30 September 2002"sadie hawkins dance" is a good song (by relient k). it's so cute. i want to have a sadie hawkins dance! maybe then the guys will finally know what it's like to be the girls, all nervous and waiting and wondering and hoping, who is gonna ask them and when and how and all that good stuff...and if that special someone will ask them, or if some other nerd will ask them...aiya it is stressful i tell ya! but anyway...relient k has good harmonies and good voices! i'm surprised. i've never really heard them before until today "oh oh oh!" teehee...in the car on the way home from dance class today! :)quotes i like that i've found while blog-surfing: "You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting." "The most cruel thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall..." " Nothing you love is lost; not really. Things, people - they always go away, sooner or later. You can't hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they've touched you, if they're inside you, then they're still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart." ...*sniff* (ok, now i'm really going to sleep this time. goodnight!) dreaming aloud at 10:48 PM
i'm getting back into journaling and note-writing again. it's kind of nice to be able to put your thoughts onto paper. there's just something so simple and old-fashioned, yet thoughtful, about writing letters. i love getting letters. just knowing that the person put in some time and effort to write to me is something so special *warm glow inside* but anyway, that somewhat explains my absence of writing in this blog. or typing, i should say. although it IS considerably faster. :) let's see...so, what has been going on in my life lately. God has been teaching me a lot of things. lessons i really want to learn and put into practice, but lessons that are pretty difficult to apply to my life. i keep struggling with falling into the same sins, over and over again. i wonder how God doesn't get tired of forgiving us over and over again, for the same sins each time. doesn't He ever get tired of hearing us pray the same thing so many times? doesn't He ever get tired of watching us mess up so much? i'm so glad He doesn't give up on us. that kind of love is a kind i long to understand, a kind of love i desire to give. anyway, some of the things i'm trying to learn are how to be content and joyful in every situation, to thank God for everything, to not let mere circumstances determine my mood or outlook on life. i desire to have a joy and a peace that is deep inside of me, joy and peace that can only come from Him. i want to bleed love when provoked (although i know that's gonna take some work! *wink*). i want to have a fervent love for others. i want to be taught how to live my life dependent on God. i also want to be taught how to have the capacity to forgive others and ask for forgiveness, and to be generous with others (selfless). and i'm trying to trust in Him each day, in each little step of the way. i need to take things one at a time, to take each day slowly and appreciate the little wonders and joys in life. well, those are just a few of my life lessons yet to be learned. :) and i guess when i say learned, i mean applying them to my life, not just knowing what i hafta do. hm...it feels like i've made completely different friends for some reason. i feel like i don't hang out with the same people as i used to...it's kinda sad. i don't wanna be like ditching people for other friends...and yet...i realize that i am doing this. i don't even know who i talk to anymore. i guess just whoever. it just seems like a lot of friendships have drifted apart...what happened? aiya. so confusing. but i realized that some of your closest friends don't necessarily hafta be the ones you hang out with all the time...they're just the ones that know you the best, and you can just start talking again one day and it'll be totally comfortable, like old times. pick up where you left off. i like that. it's comforting to know that i have friends who i can count on to always be there for me, to listen and to be supportive (freesh...guy-bashing! hahaha). *grin* so that makes up for the me-being-picked-on lately. it's slightly annoying, but i'll try not to let it get to me. and usually it's fine, like i don't really care if people "pick" on me or tease me or call me names or push me around, cuz i'll do it right back to them, and it's all in fun and games. but sometimes i'm in one of my weird moods, and if they do that to me (those meanie boys hmph) i'll like just want to cry, even if it's not that big of a deal. i realized how much of a cry baby i am. how pathetic. *sigh* hm...random question...am i a manly-ish girl or a girly girl? and how come guys can do those kewl sound effects with their mouths (like planes and machine guns and bombs exploding and all that good stuff), and girls can't?! at least this one can't. maybe i'm more of a girly girl than i thought...huh. i wish i could do that though, it's so kewl! and whistling. yes, i can't whistle. ok. a thought just came to me. i think i hang out with a lot more guys now, and i think the reason is because all my girlfriends are usually all stressed about school and academic stuff, and it's just not fun to talk about that. so i talk to the guys, and they're a lot more fun to talk to and be around (although this being-picked-on thing needs to stop...hehehe *wink* it's ok...i can take you guys on!!! bring it! ...