31 March 2002pushed and pulled in so many directionswhich is the way i want to go? when do i get to do what i want to do? i'm tired of living up to other people's expectations tired of putting on a face for them weary and numb from all the battles between my heart and my head let me be myself let me be free rain gentle cleansing refreshing renew me lift my spirits wash away the hurts the pain the stress free me restless wandering spirit hypocrite fake like the dead walking... nothing in this world captures my attention nothing holds my interest i cannot sit still my mind wanders as i drift off into a dream so sick of feeling so sick of emotions yet they are what make me alive what make life worth living but if so, why am i so miserable? why do i feel so numb? exhausted from burying emotions deep inside covering them hiding them pushing them away i am dead to life what good is living if i live without emotions? my heart flutters as i see you walking towards me i tell my jangling nerves to calm down i quiet the wings of my heart, ready to take off at the very second you give me a sign i smile in anticipation of your locked gaze but you walk right past me do you even see me? quickly i kneel to salvage the hurt i scoop up the bruised flesh lock my battered heart behind bars afraid lonely unhappy but what can make me happy? how can i be happy without getting hurt? is love all about taking risks? is anything for certain? why is it that we must be broken before we are made whole again? when will all my questions be answered? the above: random musings and thoughts dreaming aloud at 12:25 AM
cheese and chocolate...weird but yummie. surprisingly enough, they go well together, for me at least. both comfort foods. both soft. one salty one sweet. both satisfy my random cravings. mmm...*licks lips*, *grin* another poem of sara's that i like: for you I see you all alone Afraid to face the day I cry for you You seem so unsure Of who you are I pray for you You want to find a purpose A reason to exist I'll show it to you You ignore my gentle whisper You think I'm crazy I hurt for you Long nights spent crying Staring out the window I can see you Days and weeks go by Nothing changes I long for you Now you come around Looking for me I wait for you You feel my presence But shut me off I am still here for you Finally you're ready To accept me I reach out to you Long time ago Upon a tree I died for you it reminds me of easter sunday. resurrection sunday. which is tomorrow! or actually...technically it's today. hehe. dreaming aloud at 12:10 AM
30 March 2002i was blog-browsing, and i came across some really good poems that i like. someone named sara kruszka wrote em, and i hope she doesnt mind if i copy one into here...but it really describes and puts into words how i feel rite now.refuge (a song for a friend) my heart's been battered and bruised by those i thought i loved the most now it's turned to stone, my eyes have turned cold and i've run away from You so this broken heart, lies within a wall that i will not remove and try as You might, i know i won't i won't let You tear it down and the darkness in my soul longs for Your light but the glimmers of hope get lost in the shadows oh how i want to be want to be lost in Your love oh how i want to know want to know the depths of Your love the depths of Your love for me i believe it will never be i don't think i can take it to take the risk, to let my guard down my heart won't allow me for the pain would be too much yet i hear You calling, calling to me oh how i want to be want to be lost in Your love oh how i want to know want to know the depths of Your love the depths of Your love for me dreaming aloud at 11:43 PM
jo u ch y 72: u are the heaviest sleeper i have ever seen purpleangel1127: hahaha purpleangel1127: :-) purpleangel1127: i totally conked out purpleangel1127: :-) jo u ch y 72: when u fell i alseep, put the phone down,i took a shower, watched soem tv, and got ready to bed, and picked the phoen back again jo u ch y 72: and u were still there jo u ch y 72: then i tried to wake u up purpleangel1127: HAHAHA jo u ch y 72: by screamn' and yelln' jo u ch y 72: pushn' the buttons jo u ch y 72: turning on my radio really loud purpleangel1127: i AM a heavy sleeper jo u ch y 72: guitar.. piano purpleangel1127: im oblivious purpleangel1127: what can i say purpleangel1127: i woke up when i heard some recored voice jo u ch y 72: i couldn't even get u to snuffle or sumtn' purpleangel1127: saying, if ud like to make a call, please try again, or whatever.,.... purpleangel1127: hahaha purpleangel1127: snuffle jo u ch y 72: sunffle-uflegis jo u ch y 72: ure snuffle creme jo u ch y 72: haha purpleangel1127: snuffle-upagus purpleangel1127: from sesame street:-) jo u ch y 72: oooh thats it jo u ch y 72: ooh yea jo u ch y 72: it just sounded familiar to me purpleangel1127: HAHAHA snuffle uflegis:-) purpleangel1127: teeheehee dreaming aloud at 11:19 PM
