27 November 2002interesting blog i founddreaming aloud at 12:19 AM
25 November 2002[i want to cry. i just lost my whole post. so now i am trying to remember what i wrote earlier, because i wrote a lot.]if you're reading this russ, thanx for your encouragement last night. i did in fact have a good day today. except for a little mishap at lunch, the whole day was peachy. i woke up in a great mood, walked to school humming to myself, all my classes were pretty good. in english i got to talk to amaris, and in psych i got to talk to kris, and i got my test scores back: psych, 54/55, calc: 87%. woohoo! :) i thought i failed my math test, literally failed, cuz i didn't know how to do about half. maybe one third. but anyway, i had to guess a lot and make up a bunch of stuff. not good. uhm...yes. moving right along...(oh no, i sound like mr gishe!) i had good talks with mom and grace (on different days) about what kinds of jobs i can do after graduating. after talking with them, i have decided to consider marketing as a career, because i can analyze data (i am very logical, according to my mom) and because that way i can work with numbers but not yucky stuff. and i like to make things look pretty, and figure out ways to sell things to people in the best way possible. like, figuring out why people buy certain things. :) psych also contributed to this, surprisingly. it's a wonder how i ever learn anything in that class. it's fun tho. one of my easier classes. i also had a good talk with a friend tonight, about how stupid people are. (this has been on my mind for quite some time, so i will elaborate.) yeah, i know that sounds blunt and rude and cold, but...it's the truth. society is degrading. people no longer have respect, honor, morals. there are no more gentlemen in this world. aren't there any people still saving themselves for their future spouse? doesn't anyone believe in true love? does anyone even know what that is? i think society and the media have twisted people's views on love. it is now commercialized, a casual one-night stand, a term used loosely. it is stripped of its meaning. few people know and still believe in true love. most people think they know what it is, but their minds have been tricked. they think they are in love with someone because of a few feelings or physical/outer appearances. girls demand respect from guys, but isn't it ironic that they don't respect themselves? it's like they're inviting guys to treat them badly, because of the way they dress, the way they act, the way they talk. and guys just go for one girl after another, like they're meat. ugh. it's disgusting. anyway i won't talk anymore about this subject. too much to say, little brain power to put these thoughts into words. (plus i want to seep soon!) another good convo with a friend tonight: RedDjango113: Iono seems to me, your letting life get to you a little too much lil fa i rie 27: hehe im moody like that lil fa i rie 27: yeah i think i do take things really personally lil fa i rie 27: i'm sensitive like that RedDjango113: Thats can be a good thing, just sometimes people aren't as aware of that and prolly seem insensitive lil fa i rie 27: yeah i think thats true too lil fa i rie 27: but i should realize that and get over things lil fa i rie 27: let go RedDjango113: yah just make sure you keep some of it tho ~_^ lil fa i rie 27: hehehe lil fa i rie 27: and thanx for telling me that lil fa i rie 27: its hard for me to let go of things lil fa i rie 27: and let God be in control of everything RedDjango113: Yah, God can guide you in anything you do just gotta make sure your listening lil fa i rie 27: thats the problem sometimes, isnt it...we dont listen closely enough RedDjango113: unfortunately sometimes we don't, but the great thing is God will forgive all our misgivings no matter what they are ^_^ lil fa i rie 27: yeah:-) thats so awesome RedDjango113: sometimes we like to focus on the problem so much we tend to forget that fact oh yes. one last thing. girls in my group, i luv you guys! what would i do without y'all? thanx for cheering me up and being there for me in tough times. (like lunch today.) you girls are so sweet. thanx for noticing my blues moods, and for helping me not think about those things...i need to let go. guy diets are good... and kris thanx for those snickerdoodles! sorry i ended up eating them all...they're so good!!!!! :) red m&m's are my favorites. i like saving them for last, when i get m&m's. i'm getting really random, so i think that means it's time for bed. goodnight! dreaming aloud at 11:31 PM
24 November 2002had a great talk on friday with grace. we went to tomatina's, yum. good pasta. and today grace and roger and i went to starbucks to study. well we were gonna go to barnes and nobles, but it was too crowded. so starbucks was good too. three words: peppermint hot chocolate. mmmm. at first they made it wrong--they made cold chocolate. but grace was like, well, we'll still take it. but she asked them to make it over again cuz i wanted hot chocolate. so we got both the cold and the hot. and they were so good! i think i'm getting addicted to hot chocolate. it's the best thing next to tea and smoothies. anyways. so we studied. for three straight hours. i went through one whole practice sat. grace and roger were studying for other standardized tests too. and i didn't do so good on my test. i got a 1290. i guess it's ok for the first time, but i was still a little disappointed. i mean, i really want to get at least a 1400 on the first one. and a 1500 on the second time. but i don't know if that's gonna happen. well, i'm proud that i set aside some time to study today. i hope i can do that during vacation as well.on a lighter note...i really like nicknames. they're personal and heart-warming. i really like it when my friends call me by a nickname. inside jokes are always fun. nicknames are somehow comforting. ok. i don't know what my point is. i just wanted to say that. time for making my spanish poster! adios. dreaming aloud at 11:23 PM