*runs away*). i'm all talk and no action...haha. i just threaten people, never follow through...so don't worry guys. i won't hurt you. (if you're lucky) teehee. alrite, i think an early bedtime is muchly needed. goodnight all! :) dreaming aloud at 9:56 PM
28 September 2002ae aura: your aura is pink. hugs. kisses. a romantic glow. and a smile that charms. a pink aura expresses the feelings of falling in love.dreaming aloud at 12:06 AM
26 September 20021Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. ~Hebrews 12: 1-3Thanks, Shadow, whoever you are. I had the first verse memorized a long time ago, and I have these few verses underlined in my Bible, but I haven't looked at them in a while...and I needed that extra encouragement. So, thank you again. dreaming aloud at 10:31 PM
it occurs to me that i haven't posted in a while. well i just wanted to write that i'm really stressed out. well not exactly stressed...i'm...moody. and frustrated at myself. for setting goals for myself, for having expectations for myself, and then breaking them so easily, within even an hour of setting those standards for myself. i get distracted way too easily, swayed from following through on my promises to myself. when will i stop giving into these temptations, these things that pull me away? i am sick of the world. and yet i am drawn into it, caught up in it. and i am trapped. how do i get out? how do i listen to my heart and the One who guides me? how do i find rest in that green pasture, and drink from that holy living water? i long to be with God, to get away from all people, all worldly things, all the things society deems important. he tells me to do this, she tells me to do that. so many voices, cluttering up my thoughts in my head, drowning out that still small voice that was there from the beginning and is there now, the voice that will remain forever, guiding me, if only i will listen. so how do i block out all the other voices? how can i expect myself to change in an instant? and yet, how do i let my emotions carry me away and change my mood so easily? so if my moods can change so quickly...why can't i? dreaming aloud at 8:06 PM
23 September 2002Today is the first day of autumn!! *giddy*(how's that for a post? teehee) dreaming aloud at 5:34 PM
18 September 2002ew that last post looks so ugly. it's just a big fat blah, like "barfing" on a physio test. ugh. oh well, sorrie ya had to read that.dreaming aloud at 11:02 PM
i think i have neglected this journal long enough. i mean i've posted stuff but i haven't really written in it for a while. anyway. so today was a pretty good day, as school days go. i actually woke up with my alarm clock, something i never do. and i woke up to a good radio station, alice. and it was an interesting morning show. so that was good. and then i had breakfast at home, which was nice. hot breakfast! yum! and TEA! *grin* i love tea...and then i took my time getting dressed and listening to the radio, so despite my waking up early, i was almost late to school. i wasn't, though. *grin* i'm so proud. in orchestra we talked about disneyland, and i'm really excited to go. i hope we get enough people to go. we might even get to visit this place called midieval times! i really really wanna go there...see knights jousting, shows, people in renaissance clothing (i think), eat like they did in those times, etc. i want my prom dress to be a renaissance style dress! and i want my prom date to wear a cloak! ok that's just wishful thinking, i know, because i doubt any guy would want to wear a cloak, much less go with me to prom. or maybe i just wouldn't want to go with him...hahaha. ok. anyways. let's see...in psych and calc, all the seniors were gone (senior picnic), so we just had study period. which was kewl. although i didn't have much hwk. so i didn't really do anything, except bug alfred in psych and listen to mr gishe talk about philosophy in calc. that was kewl tho. so interesting. started to make my head spin though. and miraculously, i was not the only one in gishe's class. some other senior