30 July 2002i finished my painting today! hm that was fun. but i got the proportions all wrong...it looked good in my mind...when i pictured it...and it turned out all screwed up. i can't convey what i'm trying to express onto the canvas!!! ahh well. next time. so, what shall i paint next...hmm...anyway, i went to my last dance class today. *sniff* i liked hip hop better hehe. it was more fun. but jazz challenges me more so yea. hopefully i get to take those classes during school!! *note to self: dance schedule comes out in two weeks... baypoint today also. i didn't do much to help. i kinda felt outta place. but o well. i guess i'll wiggle my way back in. it was fun anyhow. what else. i guess more details later. im hungry. gonna grab something to eat...havent had dinner yet!!!! ahhh!!! had popsicles tho, TWO! yum yum. and some strawberries at freesh's house. alrite dinner time!! laters. dreaming aloud at 11:08 PM
29 July 2002something i found in an interesting blog:* * * "I can't get you out of my head." -Kylie Minogue I really don't like that song. But, that line sums up my experience for a long time. I can't get you out of my head. As a result, my emotions have been up and down, I find myself lost in thought. What do I think about? I think about you and I. But, then, I think, if we finally were together, would I really be happy? Do I really know what I want? I find that I don't. Who knows what they really want? Hopkins people complain, when they first get to Baltimore (and actually, some do all throughout) that there's nothing to do. "I'd be so much happier in a school in NYC, because Baltimore sucks." As I'm here in Rutgers, I meet people that go to New York schools like NYU, and they have their very long lists of complaints... and you know what? NYC is the city of choice for all those Hopkins people. In other words, people want something, but they don't know what that something is. So, I return to this fixation, this attachment that I write about. I can't get you out of my head. I haven't been able to get you out of my head for so long now. But, do I really know what I want? Do I even realize that you don't think the same way about me, that you don't even think about me in the first place? That you, in fact, are really annoyed and put at unease as I unwittingly act upon how I feel during our interactions? Those of you reading this post may be wondering whom I refer to. It's pretty much my fantasy that I am addressing. My fantasy of someone. My fantasy of my career. My fantasy of what would make me satisfied. The genius of God in saying that He's the only thing that will satisfy us lies in this: we really don't know what we want. We think by wanting all these corporeal things, by wanting a romance, by wanting a phantom called Success, we will be satisfied when we get it. But, the genius lies within the incorporeal, incomprehensible nature of God. We can't imagine what He looks like. We can't smell, touch, or hear Him. But, He's there. He can't be imagined, but He's in a relationship with those who believe in His Son. What we could ever want is Something outside of us. The thing that kills me is that I still turn to the promises of instant pleasure made by modern entertainment, and my body's desires. I am caught in the habit. I will be fighting this habit for a very long time. How can I fight to seek the greater pleasure in God? How do I keep that Hope, that Promise alive for every waking moment? How? * * * What Tim Kang wrote really hit me. It seems so similar to what I'm going through...yet he has figured out so much more than I have. I guess this is my lesson for the day. dreaming aloud at 11:19 PM
 Which Middle Earth race are you? go to:the quiz! miss ya heun. and all other atdp buddies i've made. (not that any of u read this...) dreaming aloud at 11:02 PM
i started my painting today. that was fun. i'm painting a daisy, with acrylics on a small canvas. but i want to paint some more, and i don't have any inspiration. i don't know what to paint. i have ideas but i can't draw them...any suggestions from my readers? (if i have any...) dance was also fun. intro to hip hop. nice and slow, teehee. i think i picked up almost all of it. it was a makeup class, cuz me and freesh aren't gonna be here for the next two dance classes. tmrw is intro to jazz, our regular class. our last class this summer...*sniff*. i hope i can fit in jazz and hip hop classes into my schedule next year. anyway, now i'm at home and i'm kinda bored. no one to talk to...a million things to do but no motivation. that's so pathetic of me. i even tried calling my friend earlier tonight, but i guess his line is busy... go away!!! *runs, waving at the air* i'm trying to chase away the invisible waves of jealousy and hurt... why do i let this bother me so much?? i read someone's subprofile today, and her life sounds so similar to mine...it's pretty scary. on a happier note, i was watching the disney channel and saw a preview for a movie called...a ring of endless light!!!!! aaaaahhh!!! can't wait. i think it comes out in mid-august or so. hm. i was thinking...do you fall in love only once in a lifetime? do some fall in love more than once? what if others never fall in love at all?? can you love someone and be around that person, knowing that you will never end up with that person? or what if you end up marrying someone else, someone you also love...does your love for that other person lessen over time as your love for your spouse grows? or is a tiny corner of your heart still dedicated to that one person? will you have room in your heart for both? how do you know if you're in love with someone anyway? dreaming aloud at 9:51 PM
