30 April 2003I got to catch up with Lauren a bit yesterday. That made my [crappy] day [so much better]. :)I love English and our "work days." Argh. Summer plans...can't decide what to do. Which dance class(es) to take in summer, and which to take in the school year? Which DVC class to take? Apply for internship? How do I even fill out the forms?! Tutor over summer? Plus I still have to study for SATs. Probably IIs. Ugh. And I must go college-visiting, with my family. And other family and friends stuff...aiya I'm so bad at making decisions. Gotta go do s'more makeup work for Chinese School...and maybe Calc hwk...argh I don't get that stuff. How am I gonna take the AP next Thursday?!?! And I still hafta fill out those forms for the internship...yuckie yuckie yuckie. And here I am, wasting time online. Ok, back to work. dreaming aloud at 9:42 PM
28 April 2003I can never say no. I hate myself (for that).Now, perhaps it is too late. To speak up, to say something, to reveal my true feelings. So now I must suffer quietly inside, suffer in silence always, and forever hold my peace. dreaming aloud at 11:05 PM
 Tinkerbell Which Disney Chick Are You? brought to you by Quizilla How ironic. Haha. :) Gotta love the Tinkerbell. Ooh, I got Tinkerbell stuff in Disneyland!! I must show someone, just to show it off. Haha. :) dreaming aloud at 10:15 PM
26 April 2003If this week had a theme, the single word to sum up its entirety would be vanilla. This week has been very vanilla. Maybe even French vanilla. Smooth, creamy, comforting, relaxing. Slips right down your throat, like this week has slipped by, sand sifting through my fingers, soft folds of silk brushing against my fingertips. I think maybe I've become even more sentimental during this time, if that's even remotely possible. Looking at old pictures, remembering...flipping through the pages of old books, savoring the smallest momentos that remind me of good times with special ones, becoming misty-eyed and laughing aloud while watching old television shows, such as Three's A Crowd. I miss The Brady Bunch. Crying and conversing with loving parents, revealing some of my pent-up frustration, talking with old friends, taking pictures, watching movies. Spending a lot of time with family. I miss the days we went camping.I have some unloaded burdens that I need to let go of...but I don't know how to give it all to Him...how can I just forget about them, toss them into the sea without a second thought? Webshots are so fun to browse through...I found so many pictures I wish I'd taken...I wish I was there to actually see for myself these beautiful sights. I came across one a long time ago, of a beach. The beach is peaceful and undisturbed, the sky is beautiful, and the sand is perfect...except one thing. There is a huge heart drawn in the wet sand. Apparently some creative romantic was so full of love that he could not help but express his feelings, declaring them boldly to anyone who strolled by. The ocean waves are rolling in, threatening to erase this act of love in one smooth motion. Are these waves bitter, I wonder? So full of salty tears, unshed. Perhaps they do not wish to see other lovers meeting and walking together along their sands in their misery. I suppose I should write in my real journal...and my countless notebooks given me by friends...but I can't bear to mar them with my unsightly scribbles and scrawls. Although repressing emotions is never good. The truth is hard to swallow. Funny, I never thought of myself as the self-centered, too-prideful-to-ask-for-help-or-apologize type. Norah Jones' music is comforting and relaxing. Makes one nostalgic, for the past...am I holding onto the past? It's at times like these when I wish I could paint. Or perhaps write a poem or two. dreaming aloud at 12:21 PM
25 April 2003It is when people start asking you, "Are you ok?" when you know that you're not ok...I had a long talk with my mom last night...it's weird how she almost knows me better than my friends do...or maybe even me... I'm so confused right now...maybe now isn't the time to be blogging... dreaming aloud at 2:53 PM
22 April 2003oh yeah, i just remembered...on the drive home from crashing that campo dance, i saw orlando court!!! (was it a court? i forget...orlando something) and that totally made my day. as if my night needed to get any better. haha that was so fun...dancing with kevin, steph, and vivian was awesome. i miss dances. i wish there were more of those...i wish i was a senior, so i could go to ball! haha. alrite i'm starting to ramble, so gnite. woohoo for spring break...can't wait to take pics with jiglet tmrw! :)dreaming aloud at 10:59 PM
 you are a romance novel what type of book are you? brought to you by Quizilla dreaming aloud at 1:55 PM
19 April 2003...can I trust you?*please, let the answer be yes...* dreaming aloud at 12:49 AM
17 April 2003please work, please work, please work...dreaming aloud at 6:45 PM