girl was there also. anyways. then let's see...um...oh yeah i had someone to walk home with today, which was kinda nice. it's sorta lonely walking home by yourself, even if it's only like 5 minutes...and it seems longer cuz of all the books you're carrying!! tutoring today was kinda boring. i felt stupid cuz i couldn't solve this one problem. and it's supposed to be simple! argh. oh well. and the cute older brother didn't show up. darn. double whammy. but, i got to hang with mama c today!! i had a really good talk with her...it was something i really needed. too many things to write about though so i won't go into detail right now (must shower and sleep soon!). so yeah...got home, practiced viola (yay! i actually practiced! i'm so proud of myself *grin*), ate dinner with my family (i luv my family!!) and did some hwk...not so fun. umm yeah, that's pretty much it. overall i'm just in a good mood. :) (can you tell? teehee) i have some inspirations...not inspirations to write, but inspirations about youth group. i am excited for youth group this year. i see so much potential in it, and i'm just really fortunate to be a part of youth group. i know i couldn't give that up. but there is something that hasta go i think...i don't have time or energy for everything in my life anymore, or at least everything that will soon be in my life. but anyway, bedtime, so more later. dreaming aloud at 10:59 PM
15 September 2002
what the heck...?! oh well. at least i am from the midieval time period. :) dreaming aloud at 4:25 PM
11 September 2002hope still remainsshock panic terror-stricken run! beautiful--destroyed cross still standing amidst the rubble growing thirst a longing for peace counterstrike is it all just a game? licking flames burning clouds of dust engulf the city smoldering ruins why are we fake put on a face no more secrets no more lies can’t we just be genuine can’t we just be us why don’t we understand why are we so afraid to take off our face to let down our guard no more hatred no more wary stares stop attacking ourselves our people, our nation hypocrites stereotypes no more dividers no more barriers one family one community one love one life divided peoples that have come together we’re all related and inside we’re all the same put aside the pettiness and realize hold onto the hope that is still there burning bright like a candle lit that very night by the people the nation that came together as one one nation under God indivisible pride unity freedom memories pin help hands reaching out saving firefighters, rescuers police officers covered in dust buried but not forgotten flag so bright clean, pure waving a flutter of hope fluttering in the wind still fighting kneel pray cry tears respect reflect condolences smoky dusk light fades in filters through the remains glow tears are the lullaby that rocks us gently to sleep as we remember and dream of the day when we’ll be with You forever dreaming aloud at 11:49 PM
the one day when we get to write poetry for school (english/history), i can't write...i'm not inspired...or something. i can't make it flow...and it's a jumbled mess, like the scattered thoughts in my head. argh. frustrating. it's about sept 11, so i'll post it later when i actually finish, since it's appropriate for today. on a lighter note, today was my first day of tutoring...and i got to meet his older brother...and he was so cute!!! *sigh* hopefully i get to see him every week...*grin*. unfortunately he's 21...argh. why do i always think the older guys are cute?! darn those older guys...oh well maybe now i know how joyce feels, only not as much...if that made any sense at all, which it prolly didn't. oh yeah! ROGER IS BACK!!!!!!!!! i'm so excited. can't wait to see him. that is all for now. bye. dreaming aloud at 10:02 PM
for my onion buddies: "Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep." doh i forget who it's by...oh well. hwk time. gotta fly. God be with you. dreaming aloud at 9:54 PM
09 September 2002whew! i am so relieved.dance class (jazz/hip hop I) was so much fun today!! i have something to look fwd to...yay. and it's some sort of exercise too, so that's good...and i can keep on dancing, even if i can't at school! :) i called steph today. that was pretty kewl. we talked for a pretty long time. it was nice cuz i haven't really talked to her lately. i'm lookin fwd to our "foursome" gettin together again and havin a sleepover, like old times. hopefully that will happen, and it won't just be all talk and no action! ok that sounds wrong but i can't think of how to phrase it differently...i'm a lil sleepy rite now. but i'm still confused. and i have no where to turn. i don't know who to talk to. and i know that there are so many people i can talk to...it's just...hard