26 July 2002well fellow poet, there you go. my two poems i've been working on...or well the ones i was working on last night. yes they're kinda sappy and corny and pathetic, and they still need some work, and they have no form...but...well there they are in their raw nature. o yea and they're kinda long. hope ya didn't fall asleep readin em. anyway i must be gettin to bed cuz i still have class tmrw, so gnite everyone! sweet dreams. (speaking of dreams...i've had really really strange ones lately...and they're so long and vivid and...well just weird. i wonder if i'll have some tonight...or why i'm having them so often, all of a sudden.)dreaming aloud at 1:40 AM
you can't avoid love :: me why do I cry myself to sleep so many evenings I'm tired of shedding these tears for you when you don't even notice, you don't see me. pushed and pulled, where do I go? mind whirling. one look from you one word one touch and you've captured me one smile one call leaves me breathless and giddy smiling and soaring above the clouds and then you ignore me and I come crashing back down to reality. I liked the fantasy... (what is the line between the two anyway?) I've tried so hard to push you out of my mind but I just can't seem to get rid of you you keep creeping in, seeping in, soaking through my deepest soul, my innermost thoughts, my lonely heart. what is this power you have over me? little things you do I melt under you. how many times must I cry over you? struggle wrestle battle between mind and heart exhausted. sweat drips down my brow tears pour out and run down my face like raindrops racing down a windowpane hurt sears through my bruised heart as I see you with her once again hope shatters nothing else matters confidence falls flat on its face my battered, broken heart cannot take another stab another rip another tear I can't bear to look at you anymore... but I can't pull myself away there's no avoiding you or her where can I go? to hide and get away from you what can I do to make you love me too not trying to be desperate but I'm desperately heart over head over heels in love with you and at the same time so afraid of what I'm feeling what's going on inside of me raging emotions like huge waters in the sea sometimes high tides sometimes low and then it goes and I'm left with the lonely ache of emptiness the gentle throb of pain I've tried to forget about you but it takes a lifetime to forget someone; two lifetimes to forget someone like you and still, at nine o'clock, instinctively I glance at the clock and wait for the phone to ring alert and tense, ready to spring the phone rings but it's not you I look at the phone but never get up the courage to call I tell myself I will spend time away from you but even my heart knows I'm telling a lie why try contact with you is inevitable my eyes wander over to yours I look at you and I melt I forget all the promises I've made to myself and all the logic I've reasoned with myself and all I can think of is you what is this control you have over me my feelings my moods my emotions my thoughts my actions my longings my desires I'm swept away why are you still here lingering in my life? do I have to tell you twice? why are your footsteps so deeply imprinted in my heart? how did you gain access to the deepest recesses of my soul? when did you enter? what am I supposed to do with you now? we said we'd always be friends is that a promise we'll be able to keep? you've promised me so many things in the past I know I'll always be your friend will you always be mine? I long to be close to you once more you called me a dreamer you made me dream big I can be a kid around you and know that you won't judge me and I hope you know you can be yourself around me too I'm still holding onto the promise that you're always there for me and then I see: a shadow of doubt crosses my mind a flicker of fear enters my soul bravely I push them away everything reminds me of you everything makes me think of you I don't understand isn't love supposed to be beautiful? so why does it hurt so much? to love and not forget reality so harsh, so cold, so cruel unforgiving no room to grow slaps me in the face making me wish I stayed in my dream but is it foolish to hold on to the hope for a true magical love someday? a love so pure, so strong, so bonding, and at the same time so gentle and healing, that it restores my soul that I will find rest once more is it only wishful thinking? dreaming aloud at 1:31 AM