20 November 2002i cannot wait to hang out with grace on friday. i really need a break from school and from just everything. my emotions have been way out of wack lately. i think i'm too stressed and sleep-deprived, not to mention i don't get enough exercise. i need those endorphins that come from physical activity! i miss dance class...(i couldn't go on monday cuz of my english project--grammar groove. ugh. i don't like group projects.) and i think i won't have time to go play tennis on saturday morning with my family cuz i have this spanish project i need to get done. and SAT's are coming up too! in...about TWO weeks!!!!! AAAAAH!!!!!!! i need to crack open my SAT book. so yes, i have been rather stressed. i've been snapping at people when i don't even mean to, and the tiniest things will set me off crying. i don't understand. i'm breaking down and deteriorating. i need one day to catch up. one day to sleep and relax and not worry. one day to spend with my Lord. just one day. that's what i want for my birthday. but i don't think i can even have that. because even though we have vacation next week, i'll be spending time with family or busy with hwk and studying for the SAT's. i don't even know if i can go out with my friends! and i always prided myself on putting my friends first. but somehow...they just give me more emotional stress. and i'm beginning to be more wary of the people around me, not wanting to hang out with them or talk with them, isolating myself from them, not trusting anyone anymore...i feel as if i'm an open wound, just waiting for something to touch me the wrong way, and then my heart will bleed everywhere. i'm scared. i don't like how i've become, paranoid and terrified, suspicious and untrusting. it seems so cold, so harsh. to be this way. i want to be there for my friends...but who are my friends? i don't even know anymore. i'm afraid to be vulnerable. i'm afraid to open up to anyone anymore. i'm afraid to be someone's friend. i'm afraid to have someone know me so well, and then turn on me and hurt me, to rip my heart out and leave me there bleeding. i'm afraid to trust. oh Lord, please forgive me. and please help me learn to be patient, learn to be accepting of everyone's faults, including my own. pleaes help me to trust You always. i long to seek after You with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, all my mind. with all my life. my everything.dreaming aloud at 11:07 PM
19 November 2002 What Is Your True Aura Colour? brought to you by Quizilla dreaming aloud at 11:22 PM
i really enjoyed psychology and calculus today. after a not-so-great morning, the unscrambling ditto we did in psych was welcoming. and although i was a bit lost in our calc lecture today, something mr gishe said was rather interesting. to me, at least. he was giving yet another example of how calculus is used in nature and in our daily lives. the example is light refraction. when light hits water, it bends at a certain angle. so the image, to us, is changed. and it was found that the angle doesn't minimize the distance the light travels, but rather minimizes the amount of time it takes the light to travel. so basically, light always travels in the shortest amount of time. i thought that was pretty cool. and a rainbow's image is seen as an arch because of the way the light refracts and bends at those angles. all these intricate details of nature amaze me. whenever i learn of them, it just shows me how much detail God put into this world. He thought of everything. everything works together beautifully, and everything has its own purpose. our God is a very creative God. it comforts me to know that He made all of this, because if He knows all of these tiny details, how much more should i trust Him with my life? it's hard to put into words what came across me in calculus today. but anyway, i was happy cuz i didn't fall asleep in ssr OR in class!!! in any of my classes actually. i was pretty awake today. so proud of myself. :) dreaming aloud at 10:31 PM
Freesh, you got me hooked onto the poetry website. :) The Lover's Song Eliza Acton OH sooner shall yon star decline, Which guides the wand'ring seaman's way, Than thou shalt from the inmost shrine Of this warm heart, be torn away: No !-- firm, as pure, my love shall be, Though nurs'd for ever, -- silently! In vain for me the festal hall Displays the wine-cup's blushing hue; And music's swell, or faint, low fall, Echoes, the vaulted chamber through: Alike from song, and revelry, I sorrowing turn me, -- silently! I gaze unmov'd, though Beauty's smile, And Beauty's eyes, be near to bless; I think with beating breast the while, Of thy retiring loveliness: And lonely, and afar from thee, My tears fall fast but, -- silently! Ev'n when my swelling soul is full Of those deep feelings, which arise, When mid-night, calmly beautiful, With starry splendour lights the skies, O'er Nature's glorious charms I sigh, And mourn thine absence, -- silently! To dwell eternally apart From thee on earth, may be my lot, With fading brow, and with'ring heart To linger on, where thou art not; Yet turning, with devotion high, To thy bright image, -- silently !