Faded Memories

23 October 2003

Ahh! Past 12! Must sleep!! Goodnight.

dreaming aloud at 12:04 AM

16 oz. Jamba Juice tomorrow (Thurs 23 Oct 2003)!! (ok, fine, TODAY)

One free with each dollar given to donate to local hospitals and children organizations. Yay! :)

dreaming aloud at 12:03 AM

22 October 2003

I'm rather proud of my black-and-white photograph of my hands, from photo class. Although I know it's not that great. But it's ok. I'm happy with it, because I developed it myself. We had to write a haiku describing the mood of the picture.

Remorse

melancholy sigh
heart swells to bursting, stuffed with
sadness deep inside

Just felt like posting, since I'm printing it out right now (it's due tomorrow).

I ended up sleeping at 2 last night. Darn concert report. But it's my fault. Thanks for talking with me though, Amaris. Helped me a lot.

Got to talk to her after school today too. Went out with Theresa and Christian to study physics. Lots of food. Then back to my place to study stat with Liza. I'm really glad I have classes with people like them. It's nice to get to know other people outside of my set "group" of friends, because sometimes you discover really great people, like these three. Although I suppose Christian's sorta in our group, hehe. But whatever. Anyway. I've gotten to know some people a lot better, and have become closer with them this year/over the summer. But I've also drifted from many people, because of lack of common interests/goals/etc. I guess. And some people you just click better with too. Funny how that is. You can know one person for five years and hardly know know him, and you can meet a person in less than a year and really get to know him (I won't use him/her because I don't like that. Dunno why. Just don't.).

I've noticed that I'm not as stressed out this year. I try not to be. I try to live each day one at a time, and make the most of every little thing, even if it's not on my "agenda." Whatever comes. School is still a priority, but it's taken a backseat to relationships, I think. Sadly enough, I'm always "too busy" for my family. Sigh. I really must stop this. Must spend more time with them. But anyway...I still have so many things I need to get done. And I do feel the pressure of college apps, SATs/ACTs, midterms, tests, projects, etc., but somehow...I feel as if I've gained more perspective, just a teensy tiny bit. I've learned to appreciate the beauty in certain details and small, everyday things, or even the non-everyday things. I've learned to slow down a bit, and take time to enjoy each day. I still spaz and stress and panic, but...it's all in good fun. I'd like to say that it's because of my dad's situation that taught me these things. I think it is. But I've also seen how I've NOT grown...how I stopped reading my Bible as much, how I don't pray as often anymore (when you'd think I would pray more), how I let certain relationships grow cold and distant. It's pretty immature, and maybe even selfish, of me, I think. So I guess I don't really have a point in writing all this. Just recording what I've learned, how I've grown as a person, and how I've grown more immature (grown in the opposite way, I guess you could say).

That is all.

Sleeping before 12 tonight!! I must.

dreaming aloud at 11:36 PM

21 October 2003

cannot find
tears so far away
unreachable, unattainable
buried somewhere deep inside

dreaming aloud at 9:37 PM

I'm getting bored. That's horrible.

And I'm jealous. Even more horrible. I can't believe I'm jealous. It's almost laughable.

Except it's not very funny. Or I'm just not in a laughing mood.

I'm hating myself right now.

dreaming aloud at 9:19 PM

20 October 2003

Gosh, I miss you so much. I don't even know which "you" I'm talking about here. There are so many "you"s. So many people I miss. I've become such a hermit, shrinking inside myself, hiding, crying, and I don't know why. I'm so self-centered. I disgust myself.

I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could get over my fear. I wish I could make things the way they used to be, unchanged. I wish I could make everything better, make everything bad go away, comfort you. I wish I could be a friend.

I have forgotten how.

There is so much stuffed deep inside of me that I don't know what to make of it, I don't know what it is. I can't seem to figure myself out. I feel foreign and strange. I can't seem to reach people.

But maybe that's ok. Maybe I'm better off being alone sometimes. Solitude is good. Floating, numb, there are no thoughts. Just existence. Maybe there are feelings. Actually, I know there are feelings. There are always feelings. But of what? I don't know.