 Very cute, very pink, and very feminine. That's you. Find your inner rubber ducky. found a quiz that kinda applies to me!! (cuz i'm a duckie...its mi nickname, for neone who didnt kno) well today was pretty uneventful...i mean, i DID play violin for like 7 hrs straight...or maybe 8. well, with breaks in between...cuz i was playing at northcreek church, for their easter program. it was actually pretty fun...i thought it'd be boring. but the people are all really nice. i think i fell asleep on the phone again, last nite! :( oops... it feels really weird to not hafta worrie about hwk and all that other junk...its great...but it feels funnie, cuz i'm not used to it, haha. blah...im bored...i didnt get to go to yg tonite...so i have no one to talk to cuz theyre all still there apparently...and no one's online...:( it's been a while since ive actually been bored. i mean, i guess i have stuff to do...but there's nothing on tv...and i don't really feel like reading. i miss my best friends. well they're comin home tomoro nite so yay! i want to go shopping...but who can i go with? no one is fun to go shopping with...cept my best friends. :) i need someone to talk to...to hang out with... i've been in a really irritable mood lately. i don't understand it. everything and everyone pisses me off, aggravates me, provokes me like no other. argishima! lately i've been feeling lost, kinda jes wandering around aimlessly, with no real purpose. its weird...cuz i kno God has a purpose for me...i guess i hafta wait and see what it is, exactly. i need to have a bigger faith, and i kno i definitely need to get my devotions and quiet times back on track. sigh. im not really motivated tho, i have no idea why. im not really motivated to do anything anymore. all i wanna do is be a social chatterbox and talk to friends and do fun stuff. but yea...i kinda feel lost...like i dont belong here on earth...i wish Jesus would come back NOW. hehe. then i can go to heaven and be with Him. my friends. i have no idea whats goin on with them. i dont feel like i have that many close friends. ok, i have some . but it still feels like i cant tell them some stuff, cuz maybe they wont understand...or maybe they'll judge me...iono what it is exactly. its that fear factor i have...of opening up to people...and not trusting enough. nothing fills me...im not content with anything. i guess its cuz ive been trying to fill my life with earthly junk, and i kno that wont fill me at all. i kno in my head that only God can fill my heart completely, that only He can satisfy me completely...but i guess my heart doesnt kno that yet. well...more pondering later. imma do some laundry now...:) dreaming aloud at 10:07 PM
29 March 2002today was the last day of school before spring break. i'm so excited for spring break! mine's gonna be a packed and busy one, but i'm really looking fwd to it. should be fun. i'm taking driver's ed, finally. and i have a buncha other things goin on too, like praise team practice, yg stuff, going away party for hommage, bday party for jefferina, some ina bean time...etc etc. :)well i'm kinda tired rite now, so i'll post some more later. mi comp's also being screwy, so...yea. more later. dreaming aloud at 11:26 PM
28 March 2002i kinda figured it out. sorta. i figured out that im afraid of letting myself become vulnerable to others, because when i have done that in the past, i have gotten hurt. so it takes a lot to open me up.anyways, im really happy right now! felicia just called me from hawaii! :) that totally made my day. i got to talk to kevin and smee too. :) man i wish i was there...they sound like they're havin a blast. kevin said he's gonna try to get me a purple sarong, and felicia's getting me some hawaiian lip balm hehe. well that cheered me up. back to hwk i go... dreaming aloud at 9:19 PM
i've been in the note-writing and pondering mood lately. i wonder why. but i do love writing notes and letters and such, with cute stationery and fun stickers and colored pens. :) that reminds me...i still have to write back to amy and cissa! hehe...oops. maybe tomorrow, during study session, if i'm not studying for the huge *gulp* 50 multiple choice scantron physio test!! i am so bad at scantron tests. or any type of multiple choice or true/false, for that matter. i can never make up my mind. i guess i'm just an indescisive person like that. hehe. "Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give." ~Eleanor Roosevelt i love how people do little random acts of kindness for others. it really does bring joy and happiness and love to the world. it's such a mushable moment when someone does something sweet for someone else. i think that's why little things mean so much to me. i love when my friends show me they care, in their own creative little ways. i love doing those types of things for others, also. but i think, more often than not, i am on the receiving end instead of the giving end. this should not be. "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." ~Martin Luther King Jr. i think this is one of my biggest problems. i don't have enough faith. in God and in other people. i always want to know what's going on; the big picture of things. but i fail to see that little thing i could do, that tiny step God wants me to take, because i'm too busy looking at what's around me, too busy trying to find out what the big picture looks like. too involved with my world. not interested enough in other people's worlds. i need to stop complaining, step back from my life, and look at others' needs. life is too precious to waste another minute. i really want to stop focusing on what i want, and start focusing on my friendships and my relationship with God. see how i can help others. how i can be there for others, how to be a better friend. to stop being so introverted all the time, and open up a little more to people. although...i can't figure it out. some people i'm like an open book to, others i have a hard time trusting. it's not a matter of if they're trustworthy or not, it's just my insecurity and doubts. i guess i have a fear of letting people get too close to me, get too involved with my life, get too deep in my heart. i don't want to get hurt. i don't really know where this fear comes from, because i haven't exactly been hurt by many people...but i know there is something. buried deep in my heart. i have hidden it and tucked it away so that i might forget it. the memory has faded over time, but one cannot forget past hurts. even i don't know what exactly is bothering me...what makes me melancholy...what draws me inward all the time...what closes me up when talking to others. i guess i'll have to do a little soul-searching and see what i come up with. until then... dreaming aloud at 8:47 PM