13 April 2003I forgot who asked me for a prom pic...so remind me again, k? Thanks guys. (aaah! must make copies...argh.)dreaming aloud at 3:32 PM
things to do before the week is over: -study for Spanish test -read Chem book -Chem problem set -Eng/Hist research paper -rough draft -self/peer edit -final draft -read Psych book -Psych problem set -4 Calculus problem sets -make copies of prom pics to hand out -develop Disneyland pics -prayer letter dreaming aloud at 3:22 PM
08 April 2003Oh, one more thing. We have "babies" in Psychology for a week (i.e. a ten-pound-bag of flour). I named mine Matthew Theodore Vartan, and my imaginary husband's name is Nathaniel Scott Vartan. Are those not the cutest names ever? I hope my real future husband's name is Nathaniel Scott, or Matthew Theodore. Or maybe I can name my little boy one of those. And I plan to name my daughter Aurora (nickname: Rory). :) Or Emma Taylor. But I think Hana might name her daughter that first. Yes, I realize it is a bit early to be thinking of such things. But still. I like thinking up baby names. Or any names. Just not last names.*a dream is a wish your heart makes, when it's fast asleep...* dreaming aloud at 9:30 PM
I wonder what dreams mean? One in particular is haunting my thoughts, hovering over my mind like a delicate, full-to-bursting raincloud, ready to burst at any sudden move or touch. Do dreams even have any correlation to our lives? I wonder what this one means. I wonder if it is trying to tell me something. I wonder if my jumbled-up thoughts and confused emotions are trying to explain themselves to me through images. (Psychology didn't help me understand dreams at all!) Thanks to a special person for letting me vent today. That really helped. :) It was almost back to normal again. Between us. I mean, it was almost like old times. Laughing, joking around, talking as if we did every day. Which we don't. Not anymore. I miss it. I really do. But...I can't be the only one missing it. For it to work, I mean. So what to do? Have I waited too long? I could kick myself. I needed that break, that separation. But I didn't mean to erase you out of my life from now until forever. And now, I'm sorry. Because I miss you. dreaming aloud at 9:17 PM
I realize I haven't posted in almost two weeks. My poor, abandoned journal. I know I have neglected you for quite some time now. (My actual journal as well.) I have been too caught up in the whirlwind of busyness to write anything meaningful at all. Sometimes I wonder if I will one day break from stretching myself so thin. Some days I think I can't live one day more...and somehow God pulls me through. Sometimes I wish He wouldn't though, so I can just go to heaven now. I'm tired of living in this world. As fun as it's been, it's so exhausting. I am physically drained from sleep deprivation, emotionally exhausted from unresolved problems and broken friendships, and mentally tired from the overload of schoolwork. And above all of that are the constant struggles I face every day. I know that probably everyone goes through the same things that I do. I know it's selfish of me to think that my problems are bigger than everyone else's, that they are more important and more devastating and more impacting. But they are very real to me. Is it ok to be selfish about this? I don't know...I just don't know anymore... I can't make decisions. But anyway. Since I haven't been writing much lately, I've been getting more interested in taking pictures. I think I'm becoming slightly less camera-shy...just because I've realized that I cherish every single photograph I have, and there aren't that many opportunities to spend time with friends...time is running out, and I want to make every moment count. I'd also like to capture every memory on camera, but that isn't possible. But I'll do my best. :) I think I might take Photography next year with Steph...I also want to visit a museum displaying photographs and paintings. I love art. :) Oh, speaking of photographs, here are some pictures from junior prom. Lots of fun. I finally put all my pictures into a little photo album...if you wanna see, just ask. Girls, develop your pictures! Let's trade. :) (Thanks Diana and Amaris who have already traded with me, teehee. Gotta love "work days" in English...) By the way, I only cut AIM for about three weeks. Darn. I'll do better next time. What a lazy day today...at home anyway. This day has been one of the worst of these past few weeks (which is pretty bad, considering what horrible weeks these have been), so I treated myself to the luxury of doing absolutely nothing productive today. I've enjoyed myself going online, chatting, reading up on blogs, looking at pictures, watching TV, ...and now it's 9:00. Time to pack for Disneyland!! (We have to be at school at 4:30 AM!!!!! What an absurd, unheard of time to be waking up...4:00 is a BED TIME, not a waking-up time!!) I can't wait! *sings* "tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya, tomorrow" dreaming aloud at 9:02 PM
| |
 | |