for me to reveal this deep secret of mine. i don't know why it's so hard for me to open up, but i guess i'm having a problem with trust. well not really, cuz actually i trust people a lil too much. i guess what it is is that...i feel like no one will understand. and i know that maybe i'm wrong, cuz i'm sure all y'all would understand...it's just...argh. such a delicate situation that i don't want to say too much to the wrong person...and yeah. complications like that. argh!!! she doesn't get it. so frustrating...and i don't want to just say it...actually cuz i'm scared to tell anyone. so yeah. i don't know why i'm writing all of this in here...it's just easier typing it than writing it in my journal, cuz my hand gets cramped. so yes. sorrie, if u guys are still reading, bear with me and just...ignore it if you want. well. i think i will go sleep now. too many thoughts swimming around in my head. am i a drama queen?? dreaming aloud at 11:57 PM
08 September 2002i feel so mixed upmy insides are churning and tumbling out how do i stop them where can i go to hide, get away from you i think i'm pushing God away from me i think i'm trying to ignore Him how do i get back on track again? i'm losing focus distractions everywhere can't stop thinking about you why do i struggle with the same thing over and over again why do i fall in the same place again how can i change what can i do i want to find You i feel so detached i don't like living anymore cuz i'm sick of being wrapped up in myself whenever i'm with others i can stay busy, i can help them i want to help them i want to listen and part of me feels so helpless cuz i don't know what to do, what to say but at least i feel needed i feel alive life is worth living but when i'm by myself it's you that's on my mind and i can't think of anything else and i'm so tired of going round and round in circles dizzy alone i brood i'm wrapped up in my own thoughts again who do i tell who cares who can i trust where do i go from here i need to get away but i can't i need to run but i can't i want to hide from you but i can't i can't avoid you cuz you're always there but so distant apart from me and every sight of you is just another reminder of everything i want and can't have sick of people sucking the life out of me tell me do you see me? do you care? dreaming aloud at 7:38 PM
07 September 2002driver's training soon! gotta eat breakfast. ugh...i don't like driving.....*sniff* i'm horrible too.dreaming aloud at 8:50 AM
"The Middle", Jimmy Eat World Hey, don't write yourself off yet It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best, try everything you can. And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright). Hey, you know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright). It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright). Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just do your best, do everything you can. And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say. It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright). It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright). dreaming aloud at 8:44 AM
05 September 2002open up the skyrain down Your love i don't care if i never get enough i just want to be caught in the flood so open up the sky, yeah open up the sky "open up the sky", FFH gots that stuck in my head as of now. just thought u guys mite like to know. i practiced violin and viola today!! i'm oh so proud. cuz i finished my hwk early...yeah i'm a dork like that. and i got these kewl stretchy cloth covers for my books. vicky called me today!!!!! it totally made my day...even though i couldn't talk long cuz i had to go to my violin lesson. ahh wells. thankies jie jie!!!!! you know what a funnie word is?? "irk." it cracks me up. i don't know why. so that's my new fave word. hm...what was my old favorite word?? now that's bothering me...cuz i can't think of what it was. i hate that, when i think of a question and i can't remember the answer... i'm just rambling right now. i don't know what to say. i feel like writing, but i don't really know what to write about. and i don't really wanna write in my journal. like hand-write i mean. darn i forget what i wanted to say...ahh wells. i feel like i have done absolutely nothing productive today. it sux. and guess what? tomorrow i get to do it all over again, well at school anyway. fun fun fun. yay. and we have to take school pics tmrw too...i think. i'm not sure. when are we sposed to take them, if we don't have pe? when did the juniors/seniors take them last yr?? and how come we don't get order forms...not that i have anyone to give my picture to, so i guess it doesn't matter too much. and awana starts tmrw too...i hope i have enough energy for it. and