listenin to lifehouse...its really good. :) ahhh i didnt go to sleep early!!! argh...i found out at like 11 or 10:30 that i still had math hwk i hadta do...and we dont have study session tomoro cuz tomoro's thursday!!! argishima this always happens to me... ugh lazy day...i need to get off mi lazy butt and actually DO stuff...instead of worrie bout em and stress out about stuff and spazz... dreaming aloud at 12:15 AM
27 March 2002darn...didnt make madrigals...o well. now i get to do orchestra and go to dland with all mi friends! :)the thing that bums me out about these auditions is that i thot i didnt make call-backs at first, so yea...that was fine...i dealt with it...and then she tells me that i DID in fact make call backs...so that kinda got mi hopes up. and then i was put thru some annoying nerve-wracking "test/tryout" thingy with all the other ppls that were called back...and i didnt make it. so...why did u even put me thru all that, if i wasnt gonna make it?? id rather jes not even make call backs...haha. ugh. whatever. hmm...some new blogs to read! yay! risiblekiwi and eunice39. interesting stuff... lately i catch myself blog-surfing...like everyday...its so fun looking at other ppls blogs, and seeing what theyve done with them, seeing what theyve written...iono, its like a private journal...filled with their intermost thoughts...and u have access to it...kewl. :) yes im nosy...:) well...lessee...today was a pretty relaxing day i guess. i didnt do much. kinda cleaned up mi room a bit...hehe. im proud. :) i NEVER clean mi room...i need to do that more often... i came across a buncha pics...brings back memories. *sigh* :) i put a few in pic frames around mi room. :) o, that reminds me. jess brought her pics from prom to school...and i got to see em. :) some of em are ok...some are cute...some are eh...hehehe. no, but i like em...theyre memories, and thats what counts. :) i wanna see everyone else's too tho...i still havent gotten mine developed yet cuz i still have a buncha pics left on mi disposable camera...like 12! sigh...i didnt take that many at prom...was lazy...haha. i'll jes bum em off everyone else. ahhh i cant believe hommage is leaving for africa!!! extremely soon...*sniff* and we wont see him til sept...man he's got guts...goin to africa for 5 months...he's goin to a discipleship training school, hosted by mercy ships. imma miss him... alrite, i think im goin to bed early tonite...not yet tho, haha. i wish...last nite i went to bed around 12:30. yay! so proud...*grin* haha hafta go thru mi "nightly before-bed rituals" again...;). i was too tired to do em all last nite...i think i should stop talking on the phone so much...what do u think annoyingcreme?? dreaming aloud at 10:12 PM
25 March 2002yes! im sleeping close to 12 today! hopefully even BEFORE 12...go me.i made madrigals call-backs...mrs maddern was jes stupi and made a mistake...forgot to put me on the list...blah. alrite im tired, i went to bed at 5 AM! only got like one and a half hrs of sleep...soooo tiiiiiired...im surprised i didnt fall asleep in class today. yay. o yea...school without felicia, alfie, and moki, is...quiet. i miss them...hehe. but i actually kinda like having time to myself...i'll explain more later. must sleep now! gnite dreaming aloud at 11:42 PM
24 March 2002aww...moki emailed me, sayin goodbye...he and the rest of the band ppl left for hawaii today (early this morning). i think its so sweet when ppl IM u or email u to jes say gnite or gbye...and lil things like that...cuz it shows they were thinkin of ya...:)prom was fun! i didnt think i would have that much fun...and i was even kinda dreading it before...but, surprisingly, i had a great time. i went to paul's with kel around 3 to get ready. nancy and steph were already there. pauls already had her hair done! it looked so pretty. kel started doin my hair, with the help of nancy and steph. they musta used like a whole bottle of mousse and at least 3/4 of a bottle of hair spray! and 20 bobby pins...well at least my hair didnt come out! pauls had 44 bobby pins...taryn had 49...they counted afterwards. :) christina came later...steph started doin paul's makeup while kel was doin my hair...it took forever...nancy did my makeup. then taryn came with jeremy, around 4? and she came upstairs too...her hair was so cute! :) and makeup too. kel burned my left ear...twice...owwie. then she burned my right ear too! haha. so i was sitting there in a chair, with a lil baggie of ice cubes held to my ear, with makeup laid out all over my lap, nancy finishing up my makeup and kel still workin on my hair, when tim and phyllis walk in. *blush* im sure i looked ridiculous...and of course, to add to all the chaos, christina was takin pics...and all the girls were talking excitedly (except me and paul haha). i was kinda nervous...iono about her. phyllis brought me and paul flowers! how sweet. :) then the guys--me and paul's dates--came. ahhhh! panic mode...i was totally NOT ready...my hair wasnt even done. i had no idea they were comin around 4:30!! i thought they were coming around 5...actually they were sposed to come around 4:15, but they were