I wish I knew.

dreaming aloud at 12:04 AM

14 October 2003

[ x ] spell your first name backward – nai. [ x ]
[ x ] the story behind your user name – I like fairies, and I'm little, and my fave number is 27. And it's also my bday. [ x ]
[ x ] where do you live – wc, cali. [ x ]
[ x ] 4 words that sum you up – shoulder to cry on. [ x ]
[ x ] wallet – OLD. From about the sixth grade. It's shiny purple and squishy. I need a new wallet, anyone want to buy one for me? :) [ x ]
[ x ] hairbrush – black square paddle brush. [ x ]
[ x ] toothbrush – clear with green rubber grips. [ x ]
[ x ] pillow cover – currently: flannel, cream scattered with little red paisley print. [ x ]
[ x ] blanket – silk quilt. comforting. warm. striped on one side, plaid on the other. [ x ]
[ x ] coffee cup – black and silver thermos, usually filled with tea or hot chocolate. [ x ]
[ x ] sunglasses – tortoise-shell brown-and-black. (the color, not actual tortoise shell.) [ x ]
[ x ] underwear – colorful. :) [ x ]
[ x ] favorite top – white cardigan. [ x ]
[ x ] cologne/perfume – Moonlight Path scented lotion. I wear more lotion than perfume. But I like Burberry Brit. :) And Christian Dior Addict. And any Gap scent. [ x ]
[ x ] CD in stereo right now - mix. [ x ]
[ x ] tattoos – NEVER. [ x ]
[ x ] piercings – I'm too scared... [ x ]
[ x ] what you are wearing now – PJ pants and a long-sleeved tee. [ x ]
[ x ] hair – straight, black with a hint of brown. currently in ponytail. [ x ]
[ x ] makeup – always chapstick. sometimes eyeshadow and eyeliner. [ x ]
[ x ] in my mouth – the taste of my lemon yogurt. [ x ]
[ x ] in my head – happy thoughts. [ x ]
[ x ] wishing – to design a clothing line with Rozita and open a boutique. [ x ]
[ x ] after this – sleep. Maybe. [ x ]
[ x ] talking to – Mike Lee. [ x ]
[ x ] eating – was eating lemon yogurt. [ x ]
[ x ] fetishes – I assume this means in terms of the opposite sex; I have things about lips (cannot be chapped), eyelashes, smile (must do so often), hands, and voice. Ok, that's a lot. But I couldn't narrow it down anymore. [ x ]
[ x ] if you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason – I could never physically murder anyone. Shudder. [ x ]
[ x ] person you wish you could see right now – Jeff. [ x ]
[ x ] is next to you – cell phone, The Oedipus Cycle, empty carton of yogurt and spoon. [ x ]
[ x ] something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month – developing my picture in photo. [ x ]
[ x ] the last thing you ate – yogurt. [ x ]
[ x ] something that you are deathly afraid of – needles. [ x ]
[ x ] do you like candles – yes. [ x ]
[ x ] do you like incense – no. [ x ]
[ x ] do you like the taste of blood – ick. [ x ]
[ x ] do you believe in love – yes. [ x ]
[ x ] do you believe in soul mates – hmm...don't think so...but not sure about the definite meaning... [ x ]
[ x ] do you believe in love at first sight – no. [ x ]
[ x ] do you believe in Heaven – yes. [ x ]
[ x ] do you believe in forgiveness – it exists; how can I believe in it? [ x ]
[ x ] do you believe in God – yes. [ x ]
[ x ] what do you want done with your body when you die – Don't know. Don't really care. I'm certainly not going to use it anymore. [ x ]
[ x ] who is your worst enemy – my emotions. [ x ]
[ x ] if you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – a brown and white bunny. [ x ]
[ x ] what is the latest you've ever stayed up – all night. [ x ]
[ x ] ever been to Belgium – no. [ x ]
[ x ] can you eat with chopsticks – not correctly (I learned the wrong way). [ x ]
[ x ] what's your favorite coin – quarter. [ x ]
[ x ] what are 5 states you wouldn't mind relocating to – I like California too much. [ x ]
[ x ] what's your favorite pig-out food – it changes with my mood. [ x ]
[ x ] what's something that you wish people would understand – the importance of relationships with parents. [ x ]
[ x ] what's something you wish you could understand better – why people are suicidal. It's so incredibly self-centered, and a slap in the face to everyone who cares about them. [ x ]
[ x ] anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time – Grace. [ x ]
[ x ] what's something you want to make happen for tomorrow – be in a good mood, like today. [ x ]

