28 February 2003*sings to herself* ...we're makin' a list, we're checkin' it twice...My head is crammed full of prom details. At least a few more things are checked off the list... I cannot believe what just happened today at lunch. (And before lunch.) HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! :) *wipes a tear* Whew, that was pretty funnie. I'm so proud of you girls...(ok, only one haha). But still. yay! :) dreaming aloud at 12:11 AM
25 February 2003An up and down day.On the one hand, stress of wishy-washy people, as well as lack of sleep, along with getting teary-eyed at school; on the other hand, a great conversation with two friends (more of a ranting-while-madly-walking), and then an unhurried, relaxing, non-stressful lunch at Applebee's. I am still stuffed. So we have a plan now. I feel so much better. My tummy has been so happy these past few days. Appetizer sampler at Applebee's today, along with a gigantic chocolate malt; sweet and sour chicken at P.F. Chang's, along with many other delicious dishes and cheesecake!!!; lamb that my dad made; caterpillar rolls at a Japanese restaurant; and chocolate chip cheesecake at the mall in SF. Yum. I can't stop smiling; these past few days have been great. (And not just the food.) Well, up until today. But I guess I was bound to crash sometime, right? I've been on such a high from everything that has been going on, that I should have expected this. Oh well. I guess I am more naive than I thought. To show how exhausted I was today, not just physically, but rather more emotionally, I got home from lunch, and...I lay on my bed for a few minutes, wanting to play the guitar and sing. (Except for the fact that I don't have a guitar, much less know how to play.) I was still on that high. I lay there for a while longer...then I crawled into bed and crashed. I never take naps. Not willingly. But today...too many things on my mind. Such a jumbled mess right now. Not even that much homework...but somehow it's taking me forever. I care too much about everything. I hate indifference. And not being true to yourself. And facades, and dishonesty, and insincerity, and non-genuineness (even though that's not a word). But let's live in the past for a moment, and relive those tiny blessings throughout the past few days. *big grin* Ok, I feel better already. Nothing can wipe the smile off my face...for now. eeeee!!! dreaming aloud at 10:53 PM
22 February 2003Quixotic:1. romantic: tending to take a romanticised view of life; 2. impractical: motivated by an idealism that overlooks practical considerations; 3. impulsive: tending to act on whims or impulses. I am quixotic. Just thought you guys might like to know. Often times, I go on the computer "just to check mail" or "just to do some homework." And, inevitably, I click on the little instant messanger icon, signing me on to AIM. Chatting away the things on my to-do list, procrastinating once again. I have little spurts of focus ability, and I am able to concentrate on homework for a long time, driven to finish. And then I get to the last assignment, and I think I have so much time. I drift over to the computer, and...I glance at the clock. Two hours have passed, and my word document is still blank, save my name, date, period, and assignment in the upper right-hand corner. Blog-surfing is a deadly addiction. I think I am spreading myself too thin. I'm at the point where I have so many things I want to do, I don't know how to prioritze them. And sleeping seems like such a waste of precious time. We only have twenty-four hours in one day. How do we make them count? What do You want me to do today, Lord? (I think I got an average of about 5 hours of sleep each day this week. Not good. I even had to leave track early today because I didn't have enough energy to run, much less do time trials. That means I have to do them ALL next week. Yay.) I don't know how to squish my list down to just a few choice things I want to accomplish. I realized the other day that I do so much better with short-term goals. I am too impatient; I cannot wait for the fulfillment of long-term goals. Anxiety makes my heart flutter. Not in a good way. Blog-surfing is something I need to cure myself of. I read far too many, although it's not necessarily a bad thing. It is only when I do that instead of doing the things that I am supposed to be doing, that makes me pay for it later. Occasionally I come across some incredibly well-written blogs. Wow. All I can say is, I wish I wrote that. I am jealous. I say that half-jokingly, but inside I know I am more serious than joking. I wish, with all my heart, that I could be great at something. Doing something, or being something. I just want to be...great, as selfish as that sounds. But I know that God has already given me so much, and that you faithful readers out there will probably say, but you are great at something! And all that jazz. But...in my heart...I must disagree. I guess in our own eyes, we are never great. I wonder how God can see us as precious. We are all given spiritual gifts...I wonder what mine is... Cindy says that I'll probably find out later, when I'm older. That it's ok if I don't know right now what exactly it is. She also perceived me very well. That I am a romantic. That I am emotional. That I am sentimental. That I love all that mushy gushy fluff. That I wear my heart on my sleeve. That I give it away too easily. And so, with that, she told me to guard my heart. I never realized how weak I truly am in that area, until I had that talk with her. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." -Proverbs 4:23. Thank you God, for giving me someone I can go to for advice, to pour out my heart so openly and unashamedly, not worrying about being judged or criticized. Another thing. I am a perfectionist. This prevents me from getting anything done, because I am never satisfied. Teach me to be humbly content. If anything, I should be counting my blessings right now. There is much to be thankful for. Like in Chem today. The lecture was super boring, actually I don't even know what he was talking about, something about Lewis structures and formal charges. Anyway, the announcements come on during second period, which is when I have Chem. They mentioned something about a haiku contest, and announced the winning haiku. That started Ben into a haiku-writing spree, making up random haikus for everyone and everything. There was a little misunderstanding between us about a cough drop, which inspired him to write me a haiku. I wrote him back, and suddenly the rest of the period was haiku-writing time. I love that, writing notes in haiku form. It's so fun. :) Also, at AWANA tonight, Pauls told me something that completely made my day. She said that I was one of the best hug-givers she knows. Ok, so maybe I'm great at giving hugs. Yay for me. (Not that I'm unhappy with that, it's just...the perfectionist gene kicking in again, I guess. I want more. How much can I ask for? I've already received the greatest Gift of all. Can't I realize that my life does not rest in my hands?) Multicultural week ended today. We had a school-wide assembly during SSR and study session. Many cultural groups performed authentic dances. It was, simply put, amazing. I still want to learn Indian dancing someday. And, of course, tap and ballet. (Even though those have nothing to do with different cultures.) Ok, I think that is enough randomness from me for today. I always get these urges to write at night. I love the nighttime. It is so peaceful, serene, unhurried. It is a nice time to find quiet solitude, and spend some quality time with God. I do my best thinking at night. My new online addiction (like I need another one!): grassroots. Thanks, tigger, for getting me hooked. :) Goodnight, all. Sleep well, dear ones, as I hopefully am going to tonight. Thank you for listening to the outpouring of my heart. (Oops, it looks like I have turned into a pumpkin once again...) dreaming aloud at 12:47 AM
20 February 2003By the way, I am still craving that cheesecake. My favorite dessert EVER. Hopefully I can order some at P.F. Chang's on Sunday, when we go there for dinner...*wipes drool* They have the best cheesecake there. A HUGE slice of New York style cheesecake drizzled with raspberry sauce and sprinkled with fresh ripe berries. Strawberries and blueberries and raspberries. (I think.) So juicy that when you bite into them, the flavor explodes in your mouth. With just the right amount of crust on the cheesecake also. That is important. :) Now my mouth is watering. I have yet to eat at the Cheesecake Factory in SF. Someday...someday.dreaming aloud at 11:48 PM
If anyone should like to win my affections for a day, he will know to purchase a vintage lunch tin for me. Preferably an I Dream of Jeanie one. Or maybe the Brady Bunch. Or old-school Betty Boop. I can't decide. :) And to further woo me, he may serenade me with a song, written especially for me. And quote Jane Austen, or Emily Dickinson. That is, if anyone is interested in sweeping me off my feet. If not, then please disregard the above. My fingers are itching to play the guitar. I would like to learn the rest of that song. Darn Bert. Wimped out on us. Oh well, something to look forward to on Saturday. I just wrote an entire essay (ok, only a page, double-spaced) in Chinese. That was...surprisingly fun. And my mom is super. It took longer than I thought, but only because I am a perfectionist. Writing is an art! I have decided I am quite satisfied with my handwriting and penmanship (or pencilwomanship? :) ) for now. I have missed writing in Chinese. I need to go to Chinese School more often. I have missed far too many weeks. And even more surprising, I have discovered that I miss my Chinese School teacher. Wow. I never thought that would happen! But she is actually a good teacher, one who cares about her students and teaches useful things. I miss that. But, once again, I am missing it this Saturday, to go shopping in San Francisco with friends. More prom stuff. Aiya. Although I must admit, it is fun. Just a hassle, that's all. So I am excited...but also sick of it at the same time. Anyway, someday I would like to write a poem in Chinese. That would be fun. :) Maybe it will be a project I can work on with my parents...