a lil late...luckily for me. :) so while some of the ppls that were over entertained and delayed the guys downstairs, the rest of us quickly finished up...kel and nancy frantically finished my hair, i threw on my dress and shoes, grabbed my bag and stuffed a bunch of useless, unnecessary junk in it, steph had fun and dusted my hair, arms, shoulders, and back with like a pound of glitter...and taryn and paul were ready to go downstairs. (they were waiting for me to finish getting ready!) while taryn was walking down, i realized i had forgotten to put on my necklace! so paul quickly put it on for me, and then she walked down...i was all flustered from trying to hurry and get ready...i do so much better when i kno i have lotsa time...and my stomach was all fluttery...but i gathered my courage and composure (and bag of course) and walked down after her...steph, nancy, and christina were waiting at the bottom of the stairs to take pics...and a whole buncha other ppl were in the living room...looking...i could feel their eyes on me...well and the other girls too of course...but...*blush*. embarrassing! a good embarrassing tho, i guess, cuz i kno i'll want those pics later...(they were takin pics too) then we gave the guys their boutenniers and they gave us our corsages...mine was so pretty! it had 3 "lavender" roses...altho they werent really lavender. they were darker...more purple-y. :) but they went with my dress! :) i had the hardest time pinning on the boutennier...it kept flopping over or falling off...how is that big thing sposed to stay on with jes a lil tiny pin?! i dont understand...it wasnt even a safety pin... grace and roger took us to dinner. i went in roger's car with taryn and jeremy, and, of course, dan. grace took pauls and kevin. dan got all sparkly from sitting between me and taryn, who were covered in glitter, teeheehee. and by the end of the nite, all the guys were covered as well...;). along with anything else we girls touched or sat in or wore...the car got all toxic-y from my hair! eww...i hadta roll down the window cuz i was gettin light-headed! dan was too...hehe. dinner was yummie. we went to kincaid's in jack london square. it was a nice restaurant...it overlooked the ocean and docks and boats and lights and sky with highlighted clouds...ahh so pretty. jessica and chris met us there, and all ten of us ate together...and the guys paid. :) haha all the girls--well, me, paul, jess, and taryn--went to the bathroom after dinner...when the check came...the funnie thing is, steph told us to do that so the guys would be sure to pay...but we really didnt mean it that way! we really did hafta go...hehe apparently, steph and nancy and a whole buncha other girls (like a dozen) last year all went to the bathroom rite before the check came...to make the guys pay...cuz they hadnt worked that out beforehand. but the guys in our group already told us they were paying...so we didnt hafta worrie bout that...dang it musta looked bad tho, when all four of us got up and walked away...haha. and then... dance! it was at the scottish rite center. when we first got there, there werent that many ppl there. we took pics...couples first...then a big group one with random ppl that i barely knew...but apparently dan knew them...ugh i didnt like that one...it was like an extended-family portrait. then we took a girls one...me, paul, jess, and taryn. then one with jes "our group". yay! ahhh i spent heckove money on pics...o well...i cant wait to see how they turn out. the couples one and the big group one were kinda awkward...i dont think they'll turn out too well. but the other two, im hoping, will. heehee the girls' bathroom was really nice...well, the lounge part of it...yep it had a lounge. couches, big fat chairs, footrests, long mirrors and shelves to do ur makeup at...hehehe. dancing was fun...if u dance and dont care how u look and what other ppl think of ya, u'll have fun...dance like nobody's watchin...dance like ur in ur room! :) they played kinda sucky music, but at one point, they played pretty good stuff...at least recognizable music! :) and "i could not ask for more" was the theme song...the last song...it was such a sweet, cute song...i luv that song. :) dan was bein really nice all nite...points for him. hehe, at one moment, he was like to me, "now ur really a purple angel..." aww. it was sweet of him to say that. (purpleangel is one of mi sn's, btw.) yay he wasnt annoying...or depressing...or mean. :) on the way back home, we switched cars...i went in grace's car, with paul and kevin, and, of course, dan. he played the second city on a hill cd and was like, "ian, this ones for u..." aww. :) (earlier, on the ride to dinner, he mentioned that there was a second city on a hill cd, and i was like whaaaat?? i wanna hear! so he said he'd play it later...) afterwards, we went to paul's to hang out...we watched princess diaries!! and ate ice cream! yum...we were gonna eat potatoes but no one was really hungry...we were all too tired...so after the movie, and after takin a buncha pics (during the movie), everyone left and me and paul showered...got all that junk outta our hair...ugh it took me forever to get it all washed out...3 heavy shampoos!! i was too tired to do more...i think paul did 5. haha. she had like this "cement hairspray" in her hair...hehe all the girls' hair was unmovable...un-muss-able. heehee. the top part of my hair was like cement...all plastic-y and crunchy...eww. the bottom was more loose and flexible and soft. but still kinda gross. taryn put that colored gel stuff in dan's hair. :) he looked so cute all