dreaming aloud at 12:23 AM

13 October 2003

Oh yes. And I had dinner with my family tonight, and it was fun. We laughed a lot.

And while studying for Physics, I was listening to music that was turned up really loud. Dancing and singing along is fun. :)

dreaming aloud at 11:50 PM

I am eating lemon burst yogurt. YUM. And earlier I had a Ferrero Rocher chocolate. AND today I had English tea. With milk. I've never had it before, and it was delicious. That was at Jeff's house. His mom is so sweet. :) As we were eating our warm crossaints with strawberry jam and sipping our tea, I felt a world away from the one I'm in. It was lovely. :) And Jeff is so cute. With his fake British accent. Teehee. :) And my tummy is so happy right now. But now I am done with my yogurt, and I want more. Maybe I'll go get another carton.

dreaming aloud at 11:40 PM

Today was a good day. :)

I don't have the words to elaborate right now, but I'm just happy. So yep. I'll write more about today later, like tomorrow.

At random times, I'll find myself smiling. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to stop. It just makes me smile even wider, almost laughing to myself. I'm sure people think I'm crazy. Oh well. :)

dreaming aloud at 11:35 PM

12 October 2003

Writing my college apps essay brings back a flood of memories. I remember my favorite headband, crinkly (rouched?) pink satin adorned with a floppy bow, the one my dad picked out and brought home for me when he went on a business trip. I insisted on wearing it almost as often as I insisted on dressing up.

I wish I still had that headband. Don't know what happened to it.

dreaming aloud at 11:23 PM

Why is my layout picture not showing up?? Grr.

dreaming aloud at 7:38 PM

Yesterday was a lot of fun, despite the SAT II's. Hm. Actually, they weren't horrible...but I don't want to make any assumptions, because last time, I thought they were easy and I thought I did well...but I didn't. Anyway. After SATs, Jeff and I called Anton for a ride, so we could go eat with him, Moki, Amaris, and Rosa. Anton had to stop by his mom's office (?), so Jeff and I walked around a bit. We were going to go to Trader Joe's to pick up something to drink, but decided to see if we could sneak into his old apartment complex instead. The gates were unlocked, so we just walked right in. I got a peek into his childhood life as he told me stories while walking around. Oh, and I have to mention that I saw the cutest duck by one of the ponds (or whatever those were)! It was white and speckled with brown flecks. Reminded me of Hedwig, Harry Potter's owl. :) I've never seen a white duck before...but now I have!

Reminiscing is fun. Being with others as they reminisce is almost as fun. Sometimes more. :)

When Anton came, we took FOREVER getting to Pho, the Vietnamese restaurant we were supposed to meet the others at. They called us a bajillion times, asking us where we were and if we were almost there yet. Haha. Sorry guys. Finally we arrived and ordered...YUM. Darn bee and flies though. Kept trying to eat our food. Haha but then Jeff blew the bee into his own bowl of soup!! Ew. Rosa took some pics with her digi cam...check them out at her blurty. Then we decided to go to the mall -- Amaris wanted to get wallet photo inserts, and Rosa needed a keychain? But ended up getting second piercings instead. :) Love the spontaneity. I wanted to buy things, but resisted because I cannot spend any more money this month. Sigh. But we got Boba! So that was yummy. :) Hanging out with you guys is so relaxing. Wish we could do it more often...but we ARE seniors now, so we should!! Cuz we can...after college apps are over. :) Then it's PLAY ALL DAY time!! :) Can't wait.