(what am I talking about? Of COURSE with my parents! I can't do it by myself!!) Actually, I like hanging out with my parents, so that would be interesting to work with them on that. But I digress. What was my point again? Why did I start writing in here? ...oh yeah. To post a poem. Oh well. Time for bed. Maybe tomorrow. I am super tired. Today has been a productive work day though. I am pleased. (Except for the fact that I'm still going to bed at midnight...*sigh* Hey maybe if I hurry, I can actually be in bed my midnight! Then I won't turn into a pumpkin, like I have before...*wink*) Fare thee well. dreaming aloud at 11:45 PM
19 February 2003i am craving cheesecake.i fixed my blog! i'm proud. i hate this fluttery feeling...feels like my heart is about to flit off somewhere. come back! i need you! (to my heart) dreaming aloud at 9:55 PM
13 February 2003A survey I found while blog-surfing. This will be my last post for a while--going on winter retreat tmrw. Good night.(aaaargh! my blog is messed up. what happened to the picture?! *disgruntled, frustrated sigh* i'll fix it later...) THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME: 01 | small, crowded spaces *hyperventilates* 02 | creepy, crawly bugs (ones with lots of legs) *shudder* 03 | sharp, pointy things (weapons), blood, guts, gore, violence *hides under a blanket and covers eyes* THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH: 01 | you. 02 | me. 03 | everyone else. THREE THINGS I LOVE: 01 | the arts. (writing, literature, painting, fashion, music, dancing, films, etc.) 02 | long conversations for hours on end. 03 | happy endings. THREE THINGS I HATE: 01 | dishonesty. 02 | swearing. 03 | losing friendships. THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND: 01 | being two-faced or back-stabbing. 02 | unconditional love. 03 | broken promises. THREE THINGS ON MY DESK: 01 | old journals. 02 | cds. 03 | letters/notes from friends. THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW (PRESUMABLY BESIDES ANSWERING THIS QUIZ): 01 | blog-surfing. 02 | talking to people on AIM. 03 | procrastinating on homework. THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE: 01 | fall in love. 02 | publish a book. 03 | write a song. THREE THINGS I CAN DO: 01 | be encouraging. 02 | listen to what others have to say. 03 | always tell the truth. THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY: 01 | caring. 02 | emotional. 03 | excitable. THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS: 01 | girly, feminine. 02 | soft. 03 | natural. THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO: 01 | make decisions. 02 | lie. 03 | completely get over past loves. THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO: 01 | nichole nordeman, woven and spun. 02 | john mayer, room for squares. 03 | michael w. smith, freedom. THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER: 01 | rap music. (if you can call it that) 02 | lies. 03 | swearing. THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST: 01 | "just kidding." 02 | "aw, that's so cute!" 03 | "whatever!" THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS: 01 | pasta. 02 | strawberries with whipped cream. 03 | cranberry-orange bagels with cream cheese. THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN: 01 | how to be content. 02 | who i am. 03 | how to be the best friend, sister, daughter, person i can possibly be. THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY: 01 | hot tea. (brewed from real tea leaves, not that artificial tea bag junk, with no sweeteners or flavorings.) 02 | hot chocolate. 03 | smoothies. THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID: 01 | Saved by the Bell. 02 | The Brady Bunch. 