25 July 2002is it love? :: an interaction between two peoplecrush. breathless. anticipation. tingly. spark up and down spine. shiver. giggle. sparkle in eye. blush. heart pounding. mind racing. tongue-tied. break a sweat. flush. beads of perspiration dance on forehead. butterflies flutter in stomach. "Hi." flustered. drop pencil. blood rushes to head. light-headed. giddy. excitement. fuzzy warm glow of happiness. joy. peace within. patience. forgiveness. hope. smile-- a love letter of the heart. relief. sigh of contentment. tears-- thank you notes of the soul. encouragement. faith. love. dreaming aloud at 11:46 PM
please, my friend, please don't say anything more to hurt me...i can't take anymore hurt. i thought i had no more tears to cry, but i guess i was wrong. my whole life is a paradox. i just realized that today. hm...maybe the dragon does fit me better...altho i'd like to be a unicorn. :) dreaming aloud at 11:25 PM
last night i was on a poetry kick, so i stayed up til 3 am, writing. i almost finished two poems. one's short, for me, and one's pretty long. i also did devos last night! woohoo! finally. i should do them more often. thnx anton for the article. it was kewl. maybe i'll go to the site more often. today was fun. well, tonight, i should say. cuz i woke up around 12 (oops, was sposed to be at school around 12:30, sorry alan!) and left the house around 12:15 (had to go back cuz i forgot my cell phone *sigh*), so i really left around 12:30, got there like 1:15 or so but as i was walking up the hill, i realized i had left a bunch (heehee, bunch...heun and spanx) of my supplies in the car, so i hadta call my mom for her to come back. luckily, she was sorta nearby still, but there was construction so it seemed like forever until she came back. so i ended up getting to class at like 1:30...oops. anyways i had to stay til like 5, working straight thru. no lunch break. :( of course by the time i woke up, it was already lunch time...anyways then at 5-ish, i got to go to the dorms with heun and spanx. we waited for a ride up cuz of all their stuff (projects from class), and two other girls were with us too. then since there was five of us plus two people in the car picking us up, all seven of us squished into their little car. i got to sit on the floor (again! second time this week...yesterday was the first this week, in steph's mom's car...it reminds me of roger and his putt-putt...*sniff* i miss him...sept 9!!!). so we got to the dorms, and they took me up to the girls dorms. we went inside and the guys tried to introduce me to some of the girls and to see if i could borrow a skirt or something. (stupid heun and spanx didn't tell me it was a "formal" dinner!!! thanx guys.) so spanx starts looking for girls to introduce me to (they were all scurrying around, tryin to get dressed for dinner, cuz by that time it was like 5:30 already), and the first girl we bump into is...BRENDA!!! ahhhhh!!! i haven't seen her for soooo long. i saw her for like a nanosecond last summer, but we didn't really get to talk. i met her like two summers ago...we had public speaking together. that's actually when i met heun too. anyways. so i got to catch up a lil with her tonite, so that was fun. dinner was yummy too...hey guys, it isn't THAT bad!! i thought it was ok...for cafeteria food. well my mom's in a stressed mood lately cuz she has some big project that needs to be done asap and she's a really important part of that project for work, so she's bein kinda pissy at me lately. it sucked cuz this morning she got all mad at me and we kinda got into a fight before class...i almost started crying. but working on our dumb project helped take my mind off of it. anyway when she and dad and di picked me up tonite, she was STILL being all pissy. argishima! hmph. i don't like it when she's like this...she almost never is like this! well, not as bad. usually she's pretty kewl. but rite now she gets annoyed so easily. and she's tired a lot. anyway. enough about my mommie. so i hope brenda and i can keep in touch, and of course heun and spanx too. imma miss them...tmrw's our last day of class! in a lot of ways, i'm so glad, cuz i hate that class. but imma (surprisingly) miss some of the ppl in that class...heun, spanx, cameo, kelsey...and pissing off alan was kinda fun too hahaha. but actually, we worked together pretty well on our last project. i think that was the best project i've done in the whole class. how sad. hmm. i was deciding whether or not to post my poems up here, but i guess i've decided against it. i still hafta work on them a lil. the endings are kinda screwy. if u guys are interested in seeing em, ask me about them. yea. anyways. i think i'mma go do some hwk now...ugh. laters. o. one more thing. moki u are evil!! i hate when ppl tell me they hafta talk to me about something...and then don't tell me what it's about!! but i guess this is how u felt when i told u that too...argh. poooop. o well. my mind is already whirling about other stuff...i don't need to add to the clutter. i don't think i have energy to even try to guess what it's about...so whatever. did u bring me back some sand from hawaii? jk. dreaming aloud at 11:02 PM