have enough strength to watch them together and not get too hurt... hmm...i feel like i'm sinking back down into my downer mode...i mean i try so hard to stay positive and keep upbeat and cheerful...but i think too much, and the pain won't go away. it's more of a dull ache, a slow throbbing now. so it's a lot better. but i feel so alone, even though i know that i'm surrounded by people...that i have friends who care...and yet i don't know why i push them all away, why i run away and hide, why i'm so afraid...am i putting on a face for them? i hope i'm being real...i hope i'm being genuine...cuz i thought that's all i knew how to be... alrite enough of my rambling. i will leave now, and hopefully sleep soon, so i can get more sleep. i am soooo tired...at like 7 or 8 or something! so early!! and i'm exhausted. i don't get it. none of the "real" work has begun yet...if i'm like this already, what am i gonna be like during the middle of the year?!?!?! *shudder* i'm scared..... dreaming aloud at 10:29 PM
04 September 2002argh. i hate school. i have a fat headache from school. it's a bad word now. baaad. SCHOOL. *shudder* well. no one better say the s-word anymore!!anyway, the one good thing that happened today was that after like a million tries, i FINALLY got my sched fixed. i have been bugging mr penner about it for the last two weeks, and have even gone to school like three extra times, all to no avail. and now that school has started...i have been to school early, like at 6:45, and that is just way too early for me, and still i got in line, all for nothing. same schedule as before. and then during fifth period (my open period) i went to go talk to them...penner couldn't talk to me AGAIN, so i talked to mr leonard. he was soo nice but the sched we made up didn't work cuz two of the classes were waaayyy overcrowded (calc second per and chem third per) and i figured i'd be kicked out soon enough anyway. so after school i went back up to the office. the line was too long so i went home. then i realized i really needed that sched changed cuz all my classes were wrong, and i needed them back to how they were. (following this? it's ok if ur not) and so i went back to school, waited til like 4:00, and finally saw heyer. and he helped me get my old sched back, plus fill in my open fifth with psychology. only ONE spot left in that class. ONE! i was sooo lucky. wow i was so happy after that...i think they're all tired of seeing me up there, they know me by face and name now!! a lot of the teachers anyway. i'm sick of them too. especially penner, who's done diddly. ok, so here's my new sched (which isn't so new but oh well here it is anyways): a: spanish IV, commerford 1: orchestra, brown 2: chemistry honors, highsmith 3: english, sweet 4: US history, wrenn 5: psychology, giannini 6: calculus, gishe i am already exhausted. it has only been one day. i am scared...i mean, some of the teachers sound kewl and everything, but it is just so much WORK!!! i don't know if i have that much energy to spend in each class. i mean, every class wants you to put in 100%! or more!! but you only have 100% to spread out between your seven classes, and that does not amount to too much effort. argishima. i am done ranting for now cuz this is depressing. anyway, i am hungry. didn't have much dinner. so, off to eat more food and gain more weight. yay! dreaming aloud at 11:04 PM
03 September 2002oh wait...ok i'm done. *grin* dreaming aloud at 10:46 PM
is it enough to love is it enough to breathe somebody rip my heart out and leave me here to bleed is it enough to die somebody save my life i'd rather be anything but ordinary please "anything but ordinary", avril lavigne i have that stuck in my head...can u tell? hehe i like the lyrics tho so it's ok. thank you to all my friends who are awesome and always give me encouragement when i need it...thanks for leaving me some comments. :) you guys are the sweetest. *sniff* (stephanini, amaris, mr knight, "time", freesh, susupop, etc...) hm...i forgot what i was gonna say... oh well. mr knight...i'm gonna win!!!!! mwahahahahaha! and silas...if you're reading this, i'm gonna beat you too!!!!! i can feel it... but darn you knight, now i'm all curious...and how many lives do i have left?? hmph. i'm gonna die again of curiosity...before i can win the bet. but i can taste that chocolate ice cream right about now...mmm...*licks lips*. well enough of the ice cream. i must go to bed before i really DO eat some ice cream, and gain even more weight than i already have this summer. and i hafta wake up early for A period tmrw...yay. not lookin fwd to my messed up schedule. gnite everyone! (wow i'm actually gonna sleep early tonight!!!!! i'm so proud!! *grin*) dreaming aloud at 10:44 PM