03 | Boy Meets World. ------ 1. Spell your first name backwards - Nai. 2. The story behind your weblog title? - It describes me. 3. Are you homosexual? - No. I like boys. :) ------ DESCRIBE YOUR.. [ x ] Wallet - Shiny, purple, squishy, contains $20 and some change. [ x ] Hairbrush - Which one? [ x ] Toothbrush - Purple and white. [ x ] Jewelry worn daily - My gold purity ring. [ x ] Pillow cover - Currently, it is flannel, with scattered burgandy tear-drop shaped paisleys on a cream colored background. [ x ] Blanket - Silk quilt (freesh--say it five times fast!), striped on one side, plaid on the other. cream, aqua, yellow, blue, green, navy, and other various hues in this color theme. [ x ] Coffee cup - hot chocolate cup: orange, flowered, tea cup: small, tan/brown clay (<--? at least that's what it looks like) with a Chinese screen print of hills and and a tree in black on bamboo (the color). [ x ] Sunglasses - Cheap, brown and black swirly/spots (don't really know how to describe them). [ x ] Underwear - AE and Gap, colorful. (i'm sure you guys wanted to know that.) [ x ] Favorite shirt - White blouse, three-quarter-length sleeves, button-down, mandarin collar, white lace on collar and cuffs, bottom edged with thin white lace, rouched front. (Less than $5 at Target!!!) [ x ] Cologne/Perfume - Christian Dior: Addict and any Gap scent. [ x ] CD in stereo right now - John Mayer, Room for Squares. [ x ] Tattoos - None, deathly afraid of needles. [ x ] Piercings - None, again, deathy afraid of needles. [ x ] What you are wearing now - A grey Gap sweatshirt, blue and white plaid pajama pants (with a drawstring ribbon!), and moccasins. [ x ] In my mouth - The taste of my chapstick. [ x ] In my head - "somethin bout the way the hair falls in your face, i love the shape you take when crawling toward the pillowcase...your body is a wonderland..." by John Mayer. [ x ] Wishing - For my elf prince to come. :) [ x ] After this - Packing for retreat. [ x ] Fetishes - Hats, fragrances, clothes, shoes, socks, stickers, stationery, colorful pens, lip gloss/chapstick. [ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, and for what reason - Who: I could never kill anyone. [ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - My future husband. [ x ] Some of your favorite movies - A Walk to Remember, Never Been Kissed, The Princess Diaries, The Sound of Music, Emma, Center Stage, Ever After, Kate & Leopold. [ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - Youth retreat. [ x ] The last thing you ate - Peanut M&Ms. [ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - Needles. [ x ] Do you like candles - Yes, especially scented ones and ones that are shaped differently than the normal average candle. [ x ] Do you like incense - No. [ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - NO. [ x ] Do you believe in love - Yes. [ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - Yes. [ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - Lust at first sight. [ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - Yes. [ x ] Do you believe in God - Yes. [ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - Not sure. [ x ] Who is your worst enemy - Satan. [ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - I can't decide between a brown and white bunny and a chestnut and white horse. [ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up - Approximately 36 hours. [ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - Yes, but not very well. I still don't know how to use them properly. [ x ] What's your favorite coin - Quarters. Shiny ones. [ x ] What are some of your favorite candies - Red M&Ms, truffles, chewing/bubble gum. [ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand - My belief in God. [ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better - Myself--my feelings, my thoughts. [ x ] Who is someone that you really wish was still around - My Aunt Mary. I never really got to know her that well. But now she is with God, so at least that is of comfort to me. Also my Aunt Doris, because I never really got to know her either. And I don't know where she is right now. And that scares me. dreaming aloud at 4:03 PM
12 February 2003good poetry is like therapy for me...this poem that my friend wrote completely made my day! it's such a sweet poem! i wish i wrote it... More than friends I bet you didn't even know. How much I care, about the way you smile, then gently tap my arm. How much I wanted to be the only one, with whom you feel whole. I bet you didn't even know. About the glances I stole capturing your sway, scent, and silence Nor the dreams I had of you and me and me with you I bet you don't even know. How much I hurt, For you to see me, as you always have. How it would soothe me so, If you could, only, just, feel, the same. dreaming aloud at 10:16 PM
11 February 2003i'm looking at the episode guide of alias online, and i was remembering sunday's episode. it made me cry. :( the part when syd's mom says she will refuse to see her anymore. that's so horribly sad. i can't imagine never seeing my mom. or not growing up with my mom, and then being able to talk to her a little, and then having her tell me that i can never see her anymore! :( there was another part when i got a teensy bit teary eyed, but now i forget. maybe i'll remember later. anyway, i don't know what i'm doing up. i should be asleep.grr. i'm mad. christina, those shoes you showed me were gorgeous! perfect! but...i looked up the website online, and they're only available in black right now...until may 2003, and THEN they will have them in ivory. argh. no fair. i feel like pouting like a little kid. wait, i am a little kid. and i am pouting. so never mind that. blah...i feel so...argh. no word. i want to post that thing that we were talking about, amaris, but i'm afraid of the response...so maybe i'll just keep it to myself for now. poop. track was fun today. it felt good to stretch and actually work out. i love that feeling. it's jazzy. :) (my new word...it's easier to say than "ish kabibble") ok, i cannot think or write coherently in complete sentences or thoughts right now. i feel so disconnected...goodnight. dreaming aloud at 11:09 PM