You are the Dragon. In medieval Europe, dragons were considered mostly evil and a generally bad omin. Christianity linked the dragon with Satan because of the dragon's snake-like apperance. However, to the Orient cultures the dragon was a symbol of widom and roalty. It was a benign animal and the fifth creature of the Chinese zodiac. It resided over the east and the sunsrise. It was also said to bring rain and the springtime. The dragon is interesting because it combines all four elements: air, earth, fire, and water. It could fly, had the horns of a ox, breathed fire, and resided over the moon. or  You are the most universal mythical beast ever. Sightings of the unicorn have been reported from all over the world, even in these modern times. Unicorns are pure and incurruptible. In China, unicorns symbolised gentleness, good will, and wisdom. Christianity links the unicorn with Christ. It is said that unicorns would only allow virgin girls to see them, let alone touch them. They were easily lured into fatal ambushes by a virgin with some potchers waiting for the unicorn in nearby bushes. A unicorn's horn was a highly prised possesion, which was reputed to have great healing capabilities. With the touch of its horn, a unicorn could bring back a person who had been dead for several hours. But when disattached from the unicorn's body, the magic was suggnificantly reduced and could only protect against poison. The unicorn had the body of a horse, a unique spirling horn, and a lion's tail. They were pure white in color. Congradulations, you are a rarity amoung mythical beasts. There aren't enough of people like you in the world. hmm...i dont know. which is more like me? what do u guys think? weird...kind of opposites, dontcha think? dreaming aloud at 10:17 PM
i hate when my heart and my mind are at war. endless battles. i'm tired. exhausted. spent. empty...and yet the battles are still raging. dreaming aloud at 12:06 AM
note to self: call grace (sf moma) dreaming aloud at 12:05 AM
24 July 2002well the counter worked. hmm should i keep this one or keep my old one. what do u think? yes, YOU. i like the old one cuz its cuter, but i like the new one cuz it tells you who has viewed ur site. like what site they're comin from. so at least i kno WHO is lookin at this blog. hmm well i'll keep both for now. guess i'll take one out later.dreaming aloud at 11:40 PM
well steph's bday party was today. actually, steph's and emerald's. it was a surprise for steph. i think she was surprised. yay to us. we went out to lunch at a mongolian bbq restaurant and surprised her there. went bowling too. i'm tired now. long day. very long day. and yet i'm online, addicted to blogs, surfin them and reading interesting and not-so-interesting ones. now i am trying to get a counter for mi blog. dreaming aloud at 11:25 PM
 What Spooky Being are You? More About Mothman Mothman is a tall (6/7 feet) gray creature with no real head, and big glowing hypnotic red eyes. It has a loud screech and has also been accompanied by the sound of a record player playing at high speeds, which might be the sound of it's wings flapping. Mothman doesn't really do any real harm but it sure scares the hell out of witnesses. In one case it chased after a car full of people who stumbled upon it walking around in a feild, in another case it hung around a familie's home, peering through the windows and scaring their dog. Mothman has also been sighted by large groups as big as a hundred people, and sightings of him have coincided with telivisions going haywire. dreaming aloud at 10:44 PM
23 July 2002i have this phase in summer when i get all nostalgic for my childhood, and i go look through my old books and re-read them. kinda stupid i know, but...well, that's me. anyway, i came across this book that i've never read before. (i have a lot of books that i haven't gotten around to reading yet.) but i read it yesterday and today and it's really really good!!! it's called a ring of endless light by madeleine l'engle. she's one of my favorite authors. i really like a wrinkle in time also. i hope i can get some of her other books too. but i seriously hafta stop reading books that are not my age level. sigh. it's hard to break this lazy habit. Take the Purrsonality Quiz! More on Scottish Folds: Scottish folds are a cute breed of cat that are very tudsy wudsy and have trademark folded ears, like some dogs do. They're sooooo cute!  What Was Your PastLife? argh. blogger is being stupid again. i can't read anyone's blogs!! but i could a couple minutes ago...hmm...maybe it's just my comp. well mom's yellin at me to get off the comp again, so i'm leaving. *sigh* i can't even finish a stupid blog post without her yelling at me!!!!! arrrrrgh! my parents are really getting to me...i want to go run away and hide somewhere where no one can find me...except maybe a few select people... dreaming aloud at 11:21 PM