dressed up! teeheehee... so me and paul went to bed around 4...hadta wake up at like 8:15 or 8:20...actually im not sure when i woke up. i had like no time to get ready cuz bert and steph came...ahh! gathered up all my stuff in a hurry...haha my hair was so funnie when i woke up, all fro-y and poofy and froofy...the ends were flipped out funnie too...all diff directions. ;) and my eyes were bloodshot...soooo tired... went to church...amazingly, i didnt fall asleep...go me! a buncha college ppls were back, on their spring break...so i got to see them...but freesh and moki and alfie werent there...:( *sniff* aaargh stephanie was gettin on my nerves! ahhhhh!!!!! i need to deal with this lil problem...i don even kno if i really like alfie that much nemore...iono whatver, dont wanna deal with that rite now. neways i cant wait til next year's prom! my own! i wonder who i'll go with tho...kel and freesh think alfie'll prolly ask me...but iono...cuz what if he asks steph? and also...he doesnt really dance...i need to go with someone who will DANCE! otherwise it wont be fun...my date definitely hasta not be afraid to dance...i guess maybe i'll ask someone...if i dont get asked. iono. we'll see... dreaming aloud at 5:21 PM
23 March 2002countdown to prom...hafta be at paul's in like 2 hrs!!! to get ready...with her, and kel, steph, nancy, christina, ...? other ppls are stoppin by too i think...ooh ok, now im starting to get a lil excited! :) yay...hmm i think its cuz it finally hit me that prom's TODAY! anyways...i gots to go do mi nails now, so i'll post more later...i have lots to post, but last nite i was too lazy to type it all...*grin*...leavin wc at 5...in 4 hrs! dreaming aloud at 12:43 PM
22 March 2002Well, madrigal call-backs were posted today. I didn't make it. I thought I did ok, but I guess not good enuf. I was a lil disappointed at first, but then I realized that I could do orchestra first period, and do spanish IV A period! AND I'll getta go to disneyland with all mi band and orchestra buddies...:). BUT...then in physio, liz told me that I was sposed to be on the call-back list...cuz mrs. maddern announced to the mads who made it to call-backs...and liz said that she said mi name...so i guess liz and pauls are gonna talk to mrs m on monday...iono, whatever. If I make it, great...if i don't, it's not that big of a deal anymore.anyways...today was the last day of school for all mi band buddies, who are going to hawaii...on SUNDAY!!! ahhh...they're all leaving...:(. so i wont see em til spring break hehe, and some not even then...so maybe i'll see em after spring break... are there any good movies out? i wanna see a movie...preferably a cute chick flick...but if not, thas kewl too...ooh that reminds me...i still hafta see the matrix again... why do i have so many weird food cravings?? u kno whats yummie...american cheese and chocolate...iono, i get cravings for those two things, usually at the same time...so if u eat cheese first, then chocolate...mm so good...strawberries and whipped cream is also yummie. chocolate pudding...YUM. *drool* ;) heehee...NO im NOT pregnant... ahhhhh prom is TOMORROW!! how did it sneak up on me?? lessee...gots to pick up boutenniere tomoro morn, do mi nails, hair, makeup, put on all mi accessories, dress, shoes...pack for pauls house...sleepover!! yay! chick flicks...(hopefully!) i really wanna see princess diaries...never been kissed...ever after...legally blonde...a walk to remember...each for like the billionth time hehe. they're all so...sweet...cute...princess-y...:) *driftin off to dreamland...* dreaming aloud at 5:21 PM
21 March 2002hehe i was looking at the blogger site, and u kno how when sign in, it has a buncha blogs that have been recently updated? well i saw a title that caught mi eye...so i clicked on it...and man, that blog is so interesting! someday i will make a comment...but for now, it's http://nyoprinces.blogspot.com/...ok gotta remember that hehehe....YES i do click on random ppl's blogs sometimes, if im bored and wanna read something interesting... alrite, its back to math hwk i go...(or chatting...hehe) dreaming aloud at 11:39 PM
phew...mi persuasive speech is OVER! sigh i stayed up til 4 last nite finishing my essay, writing my speech, and doing my visual aid...argh. i hate how he never tells us exactly what he wants from us...or how he doesn't give us back our revised essays that he comments on until the last possible minute...its annoying! and he doesnt even comment much...argh. whatever...its over now... wow i didnt have that much stuff to do today...violin lesson...math hwk...that im still doing now, cuz i only started it a lil while ago and ive been chattin ever since, haha...ooh i have that physio project...ugh. jes thinking about it gives me a headache...its huge. i really dont wanna do it...its due on monday...i havent even researched! i barely even looked at the assignment on that paper she gave us...hmm maybe i should, soon...it scares me tho!! haha. ahh...stress...is not a good thing...i actually relaxed today...after my violin lesson, i watched some tv...read a lil (im reading the fourth harry potter...i finally started!)...tried to write some "poems" but they're still works-in-progress...it was fun tho. for a change, i actually got to do stuff that i wanted to do...the only problem was that i fell asleep while doing all that...haha...guess it was a lil TOO relaxing...and i was a lil too tired...ahh im only functioning on like 2.5 hrs of sleep...must...sleep...early...tonite! before midnight...or else imma turn into a pumpkin... tomoro is the last day i'll see all the band ppls before they leave for hawaii!!! :( *sniffsniff* im bringing a buncha snack food for lunch so we can "party" haha! yum...organic, or natural foods...mm...*hoping mi friends will convert!* (i did mi speech on why we should eat organic foods, btw...) *waiting for mi prince*...:) dreaming aloud at 10:54 PM