09 February 2003i just had an awesome quartet practice. cmea ensemble festival is march 1, so we decided to start meeting for practices...actually mr brown told us to (all the quartets, not just ours). anyway, we (christine, carson, genie, and i) met today at carson's, and we had dinner at her house before practicing. that was fun, cuz it allowed us some time to chat and get to know each other better, or at least be comfortable with each other. and we ended up chatting a lot during practice...haha it was fun. they're so cute. and i really really like our piece. :) it's beethoven, op. 18, no. 4 in c minor, allegro.after church today, we re-recorded for 500 miles. it was kinda frustrating, cuz i kept going flat. argh. with russ having a tendency to go sharp and me having a tendency to go flat, while both singing the same part, is not a good combination. and i was really really sleepy. i didn't get enough sleep last night, i guess. but YESTERDAY, i had the BEST day!!!!! :) even though i went to bed around 1, i managed to wake up BEFORE my alarm went off! three minutes before! but i stayed in bed for about half an hour anyway, listening to the music on my radio alarm clock. actually, the john mayer song "why georgia" played when the radio first went on, so that was nice. (cuz i love john mayer's music.) so i got out of bed around 9:30, christina and felicia came around 10:45, and we took the bart to sf. shopping was so much fun! and...i got my prom dress!!!!! i'm so excited, because i love my dress. it was a tad expensive...but my mommy is so kewl. she's just like, well if you like it so much, and it fits, just get it because i don't want you spending so much time looking for one. as in the famous words of chewy, "you can replace money, but you can't replace time." so i ended up getting it...after a huge ordeal with the saleslady, who was being impossible and a bit snooty, if you ask me, and i almost cried, i was so frustrated. but she talked to my mom on my cell phone, who gave the saleslady her credit card and social security numbers, and some other info, and finally it was done. i got it. :) i was so relieved. now i only hafta match it with accessories and junk, and that's the easy part. well, easier. ah, such a hassle. but it's still fun. :) i also saw this fifties dress i wanted...it was strapless and knee-length, dark silvery-gray with black polka-dots all over it. i love polka-dots. :) and stripes, and plaid, and...yeah i'll stop. but oh well, i still like my dress better. :) i'm so happy. but...now, i HAFTA go to prom...cuz i promised myself that if i found a dress i really loved, then i have to go, because otherwise it'd be a waste of a great dress. and for the price i, er, my mommy :), paid for that dress, i can't NOT go. and it's not like i don't want to go...i'm just kinda worried about the whole date situation. all my guy friends that i'd be willing to go with already have someone in mind...at least, i think so...if i just get asked, i'll be incredibly happy. they don't even hafta ask in a cute way, as long as he asks me! cuz then i won't hafta ask anyone. i don't even know how i'd ask, if i had to...but anyways. enough about this topic. everyone is sick of it already, so i won't say anything more. unless something important pertaining this subject happens. which i doubt. so. anyways. youth group was fun. we had small groups, and our small group sat in pastor chu's office and talked and ate snacks. it was nice. that room is very conversational! how the furniture is arranged. it's very comfortable. anyway, we just caught each other up in what was going on in our lives, talking about the things we're dealing with and fun stuff like that...i can't wait til our small group sleepover. :) hopefully april 5-6! :) hm. i just remembered. the bart situation, when we were coming home from sf. it was...interesting. the particular bart car (is that what you call them? cars?) that we were in was almost empty, and EXTREMELY quiet. the air wasn't on, which usually makes that loud background noise we're used to hearing. and the engine wasn't making that much noise either. but when we went through tunnels, or just when we were driving (again, i don't know the term...), the doors we were sitting next to were flapping open a bit at the bottom...it was SO scary. it seemed as though they were going to fall