When I got home, I was kinda tired from waking up early and testing and all that, so I just bummed around the house for a bit, trying to decide what to do with the 3 hours or so left before YG. I didn't feel like doing any homework or anything relatively productive, so I sat myself down to watch You've Got Mail. But then my parents decided that our family was going to go out to dinner, so I had to stop. :( But I got to drive, so s'all good. :)

YG was fun. I was a bit restless during the message though, and I feel bad that I had a hard time concentrating. Plus, my "big feet" were distracting Alfred-the-bubble-butt. Hmph, you with your big hands! Haha. Jk, jk. Hanging out afterwards was fun too. Oh yeah Bert came!!! So after ages of not talking to him, finally got to see him again. And he borrowed three chick flicks when he dropped me off (teehee)! :) I think I need a guy who likes watching chick flicks...there seems to be a limited number of those kinds of guys, though...I can't take scary movies. Aah! Daewu told me a freaky story last night, and it creeped me out. But then I went home and watched the rest of You've Got Mail, so it put that thought out of my head. Fell asleep watching, though, so I finished today, after lunch. Such a good movie. :)

We actually got to church on time this morning! I feel very proud. :)

Today has been a blur, but a semi-productive one. Did things like eat a High-Tech Burrito (yum), eat cookie dough ice cream (double yum), watched the rest of You've Got Mail, read the physics chapter (gasp!), did my laundry (still have to fold), started some English homework (still doing it), and...got distracted, because I'm on the computer. Haha. At least I'm not online. How long has it been? About two weeks? Anyway, that is why I've been posting such long posts lately. Because blogging and blog-browsing is all I can do on the computer now!! Haha. At least friends-wise, to catch up and chat and all that jazz. Love the comment system. :)

I should get back to work. Sigh. More tomorrow (or later, if I get bored--which is most likely).

Alias is on tonight!! :)

dreaming aloud at 7:37 PM

10 October 2003

Today was simply a lovely day.

...well, now that I think about it, there were a few parts I wish I didn't have to go through...but overall it was wonderful.

It's weird not saying goodnight on the phone to you, guh.

dreaming aloud at 10:38 PM

07 October 2003

Perhaps I should go brush my teeth and put my retainers in now. That's the only way I'll stop this munching habit of mine. Should get rid of eating-late-at-night habit. So unhealthy. Sigh. I bet in college I gain so much weight from that habit, because I know I'll already gain at least the freshman fifteen. Maybe mine will be more like freshman fifty, haha. NO. Must kick habit now. So I don't gain that much. Because that's just gross.

Ok, going to put retainers in.

dreaming aloud at 10:22 PM

I must learn my limits, and learn self-control. I just ate way too much cookie dough ice cream. My tummy hurts now. It hurts so much that I can't concentrate on my homework (revising my essay and studying for SAT IIs). But it's ok. I enjoyed reading Pride, Prejudice, and Jasmin Field while eating (actually the main reason I ate so much, because I like eating while I read. And I like the feeling that I'm doing two things at once. Makes me feel productive. Even though I'm really...not, I guess.). I love this book. Read during Physics too. :) Love the British slang and spelling of words, like "favourite", and saying "jumper" instead of sweater. Reminds me of Ron and Harry Potter and all that jazz. Love this author's writing style, too. :) Witty and honest.

I guess I should go work on my essay some more now. But I really don't feel like writing about my topic anymore. I can't think of anything to write. I want to revise it, but I'm super picky and hard on myself. (Darn perfectionist in me.)

I want green eyeliner.

And silvery-white eyeshadow.

Oh, we voted for Homecoming Court today. Wonder who'll be nominated.