22 July 2002my new fave song (relates to me so well it's scary):"i wish i were the rain" by SHeDAISY you said i bled you meant, i went overcomplicated, spent love's a series of broken sentences miscalculations, reconciliations seductive highs, destructive lows words that fly too fast feet that move too slow wish i could dance outside this windowpane oh, i wish i were the rain 'cause it can fall as hard as it wants to gingerly drip down a lover's face cry for hours and weeks on end and never feel a bit out of place and it can feed a field, put out a fire and never feel the pain i wish i were the rain i wish i were the rain i wish i were the rain oh yeah, i wish i were the rain don't speak, i'm weak you cry, i lie overcompensation, why our arsenal of hope has been bled dry don't you wish that you could live outside the insane don't you ever wish for a free reign 'cause it can fall as hard as it wants to gingerly drip down a lover's face cry for hours and weeks on end and never feel a bit out of place and it can feed a field, put out a fire and never feel the pain i wish i were the rain i wish i were the rain i wish i were the rain oh yeah, i wish i were the rain the blistering, twisted, hard-fisted blows have drowned the once fervent glow i wish i were the rain i can cry just like the rain, the rain yeah, i wish i were i wish i were the rain i wish i were the rain yeah dreaming aloud at 11:45 PM
 Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You? dreaming aloud at 11:38 PM
been doin a lot of thinkin lately. still don't know what to do about my dilemma. perhaps i will post details about it... dreaming aloud at 11:18 PM
If you're bored, read this, it's pretty funnie. fervor. remember the fervor i had to resolve problems i did not own problems i could not contain problems that kept me away from death in years i gave to my sullen self and now i wish she existed in places i could reach from here but won't try hard to find her for fear she might never return to save me from my assertive life in conquest of empty and loveless fervor. (found in this blog) These Dreams spare a little candle save some light for me... These dreams go on when I close my eyes Every second of the night I live another life These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away There's something out there I can't resist I need to hide away from the pain There's something out there I can't resist (found in this blog) yep, i had fun blog surfing tonite. super bored. want to go out. no one to go out with. nothing to do. altho i shouldn't say that; i do have things to do, i just don't want to do them. no motivation. i was in a writing/poem-y mood last nite, but i lost it...i did devos tho! *grins proudly* those devos u gave us, russ, were awesome. but after those, i had no more energy to write...*zzZZZzz* dreaming aloud at 10:09 PM
19 July 2002wheeeee!! i feel so happy and giddy and light!! don't ask...just let me be happy. *big grin* it's funny how the little things can make u so happy...or so sad...or so angry. they can change ur mood so easily. ok, fine, they have a really big effect on MY moods. anyway this day has gone great so far. i wasn't late to class today. *proud* i got enough sleep last night. woke up on time too. had a kewl convo on phone with a good friend last night, and that got me all dreamy and thinking and stuff. can't wait to see the story. um...class wasn't as bad as usual. and i didn't hafta present my project today either. woohoo! get to sleep in on monday also, cuz we have a field trip in the afternoon. yay.ok i'm done rambling for now. i bet that didn't make sense to anyone. oh well. at least i know what i'm talking about. teehee. *grin* dreaming aloud at 1:21 PM
ok freesh, i re-published everything again...did it work this time?? *crosses fingers and toes* dreaming aloud at 12:59 PM
18 July 2002btw freesh...check out june 25's post. the part where i actually wrote stuff. i'll tell u about it later, if u didnt catch it...dreaming aloud at 4:29 PM
o. just kidding. it worked! yes!!! :) dreaming aloud at 4:14 PM
hmm. why isnt my archives thingy working? they're not re-publishing... dreaming aloud at 4:13 PM
17 July 2002 Intuition. Insight. Emotions. Feelings. Take the quiz. dreaming aloud at 1:19 AM
16 July 2002darn. he didnt buy it. the tooth fairy deal, i mean. he thought my mom put the money under his pillow. but i told him it was me. yep, caught red-handed. ok, well not red-handed...red-faced? hehehe. anyway. i thought he still believed in the tooth fairy...he was so excited the night before to put his tooth under his pillow. it was so cute, it was in this little plastic ziplock bag (he didn't want to lose it). but i guess today he asked my mom about the tooth fairy, and she said it was just a "folk tale". thanks, mom.dreaming aloud at 8:08 PM
