warm...whenever I wear them, I feel like I'm in bed all day. *blissful sigh*dreaming aloud at 10:14 PM
Ooh boy. Was on a high for a while, off in my own world, and...came crashing back into reality. And it sucks. I still can't believe it. I can't accept it. I mean, I do accept it, and I do believe it, but...not truly. Not in my heart. Also I can't seem to let go of another thing. Dumb, foolish heart. It confuses itself. Or maybe it confuses my mind. I'm not sure. Maybe both. I must make more of an effort not to be so self-absorbed. I know I should spend more time with Dad...sigh. I don't think about him enough. Or the rest of my family, for that matter. Wow I'm so self-centered. Everything is always about me, me, me. What I want, what I feel like doing, what will fit into my schedule, etc. Ugh, I disgust myself. Seriously, right now I just am so sick of myself. I'm tired of me. I hate it. I know I was made this way for a purpose, but...argh. If I were other people, I don't know how I'd stand me as a friend. But thanks to those of you who do put up with me. It means a lot to me. I want to watch a movie, and have a good cry. But I probably shouldn't, because it's already 10. There I go again with the "I want to..." jazz again. In other news...I'm going to New York for sure! Hopefully I can help pay for it. And Alfred and Chris are going too! Wonder who else is going. Oh yeah, Theresa. And Alex, and hopefully Mo and Alandi and Bob. Kim's prolly going too. I can't believe I set the curve for the Govt midterm (in Parsons). How did that happen? When he said it in class, I seriously went into shock. Must have a good teacher (Chris). :) Thanks Chris. I still say, though, that if I didn't study with you, you wouldn't have studied that much. :) Want to watch Matrix Reloaded. Although I'm a bit scared to. Since the first one scared me. I'm just a scaredy-cat. Maybe I can watch with my dad. :) Wish I could go shopping. I'm going on Saturday though! With Steph, and hopefully Joyce too. Yay, so excited! Hm...what can I do on Tuesday with my dad? Maybe we can just bum around the house together...it'll still be relaxing... I feel awfully...small right now. Shrinking still. And...almost...evaporating...vanishing...gone. dreaming aloud at 10:11 PM
05 November 2003Bah. I had to use AIM today. To work on the Bill with Chris. Except I created a new screenname especially for this purpose, so it doesn't count. And I won't get re-addicted. I hate AIM. But...no tickling. That's definitely a bonus.dreaming aloud at 11:52 PM
I need to go to Bath and Body Works. Right now. I want lotion. Grr. Must remember to go when I go shopping with Rozita. dreaming aloud at 1:33 AM
Oh yes. Forgot one thing. Had a good talk with Liza today. Only for the extent of brunch (including the passing periods), but still. T'was nice. Hopefully everything worked out for her. Yes. Think that was the highlight of my day at school. That is all. Thanks Mike. :) dreaming aloud at 1:01 AM
"Love Actually" comes out this Friday!! AHHHH I want to see it!!! :) Still haven't seen "Matrix Reloaded" yet, so dunno if I wanna see "Matrix Revolution" yet. Maybe I'll wait til all three come out on DVD. dreaming aloud at 12:07 AM
04 November 2003Went to bed before 10 last night. Was falling asleep around 7:30 or so, tried to stay up, even tried talking on the phone...sorry if I completely bored you, Amaris. Was tired and in a weird mood. I still can't believe I went to bed that early. Crazy. But, in my defense, I only got two hours of sleep the night (morning?) before (stupid Tragic Notebook). And the whole past week, I have been getting five hours or less each night. But now it should be ok. Back to normal, hopefully.These past two days have been nice. No homework, except the Bill. Didn't work on it yesterday though, cuz me and Chris decided we didn't want to. So just relaxed in his room with him for a while. Today we worked though, sorta. Hehe. We tried. I hate headaches. So many things I should be doing now, but I don't want to. So many things I want to do, but don't have the energy to. Need an energy boost. Mom says it'll take about a week to recover from the lack of sleep. I think my headaches are partly cuz of lack of sleep. Darn you Chris though for making them worse (even though I know you didn't mean to). Sorry for hurting your nose. Mike is going to lend me the last two Shopaholic books!! I'm so excited. Well they're not HIS. Gosh I'd be scared if they were...they're his sister's. And I get to borrow their 35 mm camera for Photo class too. Are you sure it's ok if I borrow it for the whole year?? Cuz I can go buy one if I need to; my mom's cool with that. Going to New York in February!! YAY!! Excited. Was disappointed that I wasn't in Govt Honors and so wouldn't get to go on a class trip, but hey, guess I don't need to be in that class to go. Woohoo!! (haha that reminds me of Halloween...WOOOOOHOO!!! remember, Chris and Amaris? teehee) Hopefully Amaris, Chris, Alfred, Bob, and Mo can go too. Cuz it wouldn't be fun without you guys! I really need to work on College Apps. UGH. Can't wait to go shopping. I really need a pick-me-up. Like a ring or a necklace. Or shoes. Or something. Haha. Sigh. Shouldn't spend money...oh well. Too bad. Whatever. Want to watch a chick flick right now. Too tired though...prolly will fall asleep. Gotta do stuff online anyway. Wow this was a boring post. What was the point of writing it? Dunno. Eh. Blah. Just felt like it, I guess. I feel rather bland right now. dreaming aloud at 10:51 PM
02 November 2003Ok. Finally off to sleep. Still only about halfway done with my Tragic Notebook. Maybe a teensy bit more.Sigh. Lots of work still to be done tomorrow. Definitely no sleep tomorrow night. dreaming aloud at 4:31 AM