Advisory is slow. I don't understand what its purpose is. I guess it's good, because it gives us a break from classes. Plus we get food once a month. Yum. :) And comfy chairs! And we get to read still...so I don't mind so much. I love SSR. (Yes, I'm THAT much of a dork.) I love spending twenty minutes in a world completely away from my own. I love getting lost in someone else's life and thoughts. I love being entertained simply by words on pages, with beautiful covers. (I judge books by their covers. Always.) Sigh. Blessed SSR, as Mr Gishe would say. Aw, I miss Mr Gishe and my calc class last year...I miss the seniors. It's weird because, in all honesty, I haven't thought about them much. I guess it's really easy for me to lose touch with people I don't see every day. Not to say they aren't in my heart. But I just don't make the effort, I guess, to talk to them more often. But they're busy with their college lives, and I'm busy with my high school one. It's easier to just keep to your own friends, the ones easily accessible, the ones you see often, be it at school or church or what have you. But anyway. Yes, I miss the seniors. I miss being able to look up to them at school, because now we're the seniors, with no one to look up to. No one to make you feel special, that a big senior is talking to you. No one to hope that maybe he'll ask you to prom/ball, and no one to ask to our own ball. (Not that there's anything wrong with the guys in our grade. It's just that it seems like more girls want to ask older guys. Not me though. Speaking strictly for them.) But I'll see most of the seniors (that I talk to, anyway) in less than two weeks, for Eddie and Cindy's wedding! :)

Gosh, is it only Tuesday? Actually, nevermind, I thought it was Monday this afternoon, hehe. But hm. Wow it's only Tuesday.

I'm going to Ygnacio Valley Library tomorrow after school to study/do homework. Anyone care to join me? :)

dreaming aloud at 10:13 PM

06 October 2003

I forgot to write that I gave my mom the necklace on her birthday, and she loved it. :) Plus the card I wrote her, too. It made her cry. (Didn't mean to do that!! But it was a good kind of cry, so it's ok.) We went out for dinner at Massimo, and it was pretty good, despite the slo-o-ow service and the limited menu. And vanilla bean crème brûlée for dessert!! YUM. Sigh...my tummy was so happy. It misses that special treatment. Hang on tummy...will feed you yummy stuff on my birthday (which happens to fall on Thanksgiving this year, just like the year I was born)!

Hm. I'm chain-posting again, aren't I. It's just that this Govt book is SO EXTREMELY boring. I'm not getting much done.

dreaming aloud at 8:18 PM

Hi Joyce...*waves* Cherries! :) Teehee Joyce has a cute wave. Alfred has a funny wave. :) Well, it cracks ME up.

Thanks so much for the CDs, Mike. They help sooo much. Hm, I think that is also why I've been in such a good mood today. Music in the morning helps set your mood for the day...I was humming to myself as I walked to school, in the hallways, walking home from Chris' house, and just everywhere I went. Seem to be doing that a lot lately. But yes. I think that if I read my Bible in the morning, it would have a bigger effect on my day than just a song. I really need to buy a devotional book. Then I'll work on getting up earlier. But I got to school on time today! Hot chocolate in the morning is a life saver too, if you don't have time for breakfast. Whoever invented Thermoses is the best. :)

dreaming aloud at 7:42 PM

Oh yeah, I remember something else worth noting today. When I was at Chris' house, I mentioned to him that I wished I was more interested in government and politics (mainly so I can read the book without falling asleep or getting lost, and follow with current affairs and such). But he said, "I don't, because then you wouldn't be you anymore." :) Chris is very sweet. :)