i learned viola yesterday!! with susu. thnx susu! for helpin me. its fun. i like the lower tone. :) bleh. im bored. well i have stuff to do but...dont want to do it. i jes want to relax and not worry about stupid atdp and hwk and stuff. gots my essay to do tho...4-5 pgs, due tmrw...STILL havent started! eep. im in trouble. i got "a walk to remember" on dvd!!! its sooooo incredibly good. my fave movie. i watched it last nite and it made me cry. but it was sweet. i only hope there are more guys like landon carter out there somewhere...although the chance of me meeting him is very slim...and then the chance of him liking me is even slimmer...*sigh*. well, i also got the new SHeDAISY cd! its really cute. the lyrics are funnie. more country...*grin* i miss my country music. ever since they got rid of Y93.3... oh and my brother got the new airbud movie. it was good...it was about josh's sister instead, so it was different...in fact, josh (kevin zegers) wasnt even in the movie until the end!! :( but omg...he's so cute!!! *grin* when did he grow up?! hehe i still remember the first airbud movie...when he was tiny. he was cute then too, jes in a different way haha. (ok, as u can tell, my brother watches airbud a LOT. we have almost all the movies...and he watches them repeatedly so i kno all of them so well...) ooh and he lost a tooth yesterday! my brother i mean. he put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy...teehee. so after i watched a walk to remember last nite, i tiptoed in his room and snuck some money under his pillow and stole his tooth...shh!! my parents forgot to, so i did it...haha. yay! now i really am a fairy!! :) do i get some wings now? dreaming aloud at 2:40 PM
15 July 2002 What Obscure Animal are you? More on Sugar Gliders: Sugar Gliders are nocturnal. In the wild they eat mostly fruits. As pets they love sugar cubes and other sweets. They're very small, between a hamster and a rat. When they stretch out their arms and legs they can glide from tree to tree by use of a special flap of skin that acts like wings. They're very intelligent and energetic and make very good pets. there! how's that for a post, freesh. dreaming aloud at 4:43 PM
07 July 2002
find your element at mutedfaith.com. <ยบ> dreaming aloud at 11:20 PM
04 July 2002a poem i found on a blog while i was blog surfin...from this blog I arise from dreams of thee In the first sweet sleep or night, When the winds are breathing low, And the stars are shining bright. I arise from dreams of thee, And a spirit in my feet Has led me-who knows how? - To thy chamber-window, sweet! The wandering airs they faint On the dark, the silent stream,- The champak odors fail Like sweet thoughts in a dream; The nightingale's complaint, It dies upon her heart, As I must die on thine, O, beloved as thou art! O, lift me from the grass! I die, I faint, I fail! Let thy love in kisses rain On my lips and eyelids pale. My cheek is cold and white, alas! My heart beats loud and fast: Oh! press it close to thine again, Where it will break at last! isnt it cute? er...hmm...maybe i shouldnt use that word...isnt it sweet? *grin* dreaming aloud at 10:59 PM
02 July 2002alriteys. finally getting around to posting something. hehe so quick recap: movie night was on thursday. that was a lot of fun. i came late cuz i had orch rehearsal that nite. when i got there, freesh, kel, steph, dan, moki, and alfie were playin "friends", a board game that ross invented on the tv show. anyways, the girls won, so the guys had to play truth. that was pretty interesting. i found out a lot of stuff i didnt know...oh my. hmm...some stuff i didnt really wanna know...:-/. *sigh* oh well, i'll live. awesome talk with freesh tho! im so happy. *grin* hehe what's funnie is that it was MOVIE night...and i didnt even watch any of the four movies they watched! (black hawk down, emperor's new groove, ocean's eleven, and gladiator) i slept at around 5 am and had to wake up and leave at 7:30 for class...bleh.ok...so lessee...what else did i do. oh yea. friday was pretty kewl. i didnt get to go golfing with steph tho. :( cuz i had rehearsal right after, and it would be too tight of a schedule...what bothered me is that i was really looking fwd to hanging out with her cuz i thought maybe it would help us resolve some of our tension. but she called me that afternoon to see if i was coming to her house. i thought the golf lessons were at boundary oaks so i thought it was pretty stupid to drive all the way to her house, and then all the way back for golf. but she told me the lessons were at some other golf place, in concord. AND that some other girl was taking the lessons with us too. i was pretty surprised. and