Faded Memories

27 March 2003

Look at me, I'm chain-blogging. That can't be a good sign.

But I just had to write down that I watched the sweetest movie today.

Yes, a movie.

On a weekday.

Who knew I had the time?

But anyway, it is the Disney Channel Original Movie, Tru Confessions, my new favorite as of now. Shia is such a good actor! This movie made me cry buckets. I had to break out my trusty tissues and wipe the tears that kept slipping down my cheeks. *sigh* Such a touching story.

The only thing that is ruining my tender, mushy mood right now is this English Honors application letter, which is due tomorrow. And of course, I put it off until 10 the night before. Actually, I am almost done writing it (only because it's around 11:45 right now), but I must condense my letter to 300 words. How can you cram what you want to say into 300 measly words?! I really must learn to use my space and my words more sparingly. Well, only about 15 more words to cut (from a total of 100 that I had to cut). I wonder if anyone is actually going to use only 250 words.

Alright, back to work.

dreaming aloud at 11:45 PM

Two weeks without AIM! Take that, Jeff!

I'm shooting for a month. At least.

dreaming aloud at 11:33 PM

I now know why I scarfed down so many random kinds of food, why I had such strange cravings, how I consumed that much food in one sitting (well, it seemed like a lot), why I have been so emotionally unstable lately (even more so than usual), why I cannot make even simple decisions or make up my mind...I got it. Darn it.

dreaming aloud at 4:49 PM

25 March 2003

I am super super bored and I still hate Blogger. Evil Blogger. Harrumph.

When is this period OVER?!?! ...oh good, one more minute. THANK YOU!!!!!

dreaming aloud at 11:45 AM

23 March 2003

10th day without AIM! :)

Who's Your Anime Boyfriend?

What San-X Character Are You?

dreaming aloud at 8:30 PM

18 March 2003

I haven't been on AIM in five days. *beams proudly*

Of course, I also wanted to sleep at 10:30 tonight, but it doesn't look possible. I'm so bad at researching.

Overwhelmed. Thoughts swirling. Big picture. Anxiety attacks. Headaches. Desperately need sleep. Too much going on! No more. Being pulled under. Drowning. Suffocating. Numb, unfeeling, indifferent. Uncaring. Fatigue.

I just need one day. To not interact with anyone at all; to not worry about what assignment or project is due the next day (or later on in the month); to not have to put on a face for people that just won't let me be exhausted, for people that insist on me being peppy and enthusiastic, or else "something's wrong" with me; to not think about all the things yet to be crossed off my checklist; to not yell at my brother to do his homework instead of watching TV (when that's all I want to do as well); to not have to worry about offending anyone or hurting anyone's sensitive feelings; to not have panic attacks when thinking of all the activities I'm involved in and the time they consume; to not feel guilty for not spending enough time with God or with my family. I just want sleep!

...I hate feeling this way.

dreaming aloud at 10:22 PM

16 March 2003

I wish to turn back time, so I can satisfy my itching desire to watch A Walk to Remember again. Or at least read the book. I am so sick of reading books for English. For once, I would like to read what I want to read!!

That is my complaint for the day.

Although I did get to watch Lilo and Stitch with my brother today. Even though it was a bit disappointing, I guess I shouldn't complain. Not that it was a bad movie. It did get me a little teary-eyed. Nevertheless, it is not a movie I would buy. I'm grateful for the tiny amount of time I got to spend with my brother, though.

Another thought. The fourth Alias episode I've missed!! I'm going to suffer from Alias withdrawal any day now...

I'm sick of going to Safeway.

And you, what are you doing here? You're overstaying your welcome, you know. I'd like to kick you out, but I'm not that rude. So, please, please, get out of my head and leave me alone!!

dreaming aloud at 11:37 PM

Why will my template NOT publish??? Curses to you, blogger. *shakes fist*

dreaming aloud at 11:20 PM

13 March 2003

My brother is hilarious. At dinner, he was eating bagel bites, and dipping them in ketchup. Who puts ketchup on bagel bites?!?! And after dinner, I was eating strawberries with whipped cream, and he said, "Ooh, yum, I want some!" So he took a strawberry and smothered it in whipped cream, so the dollop was bigger than the strawberry itself. He took a bite, and then said, "Eeeewww!!!" and ran around with the bite of strawberry in his mouth with a disgusted look on his face, screeching. I asked him, "What's wrong with it?" He said, "It's hairy!!!" and promptly spit it out.

dreaming aloud at 10:07 PM

12 March 2003

All of a sudden...I want to cry...again. Ok, so what else is new.

Communication problems stink.

And being constantly distracted is not such a picnic either.

Getting three hours of sleep doesn't help much.

...I wish for someone to just let me crash and burn. To tell me it's ok to cry. To let me cry on their shoulder. To hold me tight and never let me go. ...where are you?

dreaming aloud at 9:52 PM

11 March 2003

I think I pulled...my arm muscles.

What the heck. This has never happened before. It feels so weird. Every time I pick up something heavy, I strain my muscles and it hurts. Argh. I couldn't even go to dance today because of my stupid arms. I didn't know my arms were that sensitive, or that wimpy.