dreaming aloud at 7:35 PM

I had a good day today. Wasn't expecting it, so maybe that's why it was so great. Nothing hugely in particular, just lots of small things. Very mellow day academic-wise, didn't do much in classes today. Edited college essays in English...so I got to talk to Kel. That was cool, but I'm still frustrated about my essay. Can't get it to say what I want to say, and flow, and sound like me, and all that. It really does not say much. I need to be more specific when I write, not be all abstract and descriptive-y. Too much fluff. No substance. Sigh. But anyway. During lunch, Smee had two double fudge chocolate chip cookies, and she gave me and Rozita each a piece...big mistake. After we tasted it, we both suddenly had huge cravings for chocolate chip cookies. But Jeff came by, and he had two little mini-Snickers, so he gave us each one. :) But then Nikhil had to walk by with his two chocolate chip cookies, so that was almost torture for Kun and me. Aah! But Jeff bought us a chocolate chip cookie, and we split it...hm, somehow Smee got more cookie than us...hahahahaha. Oh well. Thanks Jeff!! :) So sweet. Let's see...what else...all we did in Govt was talk with our partner about our bill...so I just chilled with Chris. We already knew what we're doing, so didn't need to discuss much. So that was relaxing. After school, I bummed a ride off Jeff (well, his mom actually) to get to Chris'. Chris was watching Star Trek, so we watched that for a lil. Then he made me mac n cheese cuz I was hungry, but not really hungry, I just had a craving for cheese. He ended up eating most of it while I fell asleep on the couch. When I fell asleep, he put a blanket over me. :) It's times like these when I feel bad for being mean to him...except I'm only mean to him when he's mean to me, haha. I think I slept for about half an hour (?), and then we worked on our Govt bill...except I didn't really do anything. He just typed it up, and we were good. Chatted for a bit, listened to cool music, and Chris showed me something online that was really cool. What was it called again? IMX? Some super small computer thingy. Very cute. :) Make an Elmo one!! :) I'll help you save money for it. Hm. I should save my money up for something big...like a digital camera or something...except...do I really want a digi cam? Hm. What I really want is a car. But it's not practical to get, since I don't drive to that many places. So I'll just share with my mom. This is a fat blurb and I didn't feel like being neat and organized and separate this into littler paragraphs. So whatever. Oh yeah! And my mom got Cookie Dough ice cream!! It's on sale at Safeway for $3!!!!! Dreyer's, my fave. :) YUM. So I had some when I got home. I like the walks home from Chris' (or from Jeff's or from Arbo). They're such nice thinking times, and you get fresh air and exercise. The time always passes by so quickly, and before I know it, I'm on Northgate Road, about to cross the street to my house. Sigh. I need to take more walks. They help so much. Must do it in daylight though...night time outside by yourself is a bit scary. The sky is pretty right now. Everything is black against the faded blue and aburn, so you can see the silhouettes of trees and bushes. The cool air is nice too. Wish I could lay outside and watch the stars come out...but I have homework. Not too much today, I think. Well I never have THAT much, but somehow I don't get it done until at least 12. Hehe. Back to reading chapter 6 for Govt...then SAT II studying...then...hm. Maybe work on my essay a bit. And laundry. Yep. Fairly relaxed, mellow day. I love the slow pace. Wish every day could be like this. Non-stressful. Such bliss.

dreaming aloud at 7:09 PM

I forgot to add that...I got a Pauls hug today! :) Actually two. And three yesterday! :)

dreaming aloud at 1:50 AM

I feel crummy.

dreaming aloud at 1:39 AM

Oh yeah! And Mike gave me the new John Mayer cd today (he bought it for me!! super sweet of him :) ), plus a mix of the CUTEST songs EVER. I love all those "oldies." :) Gonna listen to 'em later. They always put me in a good mood.

Alrite, back to the lab.

dreaming aloud at 12:03 AM

05 October 2003

I am on the phone with Christian as I type this. We are doing our Physics lab. Leave it to us to procrastinate until now. I started mine at 9. It is now 11:51. Hm. Wonder when we can finish. On conclusion now. But I realized I haven't blogged today. So I thought I'd jot a few thoughts down.