actually...kind of hurt. i thought it was OUR thing, you know? like, something for just the two of us to do. i dont kno why this is so important to me. i guess its cuz i really hate unresolved relationships. i mean, steph has been my friend for so long. ever since middle school. we were always pretty good friends, i thought. me, her, kel, freesh. it was always us four. but i guess lately its been kinda weird between us...and i kno thats mostly my fault. *sigh* but it seems that every time i try to talk to her or whatever, she jes walks away...or is kinda distant...sweet, but distant...i mean, im ready to be friends again, and i thought that when we talked at retreat, we worked everything out, but...it doesnt seem that way anymore. anyways. i did get to go out to dinner with mom tho. that was pretty fun. we went to miraku. and i actually got to talk to her, really talk and open up and stuff. it was kinda weird, but it was nice...not many people i know can actually talk to their parents about stuff. i guess my parents are kewler than i give them credit for. ok, at times. not all the time. *wink* then i had orch rehearsal. which was pretty kewl, cuz the singers actually rehearsed with us, so that helped me a lot. o, btw ppls, if u want to go to "guys and dolls", the musical, i can get u guys tickets for only $5! you guys jes hafta let me kno ahead of time if u want tickets or not, and for what days. (check mi calendar on the side for dates and times, or talk to me for details) anyways, my stand partner jodi drove me home. it turns out that she plays in a christian punk rock band (she plays electric violin), and she's prolly gonna go into that area in the future. play with bands and stuff, i mean. in the recording and music industry...nice. *grin* and she knows CHARLIE HALL!!! charlie hall!!! i love passion!! and she knows all these other recording ppl, and plays with them often...she can play fiddle, electric, acoustic, whatever. so awesome. she's even involved in children's ministry! (she's got a little boy who's 8 yrs old) so she let me borrow this kewl cd. she plays with the group pillar sometimes, and is prolly gonna record with them soon. does anyone who has a burner wanna burn me a copy?? *hopeful grin* let me know... well. that was friday. i got home pretty late on friday too. and i had to get up early once again for the hike up pt. reyes with youth group. that was so much fun! even tho it was incredibly hot and tiring. oh my. 5 miles...2 uphill *pant pant pant* and 3 downhill *gasp for breath* it was really pretty, cuz on the top you could see the water and the beach and everything. (look in felicia's blog for more details about that...*wink*) but during the hike, i got into one of my melancholy, pondering moods again...i became really quiet and had a lot of alone time for thinking. i came to realize a LOT of things that were new to me, and discovered a bit of myself i never knew. some good, some bad. *sigh* one aspect of the trip was not so much fun for me...it was actually incredibly hard for me to deal with...but i wont go into that rite now. so i guess the hike was painful in more ways than one... anyways, that night was freshmen welcoming for our youth group. it was pretty fun. eddie's really kewl, and so is cindy. the games were fun too. but when we broke up into small groups (altho our girls' group was NOT exactly small...), i got to think about something. cindy led our small group (all the girls!) and asked us to go around and introduce ourselves, and what our "goal" for this summer is, spiritually-speaking. like, what we hoped to achieve from coming to youth group during summer, or what we personally wanted to work on in our spiritual lives. so i got to think about it, and i decided i wanted to get my priorities straight. i always seem to put my value in things that i shouldnt, and i worry too much about certain things. i guess i have anxiety problems. but i really do want to set things straight. i guess i dont really know how to put this in words, but God knows what im talking about. :) so the next day was sunday. church was awesome. in english service, we had a guest speaker come and talk. it was really interesting because he was born with a disability. hearing his testimony and his mom speak to us also was really moving. and it was based on 1 Corinthians 13, one of my favorite passages of the Bible. i kno it sounds corny, but i think i want that passage read at MY wedding also, like in "a walk to remember" (my fave book/movie of all time!) my summer goal is to memorize that passage and learn more about it. hopefully i will follow thru!! sunday school was kewl too cuz we were talking about the pledge of alliegance and current events like that. it was interesting. i wonder whats gonna happen next...if it really is gonna be banned from schools and such, and if the very existance of God is going to be wiped out and erased from our country. *sigh* our society today...