20 March 2002To all my friends: "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others' lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment."~Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey 'A Woman of Independent Means' hmm...is that why I look forward to receiving mail, or letters, or notes, or email from people? I guess it's true. I think this is why I am so curious...I always want to escape from my own life and get involved with other people's, just because it's interesting and because I can get away from my own life for a while. And hopefully, when I come back to mine, I have greater insight on life, or I am more aware of what's actually going on around me, or what I'm doing in my life and how it affects me and others, or I have a better understanding of who I am, who my friends are, and why we are the way we are... dreaming aloud at 9:37 PM
19 March 2002I feel safe here to explore my dreams and thoughts and emotions, and ponder about whatever, without being questioned or judged. Yet lately my privacy has been invaded. I hate when you have a "secret" sn, and people somehow find out about it. I don't want some certain people reading this blog, because then I can't really be myself in this blog. This blog is for me, and a few choice friends, and that's it...oh, and the rest of the world that I don't know and so I don't care if they read it or not. But argh! How did they find out? See, I posted my blog site in my profile, and if they know my sn, they can have access to these blogs I want to keep private. Now I hafta create yet another "secret" sn. What a pain in the butt.Ahhhh! I can't believe Freesh, Moki, and Alfie are gonna be gone for a whole week...what am I gonna do without them? Who'm I gonna hang with at school?? Well Kel will still be around so s'all good...rite? Cept she doesn't eat with us...I barely see her at school. Man...they are so incredibly lucky...going to Hawaii for a whole week!! They get a banquet, a luau, a *dance*, lounging on the beach, meeting Australian guys (hopefully talented ones!), ...what more can you ask for? Especially if your *crush* is there with ya...*wink wink*. They're missing Easter at our church though...NOOO!! :( *sniff sniff* And who am I going to tell about PROM??? I hafta have Freesh here to talk to...I can't believe I hafta wait a whole week before I can talk to her...or Moki or Alfie. Man I'mma miss them...:( They're like my best friends!! Of course I gots Kel still tho, who's another one of my best friends :). At least SHE'S not leaving me too...hehehe. dreaming aloud at 10:40 PM
18 March 2002hmm...my english hwk just doesnt sound interesting to me...i think imma take a..."break"...ok ok, so im not really taking a break, im just...stopping...You know what I've always wanted to do? I've always wanted to go to Taiwan, or China, or Hong Kong. Not to those highly toured places, but to the countryside, and see what the common, everyday lives of the people that live there are like. I really want to go to those little shops and bargain with the store owners. Find good bargains. Practice my Chinese (and hopefully improve!). Shopping!! Foooood...mmm. I also wanna see those rice farmers and their cute lil outfits, with the pointy hats. *teehee* I'm really interested in the culture. And I wanna visit a painter or potter or some kind of artist. Maybe they can teach me...*hopeful smile*. Ahh...one of my dreams is to learn how to paint well...pottery would be fun too. Like making Chinese tea cups and little tea pots. How cute! I love tea...mmm. Ooh! I also want to learn how to MAKE tea...like grow my own herbs, figure out just the right mixture, and brew my own tea. That would be awesome. I am so sick and tired of all this stuff I hafta worry about...I don't wanna deal with it anymore...I wish school, people, everything would just go away!!! Aaaaah...argishima! Leave me alone... My brain is not functioning...it has reached a blockage...no inspiration left in me to write... dreaming aloud at 11:43 PM
ahhh...im addicted to AIM...noooo...must...stay...offline...ok not happenin. *sigh* well at least i went to bed before 12 last nite! im so proud...:) i need more time...i need to make time stop...so everything can go away...i wish i could make problems disappear...but then i wouldnt learn...why does the growing process hafta be so difficult? all i wanna do is have a lil time for myself, to do what I wanna do...for ONE day...thats it...jes one day...i can write poems, improv on violin, paint on canvases with acrylics, ...so many things i wanna do, if only i had time...o and thats not all i wanna do, theres many more, but those are among the top of the list... alrite, gotta go do stuff thats NOT on the top of mi list...like mi stupi english essay/speech...persuasive...ooooh...haha. im outtie dreaming aloud at 10:35 PM
17 March 2002
dreaming aloud at 8:37 PM
dreaming aloud at 8:37 PM
hmm...why isnt this mouse trailer thingy working?? *frustrated* ok lessee if i can figure this thing out... dreaming aloud at 7:50 PM