02 September 2002well...i just wanted to post that i had so much fun at the bbq thingy today!!! i miss being a kid...running around barefoot in the grass, in the sand, playing on the swings, having water fights and stuff...and just hanging out and chillin. well ok so i've been doin a lot of hanging out and a lot of chillin over this summer, but still. i want to go to a beach!!! *sigh* well maybe we can, sometime when we have a break from school or something...alrite i'm out. sooo tired...gnite everyone.dreaming aloud at 12:17 AM
alrite this post is all poems, so if u don't like poetry, stop reading now. :) ok...i wrote this one on thursday (august 29). listening to avril lavigne and michelle branch inspires me, and also talking to friends on the phone... dreams are so fragile...like bubbles, they shimmer, but pop with even the gentlest touch of reality... "Afraid of the Forever" what more could I do what more could I say so I set him free and I walked away now that you're back returning to me is this for real or are you pretending what do you mean to whom do you speak when you say forever do you mean me? are you returning back to the lost the old, the past ...the forgotten? is this for real? is it really true? somehow I find myself doubting you I hear your words straight from your heart but I shut the door afraid to come out I'm so afraid of being hurt yet I still sneak another look I know that you're here you're back here at last now it's my turn to run, no looking back but God knows me better than I know myself so unknowingly, I turn around I run back to you but are u still there did you return to them or wait for me to care when you came back who did you see? did you see them or did you see only me? I know the answer that I want to hear but I'll let you say yours while I cry out my tears I know I promised I know I said forever but please understand that I'm scared...does it show? so is this for real or is this pretend because if it's true I don't want it to end *alrite that was kinda weird cuz sometimes it rhymes and sometimes it doesn't, oh well...still workin on it...* * * * also written on august 29... "untitled as of now" but around you I can't hide I let myself peek through no more lies around you I can't help being me and I'm starting to like the person I see I find myself opening up to you even though I tried so hard not to so I run away or at least I try to I try to hide but then I find you it's impossible for me to stay away from you so please be patient with me while I learn to trust too where is the trust the child naivete whole-heartedly believing total surrendering what have I become? in this strange world cynical, doubtful betraying, unloyal exhausted, untrusting I'm tired of trying I just don't fit in here and I'm sick of the whining I can't help them anymore I can't be around them so I'll seclude myself and hide within too many people greedy, using they take all my strength my love, my life, my energy so let me be alone with You let me shine, only for You for You and for the one the one that you choose the one that I'll love and who will see me the one who is brave enough to love me for me and then we can be in that still forest close to You, Your creation Your morning where there is peace beginnings anew fresh starts, clean slates and the hearts of two two You have chosen just for each other when there is You there will never be another and so I look and I hold on tight to this hope You've given me, this light I hold it up and shine it for You so others may come back to You too * * * written on august 30... "almost" (revised) I can almost see you in your hand, a single wildflower shyly you look into my eyes offer it to me with all your love and undying devotion I can almost feel your hand in mine as we are walking through the sands barefoot, gazing up at the star-filled sky full of hope, full of joy full of love the mighty ocean crashes behind us laughter bubbles out of my heart and spills out on the racing wind dances playfully in the salty breeze I can almost feel your arm around me your gentle touch, your strength, your warmth wrapped around me, protecting me I can almost hear your voice whispering in my ear your warm breath tickling my neck I can hear the smile in your soothing voice I can almost smell your familiarity the comforting sense of knowing that you are here I can almost feel the warm gaze of your chocolate-brown eyes on me you make me feel beautiful, alive filled with carefree thoughts, life I am light, I am a child, I am free I reach out to touch you but your image shatters with a single touch and too quickly my dream comes to an end I open my eyes; you are not there I am alone once again. reality sets in, and with reality, disappointment takes its toll. a lone tear finds