Went to Barnes and Noble with Joyce and Mike today. Got some SAT II studying done (I took a practice test for Math 1C, and according to my results, I would have gotten a 670! Yikes. Not good. This is pathetic, I forget all the math I've learned. I'm used to calculus now, so I can't do any of this stuff anymore! Especially geometry. Ick.), and Joyce did Spanish and Chem hwk (and studied for ACTs too, wow she got so much done!), and Mike read his Bible and listened to music. Haha we were watching music videos on his PDA (haha PDA!!). And then we went shopping for dress clothes for Mike. After much deliberation and trying on shirts, Joyce and I picked out a navy blue shirt and a striped tie to match (actually we picked out the tie first, and then a shirt to match haha). Then the dress section. No good dresses though. Oh well, I suppose that's better, because I'm not supposed to be spending money this month. Already spent my month's allowance yesterday. Hehe. Although I don't know if I'm paying for those clothes, because I convinced my mom that I need them. And I do! It's not just an excuse! Anyway. Yes. Need to keep away from stores, or else I'll spend even more money. But it's not good, cuz I've been shopping online...darn it. Oh well.

Worked on my essay today too. Darn the word count limitation. I hate limits. I can never squeeze what I want to say into those confinements. I wish we at least had 1000 words. But no. Only 600. With about a 5 word range. 5 words!! That's nothing. Sigh.

I suppose I should go back to my conclusion of my lab now. Fare thee well.

dreaming aloud at 11:59 PM

03 October 2003

Oh-so-very tired. Fell asleep again after school, when I got home. Just meant to rest my eyes and body for a moment, was conscious of being half-awake...and then fell asleep. For about an hour.

But I was in a semi-writing mood tonight, and got some of my essay done, ...but it is going nowhere. There is no point to it. It is frustrating me to pieces because I don't know what I want to say in it. It has no focus, no direction.

In other news, after school I went to Jamba Juice with some of my band-nerd friends. (Darn them, they're all at the football game right now, and I'm stuck at home--not that I want to be at the game--by myself. Doing homework. Well, some, anyway.) I got the new lipgloss! Blueberry Kiss. :) It smells so incredibly good.

I am disappointed in myself. I love art, but have no talent in creating it. All I have is my admiration. Cannot find the words to convey what I am feeling, what I am thinking. Cannot design clothing. Cannot paint, draw, photograph...cannot create music--cannot play notes clearly and fluidly. What use is having this (semi-) passion? Longing is all I feel. I wish I could do this, I wish I could do that. My expectations are too high. I want to do everything, and I want to do everything well.

The perfectionist part of me speaks again. I feel inadequate.

Dejected and lonely. Though surrounded by so many loving friends...what I really want is someone to love me, to adore me, to make me feel as if I am the most special person in his eyes. I want to be needed, I want to love, I want to fall in love. The little things just don't cut it today. I don't understand. I know I am loved. So why do I feel this way? So unsatisfied, so selfish. I want everything, every bit of your attention, your praise, your heart. My need is bigger than the stars, and you are down here on the earth, so quiet I can hardly hear you. (paraphrased from Bee in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants) If you could just let me know you're out there somewhere...waiting for me, loving me...but I know it doesn't work like that. It's not that easy. And it shouldn't be. Love would have no meaning then. I just wish I could meet you now, to look into your eyes and to hear your voice, to see that you're really real, that you're really there, solid and warm and alive. Familiar, someday.

Alas, I must wait.

dreaming aloud at 10:10 PM

01 October 2003

I slept at 12:15 last night!!

I'm proud. :)

Grr to all of you who were making fun of my purple teddy bear today. Joanne gave me the bear for my birthday last year, so it's special to me. I still must think of a name for him. Maybe Timothy. Or Toby? He doesn't look much like either, though, does he?

I miss you, sweetie.

But that's ok, cuz I'm going to Chris' house tomorrow after school to work on our Government bill, so I get to walk home with you. :)

(Hm, you're probably not reading this right now, but that's ok too.)

The Bachelor is on tonight! I'll probably end up taping it, though. Should start being a better, more diligent student.