*shakes head* its very disappointing...i dont really want to grow up and find out what its gonna be like for our kids' generation... after church i went to the movies with grace and elaine. we went to see the divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood...we were a lil early so we went to albertson's and bought some sushi for lunch. we stuck them in our bags and smuggled them into the theaters, teehee. the theater was filled, so we had to sit in the second row...oh my. VERY close up...haha and we were eating the sushi, and it smelled like fish all around us...i hope nobody minded...oops. *sheepish grin* eh...it wasnt THAT great of a movie...funnie tho. hmm so after the movie, we went shopping in broadway...lookin in places like pottery barn for wedding gifts (grace needed to buy a few) and nordstroms and the limited for a dress (grace needed a dress for a wedding shes going to). well we didnt find anything. darn. but it was fun anyway. we talked about the show, trading spaces. sounds kewl, i must watch it sometime. ooh and at pottery barn, there are these bed sheets, pillow cases, and comforter that are to die for! they look so cute and comfy...they are def on my wish list. if only they werent so expensive...actually i was scared to look at the price, so i STILL dont kno how much they are...maybe its better that way. hehe. more summer projects...to make that cute lampshade we saw! and the curtains...and pillows...and everything else! haha. anyways. elaine had to go home, so we went to church to drop her off (her car was there). then grace drove me home. but when we got there, we were already semi-deep into a good convo, so we sat there awhile, in front of my house, in her car, still talking. finally she asked me if i wanted to go get some ice cream or something and talk more there. (it was getting too hot and stuffy in her car) so we went to cold stone and talked for hours. i got home at 9:30, hehe. *blush* oops. mi mom was not too pleased that i had lost track of time. *wince* oh well...s'all good now. anyways, grace is so awesome! i got to spill to her what was bothering me, and she totally helped me and listened and gave me advice and shared her own experiences and stuff. very supportive. i luv her so much! and i really miss roger...we sang "better is one day" at church that day and it reminded me of him...that song always reminds me of him. *sniff* i cant wait til he comes home. hmm...gotta check with grace on the date he gets back... well. yesterday was interesting. i had a talk with one of my good friends, and that was rather interesting. i saw minority report, a really good movie but still kinda scary. ok so i get scared really really easily at movies...*blush* i hope ppl dont mind when i jump in movies...anyways it was very thought-provoking...and a lil creepy cuz i couldnt really sleep at night...or well i was kinda scared to go to bed...shh! u didnt hear me say that...er...read me type that... ooooh. mi brother was watching this disney movie on tv. "get a clue." and the guy in there is so incredibly cute! *sigh* adorable...his name is jack in the movie. iono what his real name is. lexi, or lindsay lohan, and her best friend jennifer are cute too! i think that was one of the best disney channel original movies ever. jes my humble opinion tho. *grin* on a different note, i think one of my good friends is mad at me...or has a problem with me. he isnt really talking to me lately...altho i cant say ive made too huge of an effort to talk to him either. i think im scared to...i dont kno why. i guess im scared of pushing him or something. i dont want to come across as overly aggressive (altho i think i blew that already, seeing as how i can be extremely violent sometimes...). but i guess i jes dont want to seem like im chasing him or something. and its kinda complicated...with my other good friend and everything...it being all tense and such. *sigh* i'm ready to be their good friend again...cuz rite now it doesnt seem like we are good friends...but it doesnt seem like they want to, or are ready to be good friends yet. :( *sniff* if you know who you are, and are reading this...i'll be right here waiting for you...both of you...i'll be your friend for a lifetime...forever...i guess i'll jes hafta see where you guys want to take our friendship tho...what you guys want to do with it. whatever you choose, i'll go along with it...but i really miss you guys. ok, Bible verse of the day: "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal." ~1 Corinthians 13:1. lets hope i can memorize this! o yes. and i got my viola, FINALLY, from mr brown. kevin dropped it off at my house today. thanx kevin! now i must practice with susu...*sigh* the dreaded word...practice. well i think this is long enough for now. congrats to those who actually made it thru reading this far...*clap clap clap* dreaming aloud at 10:53 PM
dreaming aloud at 2:40 PM
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