off. and the doors kept flapping at different times, so it was like they were talking to each other across the aisle. it was a bit amusing, although scary too. and then most of the lights just went out. that was freaky! and it was SOOOO quiet. and we were going SO slowly...we (me, christina, and freesh) all looked at each other and were like...omigosh...we're gonna die...and then i kept hearing things. i kept hearing random non-existant things, like cell phones ringing, and voices and stuff. it was scary. but it turns out i was "psychic" cuz i "heard" my cell phone ring before it actually did ring! haha. and i had a dream about shopping for prom dresses the night before, and i remember being frustrated in the dream, with some kind of complication. and that happened too! hahaha. ahem. anyways. you know what? i'm not very good at being spontaneous. actually, that's practically impossible for me. i always hafta know what i'm gonna be doing the next day, or even the weekend, or just whatever. i hafta know exactly what the plan is, and i live by schedules, and i love making lists. i write everything down, because i'm scared i'm going to forget it, and...aaargh. sometimes i even drive myself crazy. i wonder how my friends live with me. not that i'm completely organized and neat. far from it, i'm such a sentimental packrat that my room is an "organized clutter" of things. i really need to clean my room. i haven't REALLY cleaned it in...actually, i don't remember the last time i have. how sad. how pathetically sad. but before i get into a blue funk while thinking about how lazy i am, i will just go watch alias. i taped it because i had quartet practice today. wow, it took me like an hour to write this entry. while talking to people on aim, of course. nevertheless, it's still a really long time. ok, i'm gonna go get my weekly dosage of michael vartan...i mean, alias. :) dreaming aloud at 11:25 PM
06 February 2003i heard a john mayer song on the radio, and it reminded me of a day when i was flipping through channels and saw his "your body is a wonderland" music video. that is the cutest video i've ever seen. :) to be serenaded like that, to have my picture taken like that, would make me melt. i can feel my defenses weakening already. it'd be awfully hard to say no to such an adorable smile.* * * * * tapping my foot to the tune in my head humming along, singing a song writing a note, read what i wrote glancing around, without a sound aimlessly my gaze wanders lingers at the sight of you when you look up our eyes meet your gaze pierces my soul when others ask me, "how are you doing?" i lie and say "fine, how about you?" but with you there is no hiding anything you see right to the core of me no matter what kind of a mask i try to wear the image i try to build up as you stare as much as i want to, i cannot tear my eyes away from yours your gaze has left me helpless naked, exposed frightened of vulnerability and comforted from knowing the freedom that comes with honesty casually you let your gaze drift to her and leave me to stare dreamily into space thinking of you and being me * * * * * i'm thinking about joining the track team. i'm actually getting kind of excited about it. i know, i know. me? running?? ha! but i do need the exercise, and i want to do some kind of sport during high school. i've never been on any kind of team sport before, and my middle school never offered any sports or clubs or extra-curricular activities like these. so i should take advantage of the opportunity before me. i need to learn discipline anyway, with exercising. the conditioning will be killer but SO good for me. i'm excited for this year because i've never been on a team sport, so i can join this year, and i've never been on an overnight trip for school, but we're going to disneyland. i'm a little disappointed that a lot of my friends, who i was counting on to be there, aren't going, because it's only orchestra and jazz band. but it'll still be fun. :) many things to look forward to. i just realized that i basically convinced myself to join track. but then again, this is what happened last year... ...and i didn't join. anyway. i practiced violin today! only for half an hour, very feeble attempts in practicing, but still proud nevertheless. actually, i was more guilted into doing it, because i have a lesson tomorrow, and i skipped last week's (finals), so i had to at least run through everything to make it look like i know what i'm doing tomorrow. :) hm. i haven't had the urge to write in a while. tonight, suddenly, i have that urge. inspiration? maybe. more likely it's the scattered thoughts that won't stop bouncing around in my head. i try to shut off my brain, but does it listen to me?? NO. i really need to learn how to relax. to take each moment at a time, to place each day in His hands, to take each tiny step faithfully. trust. that's a tough one for me. i seem to have issues