I thought I could go to sleep earlier tonight, especially because I didn't go to dance, but NO. Here I am, once again, frustrated to pieces because of another seemingly pointless English assignment. Another essay. Comparing the novel The Great Gatsby and the movie "A River Runs Through It." I don't even see the connection. Well, I do, but just barely. And I just remembered that I hafta print out a huge 18-page long packet online, but my computer doesn't print from Acrobat Reader, and it's too late to call anyone to ask if they can print it for me, and no one's online, or at least no one that can print it. So hopefully the school printer will be nice and let me print out all 18 pages tomorrow. Otherwise, I'm screwed. Oh, but only for two periods. And I forgot that I have a concert report due on Wednesday too. I was planning to write my English paper rough draft tomorrow. And I'll probably have other homework on top of that. And we'll probably get our Chem tests back soon. Ugh. He was going over the tests today in class, and showing us what the right answers were, and I missed almost all of them. For once, I'm not exaggerating. I think I got about two right. That I know of, at least. This is the worst I've ever done on a test this year, and the least I've studied. What a horrible day to have a Chem test...on Friday. The night before, my dad came home from the hospital, and I just couldn't concentrate on studying. Especially because people kept calling to ask how he was doing, how we all were doing, and people also dropped by to visit. Not that that's bad. In fact, I feel incredibly blessed, because so many people have been there for us. God is good. But I could not concentrate. At all. It didn't help that I left my Chem binder in my locker, or that I also had a Spanish test the next day. Which I studied for a lot, but there were only a few questions. How pointless is that?! Plus prom planning on top of that. Well, at least we've got that settled. And the drama and arguments have more or less subsided.

Whew. I feel better now, after venting. Even though all of this hasn't gone away. But at least I dumped it somewhere.

Thank you for listening, er, reading. If you did. If not, that's cool too. It wasn't all that important anyway.

Anywhoo...I've been extremely distracted lately. I cannot focus on anything. My mind always wanders and drifts off into some other dreamworld, where my imagination runs free, unrestricted by the boundaries of reality, coloring but not staying in the lines. I think I need to stop daydreaming. It is not good. Sometimes I confuse reality and dreams, trying to live in both worlds at the same time, wanting to make those dreams come true in real life. But I can't have both. Lately I have been getting really frustrated with myself. I see things, and they remind me of the past. And with those memories comes tears. Of regret. Of sorrow. Of shame. Of pain. And yet, of joy. Of hope. That maybe things will be different. How long? Until I learn not to give my heart away so easily, to not make him my whole life. Priorities. And what are they? Everything cannot be number one. Something has to give. And that something...is me. I must give everything I am, all that I have, all that He's given me, right back to Him. I must learn to sit quietly at his feet, to bow in humility, to look up in awe and wonder, to be amazed by simplicity. To be still before Him, and listen. What is He telling me? Oh God, teach me to be obedient. I offer up to You what I have now, and that is my tears. Please hold them for me. Thanks for letting me cry on Your shoulder, and for never forsaking me. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." -2 Corinthians 1:3-4. Thank you for difficult times, because it is only then that I am knocked off my high horse and deserted by people, so that I have no one else to turn to but You. Thank you for never giving up on me, for continually reminding me that I need to be dependent on You alone, not on people, and that I need to find contentment in You first. Love will come in time. But first I need to fall in love with You.

dreaming aloud at 12:07 AM

03 March 2003

Erosion
Oh, Spirit, fall like rain on my thirsty soul
Erosion
Oh, sweet erosion, break me and make me whole

-"Erosion," Switchfoot

dreaming aloud at 11:32 PM

frustration is...
not being able to express in words what you want to say.
not even being able to make up words to express what you feel.
translating emotion into words.
waiting for a phone call that never comes.
thinking your laundry is done and ready to be folded, but because you forgot to put your laundry in the dryer, all your clothes smell of mildew.
upsetting your friend without meaning to, and the argument that comes along with it.
not getting along with a huge group of people, when you desperately need their cooperation and support.
disappointing your parents, but not knowing how you disappointed them.
running out of special k cereal bars when you have a craving for them.
running out of anything you have a craving for.
thinking you finished all your homework, and then realizing that you haven't.
not knowing what to say to a friend.
feeling helpless as you watch someone go through pain, but knowing that you can't do anything about it.
the struggle between studying and dozing off.
misplacing a cd when you are in the mood to listen to that very cd.
walking right past an old friend without so much as an awkward hello.
having your personal space invaded.
daydreaming when you know you shouldn't be.

dreaming aloud at 11:18 PM

sitting here tonight,
all alone by the phone
you don't call
i miss your voice

close friends we used to be,
how did i not see
that this was coming
the end

but is it the end?
is our friendship really over?
when we made that promise
will we keep it forever?

i know we should move on with our lives
but it still hurts to know
that i have lost you
to someone else

so it can never be the same
things always change
maybe what is needed
is a change of heart

to not fear the closeness
to not fear the vulnerability
to not fear the changing winds
to not fear you

still, engulfed in tears
swallowing my guilt, my shame
trembling
i sit here

holding my broken heart in my hands,
ready to be made new again

dreaming aloud at 11:07 PM