-- Should it be thus, --when in the grave My spirit finds its rest at last, Wilt thou, who had'st no pow'r to save, Weep for awhile o'er suff'ring past; And sometimes, e'en when crowds are nigh, Recall thy lost one, -- silently! This poem made me want to cry. It seems so sad, yet so hopeful. * * * Song Eliza Acton I turn from pleasures witching tone, Though sweet the syren-strain may be And wander silently, and lone, To think, my own best love! on thee. There's not a radiant blossom hung On lowly stem, or lofty tree; There's not a beam of beauty flung Around me, but I think of thee. And never doth the gentle ev'n Shed her soft calm o'er earth and sea, Lighting the golden stars of heav'n, But tenderly I think of thee. This one is sweet. * * * Calais Sands Matthew Arnold A thousand knights have reign'd their steeds To watch this line of sand-hills run, Along the never silent Strait, To Calais glittering in the sun; To look tow'rd Ardres' Golden Field Across this wide aerial plain, Which glows as if the middle Age Were gorgeous upon earth again. Oh, that to share this famous scene, I saw, upon the open sand, Thy lovely presence at my side, Thy shawl, thy look, thy smile, thy hand! How exquisite thy voice would come, My darling, on this lonely air! How sweetly would the fresh sea-breeze Shake lose some band of soft brown hair! Yet now my glance but once hath roved O'er Calais and its famous plain; To England's cliffs my gaze is turn'd, On the blue strait mine eyes I strain. Thou comest! Yes! The vessel's cloud Hangs dark upon the rolling sea. Oh, that yon sea-bird's wing were mine, To win one instant's glimpse of thee! I must not spring to grasp thy hand To woo thy smile, to seek thine eye; But I may stand far off, and gaze, And watch thee pass unconscious by, And apell thy looks, and guess thy thoughts, Mixt with the idles on the pier. -- Ah, might I always rest unseen, So I might have thee always near! To-morrow hurry through the fields Of Flanders to the storied Rhine! To-night those soft-fringed eyes shall close Beneath one roof, my Queen! with mine. He seems shy and timid. It's so cute. * * * To An Inconstant One Sir Robert Aytoun I loved thee once; I'll love no more-- Thine be the grief as is the blame; Thou art not what thou wast before, What reason I should be the same? He that can love unloved again, Hath better store of love than brain: God send me love my debts to pay, While unthrifts fool their love away! Nothing could have my love o'erthrown If thou hadst still continued mine; Yea, if thou hadst remain'd thy own, I might perchance have yet been thine. But thou thy freedom didst recall That it thou might elsewhere enthral: And then how could I but disdain A captive's captive to remain? When new desires had conquer'd thee And changed the object of thy will, It had been lethargy in me, Not constancy, to love thee still. Yea, it had been a sin to go And prostitute affection so: Since we are taught no prayers to say To such as must to others pray. Yet do thou glory in thy choice-- Thy choice of his good fortune boast; I'll neither grieve nor yet rejoice To see him gain what I have lost: The height of my disdain shall be To laugh at him, to blush for thee; To love thee still, but go no more A-begging at a beggar's door. * * * To His Forsaken Mistress Sir Robert Aytoun I do confess thou'rt smooth and fair, And I might have gone near to love thee, Had I not found the slightest prayer That lips could move, had power to move thee; But I can let thee now alone As worthy to be loved by none. I do confess thou'rt sweet; yet find Thee such an unthrift of thy sweets, Thy favours are but like the wind That kisseth everything it meets: And since thou canst with more than one, Thou'rt worthy to be kiss'd by none. The morning rose that untouch'd stands Arm'd with her briers, how sweet she smells! But pluck'd and strain'd through ruder hands, Her sweets no longer with her dwells: But scent and beauty both are gone, And leaves fall from her, one by one. Such fate ere long will thee betide When thou hast handled been awhile, With sere flowers to be thrown aside; And I shall sigh, while some will smile, To see thy love to every one Hath brought thee to be loved by none. dreaming aloud at 8:05 PM
16 November 2002Have You Ever Been Mellow?: Dreamy, artistic and imaginitive! You find youself constantly wanting to create. You're good with your hands and have a way with the written word. Your ideal partner would know how to appreciate both you and your art. What's your DDR theme song? or aaah! i keep getting two different answers. which one?? Sunny Day or Mo Mo Ai Ni (Secretly Loving You) can't make up my mind...argh. dreaming aloud at 11:35 PM
 What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla dreaming aloud at 4:13 PM
14 November 2002
or
hm...which one am i? dreaming aloud at 9:08 PM
10 November 2002yes, as freesh mentioned in her blog, we had a good time reminiscing about those good ol' days, when we would make up dance routines, er, excuse me, KEL would make up dance routines, and "perform" them to various songs. it was so much fun. i really miss the days when we were just little kids, with almost no worries in the world. i especially miss our garden, at church. i remember when we were taking care of our garden, carefully working the soil and picking out each and every rock that seemed to appear out of nowhere, and coaxing those small flowers to bloom. and now it's gone. dead, but also torn down because of the new building at our church. i was walking around our church grounds the other day, and everywhere i went, there was an old memory attached to it. it made me want to cry, to think back on those times. life was so much simpler then. and yet, it wasn't. i don't know. i just wish that i could go back. somehow i am not satisfied with my life as it is right now. i want to be a kid again. i don't