its way down the familiar path on my cheek * * * written on august 30 also... "untitled for now" I want to believe you but are the words you're saying really true? cuz when I opened my heart up you took it and ripped it in two how can I trust you? over and over I say this you say that we cry we laugh we make up and again it happens ...what went wrong? I'm so tired of being hurt by you of being told things that never come true empty promises broken friendships all is forgotten can it ever be the same again? how can something so broken be made new again? please don't tell me you're coming back if you're really living a double life why do you lie and where are you now you say you're going to change you say you're coming back it's different now so why do you do the same things you used to? or do I just not see the change that is inside of you am I that blind, that ignorant you tell me you're coming back to hold on, to wait well I'm right here so where are you? patience, you say? how long must I wait how long is forever you said it was a ______ and ______ thing that it was "between us _______ and _______" but I'm not a _____ and you're not a ______ this whole thing is pretend ...so is the forever part of our relationship just pretend? does it mean nothing? an unattainable goal, a faraway dream we both reach for is this whole world pretend? no moe fairytales, please my fragile heart can't take them anymore they're nice while they last but now they're gone I've never cried so much over someone but when I'm with you, and only you I forget everything I see nothing but you and yet you completely ignore me when she's around so what am i? some dust on the ground insignificant, unimportant useless, invisible I can't hold up the forever all by myself I hate breaking promises but I hate dying even more and what I'm doing to myself is tearing me apart inside I can do it no longer so I guess this is hello, or goodbye now it is up to you I've done all I can it's your move ...catch me or let me fall away from you * * * written on august 31...for a friend... false hope crushed dreams you've given up trying broken friendships empty promises meaningless words nothing holds joy anymore no peace in your heart no rest for the burdened let it go no more coldness no more hardness no more anger let it go no more bitterness no more resentment no more vengefulness no more double life faith, hope, and love without these things we are not alive dead to life, that's how you're living you're walking around with a fake cheeriness but you're soon out of control you're losing it slipping drowning suffocating about to burst can't hold on much longer powerless don't you see? the power He has over you? don't resist Him don't turn away so much knowledge so little feeling or understanding from your heart well if you've never known love I will keep loving you anyway if you're losing faith I'll pray you keep holding on if hope has no meaning it's just a joke I will keep hoping because I can't just give up I know you've tried so much and I have no words to say no answers to give nothing to offer I don't have the right to tell you I understand to tell you anything at all so I'll let God work in your life while I continue praying for you and for now, that is all I can do I will have faith I will have hope I will have love until you learn to open up and trust again * * * alrite i'm done for now...if you guys made it this far, i applaud you and thank you for actually reading what i have to say...anyway i just had to get that out. but now i am left with a spinning head and tired eyes, so after one more small post, i will leave. dreaming aloud at 12:15 AM
01 September 2002well...i haven't posted in a while...and i haven't been writing in my journal either. *sigh* it's just too much stuff that's been going on to write about!!! and i get tired, and don't wanna write about it, and i'll say like "i'll write about it tmrw..." and then i don't cuz tmrw comes along and MORE stuff happens!!! and stuff just piles up. so whatever. anyways lately i've been writing a lot of poetry...it's not that great...but whatever. i mite post some of it up here...anyways. u know...i wish i could be good at at least ONE thing...like really good. i mean, i see all my friends, and they all have their special like talents or whatever. i always feel so...iono...untalented. *sigh* it's not like i'm jealous of them or anything...well in a way i guess i am, cuz i want to be sorta like them, u know, be great at something, but...iono. bleh. i have a headache and don't know how to express myself thru words rite now. not functioning. must go before i ramble more. i'll post some poetry up here laters.dreaming aloud at 10:03 PM
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