"If You Believe" by Rachel Lampa I close my eyes, And even when I'm sleeping I'm alright, 'Cause You are in my life. Once upon a time, I only imagined this And now You're mine. Oh, I tried so hard... Prayed that You'd find me; Maybe You're here today, Here to remind me: If you believe that dreams come true, There's One that's waiting there for you. 'Cause I believed when I saw You That when you want something enough, That it can't escape Your love. There is nothing in the world that cannot be... If you believe, oh oh... Everybody said That I was a fool to think That we could bear; (Everybody said that...) But I couldn't get my heart out of my head, And they just didn't see; No, they just could not. Feeling that You care, The places that You can... If you believe that dreams come true, There's One that's waiting there for you. 'Cause I believed when I saw You That when you want something enough, That it can't escape Your love. There is nothing in the world that cannot be... If you believe. Never wished for material things; Never needed wind in my wings. I never wished for anything but You...oh! I can't explain it, Someone just told me, “Go where your heart is, You'll never be lonely.” If you believe that dreams come true, There's One that's waiting there for you. 'Cause I believed when I saw You That (when you believe) when You want Someone enough, Then they can't escape Your love. There is nothing in the world that cannot be, If you believe. Believe, believe, believe, ooh.... dreaming aloud at 4:43 PM
more poems...hehe...(thanx jeff!) "The Waking" by Theodore Roethke I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where i have to go. We think by feeling. What is there to know? I hear my being dance from ear to ear. I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. Of those so close beside me, which are you? God bless the ground! I shall walk softly there, And learn by going where I have to go Light takes the tree; but who can tell us how? The lowly worm climbs up a winding star; I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. Great nature had another thing to do to you and me; so take the lively air, And, lovely, learn by going where to go. This shaking keeps me steady. I should know. What falls away is always. And is near. I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I learn by going where I have to go. "I Only Want" I want a girl who will leave me speechless Who's eyes could make stars cry with envy Who's touch could make me sink to my knees Who's fragrance a rose would search for endlessly Who's presence could touch my soul and leave me breathless I want a love that death cannot stop That could warm me in the coldness of despair That could close my eyes, but still make me see That could glide like some angelic hair That could swell my heart until it burst, but even then, death cannot stop. I want somebody who wants me Who see's beyond superficial qualities and to only me Who can discern the difference between my arms and of another's Who would crumble in pain to see me walk away Who understands, that I only want her. "Let Go" I wish i could just jump without thinking without worring yet still land gracefully To just go and feel the wind dance through my hair with the windows down and the feet up eyes closed. To just fly, and not fall to glide effortlessely, slicing through clouds with no planes or birds yet i flap my arms and struggle fly... only to feel the ground still grasping at my feet. "A Pain Like No Other" Some say love can only stem joy That love is pure and sweet. Once in love, once is all it takes. but one tends to forget, That love is evol's inverted twin. For it is a pain like no other. The pain of love, cannot be described for all words, would be lies. Like watching a cherished memory be burned alive, while still fresh in your mind. Joy in love only comes with holding. Once let go, once is all it takes. For the absence of love is the root of all evol, and therefore It is a pain like no other. "Silent Heroes" This recognition goes out To the older brothers who let the younger ones win To the parents, who always Stayed up, throughout the night To the teachers who always Gave that one extra point To the friends, who never Let a tear, go unwiped This is for those, who always Made lives, just A little more pleasant. That heroes don't need Brawn, sweat, nor blood But just a little something. And although you might Have thought such acts Went unpraised, I am Here to say, You thought wrong. ahh...poem crazy today! :) btw jeff...ur heckove good at writing!! i only wish i could express my thoughts so eloquently...and accurately...i can never seem to find the words... dang a new record! three posts in one day!! haha and all right after each other too...how sad... dreaming aloud at 1:42 AM
"Just Give It To A Boy" A heart is not a play thing, A heart is not a toy, But if you want it broken, Just give it to a boy. Boys they like to play with things, To see what makes them run, But when it comes to kissing, They do it just for fun. Boys never give their hearts away They play us girls for fools, They wait until we give our hearts, And then they play it cool. You will wonder where he is at night, You will wonder if he's true, One moment you will be happy, One moment you will be blue. If you get a chance to see him, Your heart begins to dance. Your life revolves around him, There's nothing like romance. And then it starts to happen, You worry day and night. You see, my friend, you're losing him. It never turns out right. Boys are great though immature. The price you pay is high, He may seem sweet and gorgeous, But remember, he's a guy. Don't fall in love with just a boy. That takes a lot of nerve. You see, my friend, you need a man To get what you deserve. So, when you think you're in love, Be careful if you can. Before you give your heart away, Make sure that he's a man! dreaming aloud at 1:14 AM
