31 October 2002hm. i just thought of something. maybe i'm so exhausted from burying my thoughts and my feelings and my secrets so deep inside of me, burdened by their weight, not wanting to deal with them. the fact that i'm getting sick prolly contributes to that too...but, shouldn't i focus on more important things than how i feel or whether or not i have kept my secrets? why do we even have secrets? i hate who i've become. i hate secrets, and i hate not caring about emotions. how someone feels used to be so important to me. and i guess it still is...but...somehow...not the same. i don't know how to explain this in words, so i guess this is all for today. i have tried. i have failed. miserably. words are so limiting. or maybe it's just my limited vocab.dreaming aloud at 10:20 PM
ok. so i'm updating. sorta. i don't know what to write. i don't know much of anything anymore. especially how to be a friend. i thought it was something that i could always be. but now i feel like i'm pushing everyone away. and closing myself off to people. i am not the same person i was, say, a month ago. what changed? what happened? i always thought i was more of an open person, honest, there for my friends, a good listener...but now i find that i'm avoiding people, being really distant, not being open with people, so i guess that means i'm not being completely honest either. i haven't been much of a friend lately. i don't know how to be one. i feel so...detached. so numb. like i'm not here...like i'm walking around, invisible, just watching everything around me, keeping to myself. and that's ok, i guess, just sorta lonely. i don't feel connected to anyone or anything anymore. one good thing has come out of this though...i have learned how to keep my mouth shut. well, sorta. hehe. i can keep a secret so much better now. (it helps that i don't talk much to people anymore) it's like i'm...unfeeling. i don't really feel much of anything anymore. except confused. and so exhausted. from trying to figure out my thoughts that are running thru my head constantly. so many questions, so many contradictions. i wish i understood. but i guess just knowing that God knows my heart is enough to give me peace, to calm that storm in my heart and in my head. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 4: 6-7. i love the book of Philippians. :) it's such a great book. anyways. uhm...so yeah. i don't know what to write in here. it's kinda weird, writing in here now. cuz i haven't for so long. and i'm having difficulties trusting people. that's another thing. i used to be so trusting, maybe too trusting, of others. and now i'm just wary and suspicious, and in hiding and stuff. and i don't like it. i don't like it at all. but i don't know how to change it. how to change myself. how to be me. who am i? dreaming aloud at 10:18 PM
14 October 2002alriteys...i'm finally posting. this one is for you, crack. hahaha. crack. i still can't believe you thought i called you that...anyways. ahem. now you must post...because i'm ahead! i win! hahahahaha...hmm...it's been a while. i don't know what to write about in here anymore. i'm taking a break from my english essay. i really should have started it sooner. at least only the rough draft is due tmrw. how did it get to be so late? dance was fun tho. :) my highlight of my mondays. i heard "the game of love" on the radio today...it was #1 on alice tonight! the top 5 at nine...heehee it got me a-dancin and totally lifted my mood...anyway here are the lyrics: "The Game Of Love" (Santana on guitar, feat. Michelle Branch) Tell me just what you want me to be One kiss and boom you're the only one for me So please tell me why don't you come around no more Cause right now I'm crying outside the door of your candy store [Chorus:] It just takes a little bit of this A little bit of that It started with a kiss Now we're up to bat A little bit of laughs A little bit of pain I'm telling you, my babe It's all in the game of love This, whatever you make it to be Sunshine set on this cold lonely sea So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for It ain't sayin' goodbye that's knocking down the door of your candy store [Chorus] It's all in this game of love You roll me Control me Console me Please hold me You guide me Divide me Into what... [Guitar solo] Make me feel good, yeah So please tell me why don't you come around no more Cause right now I'm dying outside the door of your loving store [Repeat Chorus] It's all in this game of love It's all in the game of love Yeah, in the game of love Roll me Control me Please hold me (make me feel good, yeah) dancing in your room with no one looking is so much fun. :) it makes me look fwd to dance class, and even prom. i don't know why i'm thinking about it now, but i guess i'm a worry wart like that. and some of my guy friends are already thinkin about who they wanna ask...and i know some of the girls are worried about dates also. ugh. i hope it all works out. oh well, whatever. what comes will come... i hope the person that i like doesn't find out i like him...cuz i don't want things to get all weird between us...i just want to let whatever happens, happen. it's all in God's hands. although that is so much easier to say than do...complete surrendering is hard for me. ok, so it's hard for everyone. but still. i have nothing to complain about. i just wish i could NOT like him, because it'd make life so much easier. constantly thinking about someone is very distracting. i can't focus on the things i should be focusing on. why do i let him get to me like this? how can i be completely dependent on God, and God alone? it's frustrating when old tempers flare up again, when old hurts come back again, when old insecurities haunt me again. i'm so tired of it. well, that is all for now. i must get back to essay-writing. (not trying to end on a bit of a downer note...but that's what i did, didn't i...hmm...umm...smile and be happy! no stresses, no worries! :) ) dreaming aloud at 11:11 PM