01 November 2003I love my brother. One day this week, he put a napkin with some candy corn on my bed while I was somewhere else in the house, and when I went back in my room, I found it there. :)Yesterday I wasn't home -- was at Chris' with Amaris and Jeff (except Jeff left early), and this is an entirely different blog post in itself -- but when I got home, my brother and mom were still at church, so it was just my dad, watching TV "late" at night, like he always used to. I went to my room and found two glowing necklaces attached together to make a big circle, sitting on my bed. He leaves these little surprises in my room sometimes. Things that he likes, so it means even more. It's so cute. My family always says how they're going to miss me next year when I go off to college, but really, I'm the one who's going to miss them. So incredibly much. I can't wait until Thanksgiving! We're breaking tradition (which I'm kind of disappointed about), but we're having a quiet celebration at home instead, just the four of us. Which will be nice. :) I know all of us are tired of getting together, the stress and hassle and whatnot. So I'm looking forward to spending the day with my family. My mom says it's because it's my last year here before I go off to college, and plus it's my birthday, but I know that the real reason is because she's tired of...in a way, faking it. Our two families seem so different. The way they think, the way we think...our perspectives on things are so different. It's a bit straining, I guess, when we all get together. I mean, it's fun, but...also hard. Lately more conflictions also. Cuz of my dad. And my grandma. And my aunt. And all that jazz. Anyway, my parents are going to make all my favorite foods the whole day, so my tummy will be very pleased. And I get to watch The Sound of Music!! ("I am sixteen, going on seventeen..." <-- Just for that reason. And because I like watching it with my family. Good memories.) Also The Parent Trap, hopefully. I like watching that with my family too. That movie has the best songs in it. :) And we'll prolly play mah jong and air hockey all day too (oh yeah, we got a new air hockey table, so my brother'll prolly set it up soon). Fun stuff. Looking forward to hanging out with my family that day at home. I know I haven't blogged in a while, but I just haven't felt the need to. Been talking with some people, and that always helps. Either that or journaling. Which I really need to do sometime soon. Anyway, I blog for me, so I'm sorry if the few people that read this have gotten bored lately when checking it. But thanks to those of you who comment, or just read. It means a lot to me, to know that people care. :) Or maybe you're just bored. Whatever. Haha. Either way, you read, and that's extremely cool. But. Back to my point. Don't feel the need to post about the last week or so that I haven't blogged. Too much to write, anyway. Couldn't even begin to touch upon all the things...not in the time constraints I'm under, anyway. Sorry if y'all get confused when reading. Hopefully you won't be though. This is just a place to jot down thoughts and things. So I guess it's not always supposed to make sense. It just helps me. And plus, it's fun. :) I love the new John Mayer cd! The lyrics are awesome, as is the music itself. He's such a great artist. I love art. Can't wait til I can actually learn to paint, hopefully in December. In Berkeley, with Rosa. Took SATs today. They were alrite. Then did English homework til dinner and youth group. Darn, don't get to play. Even after Midterms and my very last SAT!!! Sigh. Usually after SATs, I treat myself to a good chick flick. But today I didn't get that luxury. Nope, just work. Youth group was good though. Got to talk to Joyce afterwards, which made my day. And then Bert, on the way home. :) You guys rock my socks!! :) Sometimes I have out-of-body experiences...actually a lot of times. Times when I feel I'm walking around, but like I'm invisible, like I'm not really there, just watching, just seeing, from someone else's point of view, not mine. And it's not exactly like I feel left out or unloved or anything...I just don't feel a part of what's going on around me. I was talking to Amaris about this on Thursday, during our long brunch. She mentioned how it's kind of like being Scrooge, in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, when he's with the Spirit and everyone is unaware of them as they are watching life pass them by. We just sat in the walkway, along the wall, and observed. You can tell a lot about people if you only look closely, really see them for who they are, or at least, a part of their core being. Anyway, so yes, I was having one of those moments today at youth group. I couldn't for the life of me reach out to people...only stand or sit there pathetically on mute, just watching, just listening, but not really there. I know I shouldn't be so self-absorbed...I know I shouldn't mope (although today I wasn't moping)...but sometimes I just don't know how to snap out of it. I don't know how to control those emotions, they just take over and consume me. But Joyce talked to me, and that just totally made my day. It's nice when people reach out to you when you feel so far away. I know it was just a small gesture, prolly done unknowingly, just, you know, making conversation, and Joyce is prolly thinking, wow Ian, you're such a dork. But I am. The littlest things mean the world to me. And talking to Bert on the car ride home was fun too. (It's amazing how many memories come to mind when you hear a particular song. Does music influence your mood, or does your mood influence the types of music you listen to?) I'm always amazed when people will try to talk to me, and keep up the conversation, even when I don't do much to help the conversation along. At least, I noticed that I don't really initiate things that much, like questions or things to talk about. I'll respond, but...I don't know how to reach out. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I'm so full of Ian that I can't get out of that mindset, so thick that I can't get past me, beyond me, to others. I know others have needs too, but I can't see them. Only my own, and I shouldn't dwell on them, shouldn't focus on only me. But ultimately, I am selfish. And besides, lately I've been realizing lots of things about me that aren't so pleasant. I'm not such a great person after all. In fact, I'm pretty horrible. And I'm disgusted with myself. But that's another blog post entirely as well. I've been thinking about my friends lately. Who are my friends, my real, true friends? Who do I call my friends, say are my friends, and of them, who really are? I don't like how we loosely use this term friends now. Because I think that friend is a special title, one not to be thrown around so casually. A friend is not just an acquaintance. A friend is something more. (The word "friend" is closely related to the words "love" and "peace." Just thought that was interesting.) Do you think maybe we call everyone we know our "friends" because we are so insecure and desperate for belonging, for acceptance, for love? Perhaps we just need to be more secure in ourselves, learn to love ourselves. Not in the vain way, but in the...um...other way? Can't think of the right words, but I know people beat themselves up too much. I know I do. And that's not to say that people who do that don't love themselves. But...I don't know what I'm trying to get at, just that I wish people would let themselves be themselves instead of being on guard all the time. And I know that makes you vulnerable. But I guess I prefer vulernability over the masks any day. Even though it means a higher risk of getting hurt. Vulnerability is a weakness, I know. But...it's more honest. If not to others, at least be honest to yourself. I think people would be so much happier if they would only be honest to themselves. Maybe they just don't allow themselves to be honest, maybe they're afraid. Of what they might find, who they might discover. What is there to be ashamed of? You are you, and I am me. If we become friends, then so be it. If not, that's ok too. But how can you be happy with trying to befriend people that you don't click with? How can you be happy when you can't be you around these people, because they like the person you tried to be and not the person you are? And then you complain that you aren't close to anyone, that you don't know anyone? Maybe it's you that you don't know. Maybe you need to find you first. But maybe friends will help you discover you. Why don't you let anyone see who you really are? Why don't you let yourself realize who you are? Why are you so ashamed to be you? Wow, huge digression and random streams of thought. Wasn't directed at anyone, but just everyone in general. The world, I guess. Anyway, the point of this was that I was thinking about who I'd keep in touch with, after high school and in college. I don't even know who's in our "group" anymore. I mean, we say we're all in the group, but in reality, if you look at it, we're a bunch of little groups. And maybe that's ok. Maybe we should stop pretending to all be friends, out of habit and comfortability, people to fall back on, people to eat lunch with so we don't have to eat alone. I think we were all so much closer in freshman year because we all had more in common then. But essentially, we're all very different people. And throughout high school, we've been changing, becoming more of who we are. And that makes us less compatible as a group. We rub against each other, we get on each other's nerves, we don't talk much, we're not happy. But we're too "nice" to mention anything, to say anything, to do anything. Too nice, or just copping out? We don't want to confront the fact that we've all changed, not in a bad way, but just changed. Not all of us are friends. But I guess everyone is close to a select few (or more than a few) people in the group, and they each in turn are also close to a different select few, and so we all hang out together so we can all talk with the ones we're friends with and so they can talk with the ones they're friends with. And that's ok too, as long as we don't keep calling each other friends when we know we're really not. Acquaintances, maybe. Well, more than acquaintance. I don't know the term for it. There should be a word. Maybe there is one, but my vocabulary is so bad that I don't know it. Maybe I'll make up one. Maybe later. I'm not saying that our group isn't friends with each other anymore. I'm just saying...actually I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I'm thinking, but can't put it into words. Anyway, this is just what I'm feeling right now. Alrite that's enough writing in here for tonight. Gotta get back to the English homework. Might be up for a while...but maybe not. Maybe I'll sleep soon and just do it tomorrow. Nah, I doubt it. Better get it done today. At least some of it. Last week was a week of no sleep. This weekend is going to be one of no sleep also. Hopefully this next week will be a week of some sleep. I'm not asking for a lot. Just some. Please let this be a sleeping week. dreaming aloud at 11:55 PM
I give up. At least, I want to give up. dreaming aloud at 2:09 PM
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