with trust. sometimes i trust too much, sometimes i don't trust enough. i seem to trust certain people too much, and get burned because of it. so i begin to put up a guard around them, build up my walls of defense. and then something makes me melt, and i forget all the promises i've made to myself, all the warnings i've tried to remember, and i let my guard down and trust someone. and i feel so free, so happy, because i'm being who i am. trusting. but then i get hurt again. so i'm scared to be who i am. i'm scared to be open, to let someone into my life, to get close to anyone, to trust somebody. i'm scared to trust You. but i want to. i want to learn. how do i live for You, Lord? how do i place my life completely in Your hands? how do i love unconditionally, like You do? we humans learn best from imitation...that was created in us on purpose, wasn't it? You want us to imitate You. *sigh* i have anxiety problems. i am way too anxious about things. i care too much about...about everything! i think i need to not care so much about everything...but it seems impossible. to be indifferent is to me the equivalent of being cold and heartless. i think i need to prioritize, and learn to make decisions. i'm extremely indecisive. yet picky. how is that possible? i have no idea. but it is. because i am. i also consist of 99% emotions, 1% logical concrete thoughts. whimsical. emotional. sentimental. wears her heart on her sleeve. yep, that's me. how funny that my mom says i'm very logical. but maybe i am. i guess i always thought i was more emotional than logical, though. well, enough of this pathetic attempt at self-analysis for tonight. am i really genuine? a verse that stood out to me: "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." -Galatians 5:16. this verse is on one of my tommy bucks...it reminded me of the discussion i was having with a certain mr elf the other day, about the Holy Spirit. (do you remember?) anyway, i thought it really applied to me. this one too: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7. once again, this verse. a constant reminder of what i should be doing. my prayer tonight will be for peace. dreaming aloud at 12:27 AM
04 February 2003counting my blessings:1. taking "movie breaks" during the ever-so-stressful finals week (about two movies, er, excuse me, chick flicks, per day *grin*) 2. taking susu out to lunch on her bday with the group to j.j. north's (and celebrating christina's too), and laughing the hardest i ever have with them 3. seeing chicago with the group 4. a fun awana session with pauls ("everyone strike a pose! let's see who can last the longest..." *grin* this is a great technique, er, game, to play with the kids--great for the leaders! ah...peace at last!) 5. worship session with bert and russ 6. the freedom to cry in front of them and to bring my tears to God 7. praise practice with bert and russ 8. sleeping in on saturday morning 9. getting a red envelope from my parents on chinese new year's 10. going out for lunch with my family on chinese new year's (at silk on broadway) 11. 500 miles recording session 12. dinner at fuddrucker's--i love eating kids' food *grin* grilled cheese sandwiches, fries, soda, and a sugar cookie! yum. pauls, kevin, taryn, jeremy, kris, and jess crack me up. :) 13. having lunch with grace, roger, doofus, and bogdan (this guy from latvia!) at high tech burrito 14. seeing two weeks notice (again) with grace, roger, and bogdan 15. going out to dinner with my, kelly's, and chi hue's families at silk on broadway (and having a long talk with kel, haven't talked to her in a while) 16. catching up with alfred on the phone, haven't talked to him in a while either 17. watching Alias!!!!! and getting my weekly dosage of michael vartan *huge grin* 18. almost no homework on monday night (and tuesday--tonight) 19. found out that i got an A in spanish this semester! :) 20. talking to amaris during the entire english period (on monday) *grin* that was relaxing. i love ms sweet. 21. having a relaxing history period as well--watching simpsons! and doing other nothingness stuff... 22. talking to rozita and susu during study session today 23. talking to kel for like two seconds during brunch :) we always meet in the bathroom haha 24. talking to amaris during lunch 25. forgetting to go to my locker during lunch, but not having to do the math hwk because mr nelson (our sub) did all the problems on the board for us! :) 26. getting a note from kel! :) 27. understanding calculus for one brief shining moment 28. having someone to walk home with is always nice... 29. going crazy with my lil bro :) and, once again, laughing my butt off (my parents too) 30. slacking off on hwk cuz my brain is MUSH 31. chatting on AIM with a few special peoples :) 32. endless day-dreaming *faraway look* off to do some more dreaming now... dreaming aloud at 10:20 PM
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