03 October 2002someone asked if i was ok...*sniff* i want to go cry my eyes out now...thank you for seeing me...and you, my friend...thank you for listening to me vent... dreaming aloud at 9:19 PM
i need to know when to hold my tongue... *sniff* to a friend (if you're reading this): i'm sorry i hurt you...please forgive me...in my flares of temper, i don't realize what i'm saying...and i say a lot of hurtful things that i don't mean...please try to understand, and please know that i truly am sorry... dreaming aloud at 8:52 PM
ok. i am somewhat more clear-headed and not as angry as before. so i can get on with writing what i was going to write earlier. in english today we were talking about writing and voices and word choice (in essays)...it's all in this ruberick used for grading. i don't want to go into that, but anyway we did this exercise where we grabbed a novel from ms sweet's "library" and flipped through it to find a passage that showed the author's voice, and another passage to show good word choice. i picked sophie's world, by jostein gaarder, and i found a quote i really liked. i have this book at home, but i haven't cracked it open yet. today inspired me to start reading it though...cuz i ws flipping through it, and it looks really interesting. anyway, here's the quote: "You can't experience being alive without realizing that you have to die, she thought. But it's just as impossible to realize you have to die without thinking how incredibly amazing it is to be alive...How tragic that most people had to get ill before they understood what a gift it was to be alive. Or else they had to find a mysterious letter in the mailbox!" (pg. 5) another quote i like, from anne of avonlea, by l. m. montgomery: "Living so that you beautify your name, even if it wasn't beautiful to begin with...making it stand in people's thoughts for something so lovely and pleasant that they never think of it by itself." (pg. 192) (yes, i am reading the anne of green gables series, cuz i have the whole series but never read it as a kid, so i'm reading them now...they're good! i like them.) i wish i could have lived when they had tea time every day...or when they had balls (old-fashioned versions of our dances)...or when they went on buggy rides for dates...i want to see what it's like to live in the more old-fashioned times. but i'm not in a dreamy mood anymore, so i won't write anymore about this. more quotes: What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him, I may think aloud. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Falling in love is the beginning of all wisdom, all sympathy, all compassion, all art, all religion; and in its larger sense is the one thing in life worth doing. ~Elbert Hubbard Where love reigns the impossible may be attained. ~Indian proverb Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one. ~Stella Adler The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson A friendship that can end never really began. ~Publilius Syrus dreaming aloud at 8:40 PM
aiyAH! must all guys be inconsiderate jerks?! well ok, i know i know, not ALL guys...just most. argh. why are they so un-thoughtful?! do they really NOT realize or see these obvious things?! sheesh. do i really need to tell them more than once?? and they don't even know i'm frustrated or angry...which just makes me even more mad. i think i'm gonna take a "guy diet"...no more talking to guys unless i have to. well, ok, i'll talk to the nice, sweet, considerate, thoughtful ones. the rest of them can just get out of my way or else. go away! *steamed* anyway...i had a lot of stuff i wanted to write in here...but now i'm so frustrated that i can't get back into my dreamy mode i was in earlier...and see? i hate how these kinds of things (caused by people) can change my mood so quickly and drastically. i mean, today was a great day. at least, it started out great. in fact, this day has been really good. up until now... *deep breath* i'll go chill somewhere and then come back and write what i wanted to write earlier. hopefully i can clear my head and stuff...laters. dreaming aloud at 8:22 PM
01 October 2002i kind of wish tatoos didn't hurt so much (i'm assuming they hurt, cuz they involve...*shudder*...needles). i wish they didn't involve needles, cuz i kind of want one...of a fairie! *grin* or a butterfly...*sigh* but i guess i'll hafta make do with those fake ones...those are fun tho cuz you can change them a lot, and have diferent ones, and they won't be permanent. they're cuter than the real ones too, cuz they're prettier. :) but they always come off so easily...aiya. oh well. ok, dinner time. time for me to start "finishing those replicated protein molecules and textured carbohydrates," as dustdedge says. byebye.dreaming aloud at 7:39 PM
wow...good music can make all the difference. michelle branch, shedaisy, and the "a walk to remember" soundtrack have such great songs. whenever i listen to them, i instantly feel so much better...it's almost like therapy, haha. if you blast michelle branch when you're angry or frustrated, i guarantee you'll feel a lot better afterwards...at least i do. *grin* and when you're feeling all dreamy and sad and wistful, if you play the sweet and sad, but hopeful, songs of shedaisy and the soundtrack...it soothes your soul. *grin* i feel so giddy haha. wow, and i have almost no hwk today! although i have a lot of things i should be doing...practicing viola and violin, doing the english hwk that's due next week, studying for the calc test tmrw, studying for the history test on thurs, etc. hm...i guess i'll go eat dinner now, and go study or something. laters! dreaming aloud at 7:31 PM
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