like all these worries and stress that comes with growing older. and yet i also want to be older. i want to be out of college and start getting settled in my life. i want to figure out what i'm going to do as a profession with my life. i want to get married and start my own family. but i also want to stay with my family right now; i don't want things to change. argh! i don't know what i want. i just...don't want to be on this earth anymore. i want Him to come, more than ever. i want to be with Him right now, in heaven. darn these temporary trappings of this world. i want the best of all worlds, all lives. and i don't want any of the responsibilities or hardships that come with each one. i'm feeling pretty immature right now. ugh. i know that my thinking isn't right. but i can't help thinking it anyway. sigh. i don't know what i want.dreaming aloud at 7:19 PM
exerpt from an email fwd: "We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath. P.S. God Loves You. A wish for you! Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles -- A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself. An unexpected phone call from an old friend. Green stoplights on your way to work or shop. I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in... The fastest line at the grocery store. A good sing along song on the radio. Your keys right where you look. I wish you a day of happiness and perfection -- little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare. I wish you a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them." dreaming aloud at 7:04 PM
07 November 2002you know what's frustrating? when you're mad at someone and they don't even know that you're mad at them. or they know that you're mad at them, but they don't know WHY. it's infuriating. also, if you're avoiding someone, and they don't know that you're avoiding them. argh! get a clue.anyway. there was a storm today. or was it last night? i went to bed around 1:30 last night, and it was raining really hard already. it was actually really relaxing. it's nice to fall asleep to the pitter-patter of the drumming raindrops on your roof. and today's storm was nice. wild with wind and rain, and then calm and quiet. cold, then humid again. the raindrops seemed to have an incredible freedom. they could do anything, go anywhere, be wild and crazy and free. their exuberance thrilled me. the energy, the excitement, the dancing on the wind...and me, stuck inside, typing on a computer. (hwk and studying) how i envy those raindrops. i find it interesting that girls tend to fall for guys when the guys allow themselves to get close to a girl. when they are open and share deep things with them that not many other people know. why is it that girls are like this, but guys are not similarly prone to fall for girls in this way? it seems that guys are more interested in a girl's appearance. but not necessarily their clothing. what's weird is that girls are so obsessed with how they look and what they wear (yes, including me *sigh* this clothes-addiction has got to stop). but guys don't really care too much about details on clothing. as long as it's not always jeans and tshirts, or something scrubby and too casual all the time. yet girls spend so much time buying just the right clothes and invest time in their makeup and accessories and other stuff like that. it's almost as if girls are impressing each other rather than guys. not in the same way, of course. but think about it. if a girl is dressed nicely, another girl will be more likely to notice than a guy, and admire her for it. well, maybe not admire, but...i can't think of the word i want to use. so admire will have to do for now. anyway, i find the differences in guys and girls (like the differences in their thinking and how their minds work/are programmed) are extremely interested. bert has told me about classes in college concerning this topic, or similar topics, that i want to take. he took them and liked them, so i'm looking forward to taking those classes. ok, i've wasted enough of my precious hwk and sleeping time writing in this blog. back to work i go. three-day weekend!!! :) dreaming aloud at 9:25 PM
03 November 2002"I'd Rather Be in Love"Michelle Branch I cannot help it I couldn't stop it if I tried The same old heartbeat fills the emptiness I have inside And I've heard that you can't fight love, so I won't complain 'Cause why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on? 'Cause when there's You, I feel whole And there's no better feeling in the world But without You I'm alone And I'd rather be in love with You Turn out the lights now To see is to believe I just want You near me I just want You here with me And I'd give up everything only for You It's the least that I could do 'Cause when there's You, I feel whole And there's no better feeling in the world But without You I'm alone And I'd rather be in love with You And I feel You holding me Why are we afraid to be in love? To be loved I can't explain it I know it's tough to be loved And I feel You holding me Oh, oh And when there's You, I feel whole And there's no better feeling in the world But without You I'm alone And I'd rather be in love Yes, I'd rather be in love Oh, I'd rather be in love with You And I feel you holding me, oh the "you's" in this song aren't capitalized...but this is how i view the song, when i was listening to it again yesterday. i know it's not sposed to be about God, but i feel that it applies to my life really accurately in this way. i don't really know how to explain it, so i guess i'll let the lyrics of the song speak for me. dreaming aloud at 9:49 PM
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