I got the Anthropologie catalog in the mail today. I spent about half an hour poring through the pages (and even longer on their site online, a few days ago). I would love to design clothes, accessories, advertisements, etc. for that kind of store. But would I really make it in the real world, doing that? I love the whimsical designs of everything in that store; the intricate details of every piece of clothing, of every product, the beauty of it all. Sigh. I don't think I'm at all creative enough, though. Does anyone know how to even get into this kind of field? What would you study in school? What would you major in? I guess I'm leaning towards physical therapy still, or even psychology. But...somehow I don't know if I could do that for the rest of my life. I mean, I love working with people, and helping them, but the dreamer side of me still needs to have fun with material things, with art. Clothing and all accessories that go with them give me such a rush; looking at them in stores, examining every detail, the materials used, how they were made...it's sad that they give me such exhiliration and delight. Not even buying them, just admiring. Wishing it was my creative mind that came up with the idea, wishing it were my hands that made the product. I think that these things are, in fact, art. I also love the fact that upon seeing these things, feeling the materials, smelling certain scents, a string of memories follow, attached to each item. At least, for me, these memories follow. Maybe not for everyone. And I love the fact that if you're wearing an outfit you really like, it immediately boosts your mood for the day. You feel great about yourself. Little things like these are things we need more of in this dreary, bustling world. Everday things, routines, schedules, quickly become mundane. But there are always little things like clothes and art to add a bit of cheerfulness to your day. Something to make every day different, more interesting.

Wow. I think I like clothes just a bit too much.

But it would still be wonderful to work in that field. Sigh. If only.

(Perhaps I should talk to Ingrid?)

Darn it. I can't decide on a major, a career, a future. There are too many things I want to do in this life here on earth. Too many interests. I don't know if I have enough time to do them all. So which of them take priority?? I wish I could figure it out.

I feel rather indecisive right about now.

[So what else is new. Sigh.]

Physical therapy and psychology, interesting as they may be, seem rather boring now. Compared to clothing design/production/advertisement. I know I would look forward to work every day, and love what I do, if I did the latter. But would I get sucked too much into the corrupt, materialistic world if I did this every day? Would I be disgusted with the financial/economical side of it? Would I myself become corrupt? This is why I did not want to go into marketing. My mom told me that she could see me getting frustrated with the types of people in that field. All they care about is money. They don't care about how they get it. Manipulate people, lie to people, stretch the truth just a bit to get your product sold. Does it really have to be this way? And even if I didn't do any of those things, Mom said I'd probably be disappointed, because everyone else would be taking the easy way out, getting ahead while being corrupt. And if I stick to my principles, I would get left behind in the dust, lost and forgotten. Will principles, morality, integrity, ever get you anywhere? I certainly hope so. I hope that not everyone is like this--selfish and corrupt, only looking out for the good of themselves. But humans ARE selfish. They are. So...can people change? Can people at least strive to not be like that anymore? I know we'll never get there, not all the way. At least not on this earth. But if everyone tries...then I'd be more comfortable working with people in the marketing world. I just have a feeling that if I did physical therapy, I'd work with people who care more about others than if I were to work in business. But...if I design, then will I have to deal with all that corruptness junk? Maybe everyone will just leave me be in my own little world, dreaming and designing away, and they can do what they want with the things I come up with. (Although being the picky person I am, I'd probably want a say in what they do with my designs. It's important for dreams and ideas to be carried out just as they were intended to be.)

Aagh. I wish someone could just tell me what to do (having my best interests in mind, of course). What is right? What will suit me best? I really want a job that I will love doing, that I will look forward to doing every day, something that won't drain me, but rather, would give me joy in doing.

This shpiel was longer than intended. I really only meant to write that I slept early last night. (Early for me, anyway. Kelly told me she was in bed at 8:30 last night and slept at 9:00, and I was shocked. Apparently she had a Calc test today.) But I guess all these thoughts were floating around in my head and just came pouring out, ordering my fingers to type and record them into words on this screen.

And now I really must get started on my homework. And maybe research more colleges, to find a right major for me. (That's really concerning me right now. I will feel a lot more settled once I have a direction I'm heading in--I already know what types of classes I'm interested in taking, so that is a general direction, but I need a more specific direction. A goal to work towards. Maybe I'm too goal-oriented, I don't know. But I know I need small goals to work towards, to motivate me, to organize myself.) I think I'll go talk to Mom now, about majors. (Again.)

dreaming aloud at 5:52 PM