cute poem fwded to me from freesh (thanx freesh!!): Somewhere between the procrastination and the homework~ The incessant forwards~ The friendships~ Tthe yummy cafeteria food~ The calls to each other complaining about people~ Who you are in love with~ Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends~ The "I miss you's" and the "I love you's"~ The "What are we doing tonight's"~ Somewhere between all of the changing and growing~ The breakouts and the bad hair days~ Somewhere between the classes~ The skipping classes~ The studying for tests~ The pretending to study for tests~ The downright now studying for tests~ I forgot what high school is all about~ I forgot what it meant to cry~ I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy~ That pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart~ I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future~ I forgot that you can't control falling in love~ And that you can't make yourself fall in love~ I learned that I can love~ I learned that it's okay to mess up~ It's okay to ask for help~ And it's okay to feel like crap~ I learned that it's okay to complain to all your friends for a whole day~ That sometimes the thing you want most you just can't have~ And that the best thing about high school isn't the parties or drinking~ But it's the friendships which means taking chances~ I learned that the things we want to forget, we shouldn't forget~ They are the things which we most need to talk about~ I learned that letters from friends are the most important things~ And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better~ But, basically, I just learned that my friends~ Both old and new are the most important people to me in the world~ And without them, I wouldn't be who I am today~ So this is a thank you to all of my friends for always being there~ I luv u all...~ i find my emotions and feelings very interesting...how they work, i dont understand...i will never understand my mood changes...i get major mood swings all the time...for some odd reason, i get really melancholy a lot...kinda "depressed" but not really...just...introspective and introverted and quiet...in a "pondering" and thinking mode...i dont really know why it happens, but it happens a lot to me. sometimes i feel sad for no apparent reason...but a lot of times im not really sad (even tho i may look it), im just...melancholy...and i need some alone time...altho its great when friends come over to talk to u, like one-on-one...i realize i do better when im just talking to a person one-on-one...all my best convos happen then...i dont do good with big groups...i guess that explains my claustrophobia haha. well. i got into that melancholy mood again tonite...i dont understand, cuz i was havin a great time at the larissa lam concert at my church...and then, afterwards...i just got all melancholy...the nite was nice for star-gazing, cept u couldnt really see the stars cuz it was all foggy. :( i counted 14...:) well i guess one of the reasons i got all quiet is cuz i saw...ahem...two ppl talking...hanging around each other...and i guess i sorta got sad, and i didnt like wanna interrupt or butt in or nething...i felt i should withdraw and kinda give them space or whatever...i really dont kno what to do. whenever i see them together, something inside of me says "run away!" and tells me to put up those bars around my heart...to not let it get hurt again...altho its kinda too late for that...but i guess its some subconscious defense system my heart has...if that makes any sense at all. but like i said, ive already been hurt and nothing i do can change that...the sad thing is, i still continue to let myself get hurt over something like this...pretty pathetic, but i guess this is a big deal for me...it doesnt seem to bother them, but it really bothers me...sigh. and also, whenever i see them together, i get jealous and hurt...like, that should be me ...but its not. i dont kno. i guess i need more security and stability than what ive been getting lately...im always wondering where i stand with some of mi friends...its not just him, its other ppl too...i guess im a really insecure person or something...i have problems. hehe. i wish i had a friend to cry with...itd be the sweetest thing if one of mi friends noticed that i was like quiet or sad or melancholy or whatever, and offered to talk to me...just sit with me, and hug me and say "go ahead and cry...", meaning, its ok to cry...and maybe they would even cry with me. thatd be the nicest thing ever...ahh, wishful thinking...i just want someone to let me cry...i mean i kno i can cry whenever i want, but for some reason, its really hard for me to release the pent-up tears when ppl are around...foolish pride i guess...so i kinda need the go-ahead from mi friends, to cry... i realized that i dont like taking risks and chances...i like being sure of things before i do anything drastic...im not talking about lil impulsive things, but like BIG things...im very cautious and, hehe, a scaredy-cat...tentative...so i dont open up to ppl that easily...but i guess once i talk to ppl more, like one-on-one, i start opening up to them...the dam bursts and i jes let it all out...weird huh? (<--hehe random thought) im not sure if they actually WANNA hear all the stuff i tell them...i guess the reason i do this tho is cuz it takes a while for me to gain and build trust in someone...and then after i realize i can trust them, i start spilling everything...and i cant lie to ppl (im such a bad liar) and i cant keep secrets from ppl, so i just...tell them...i guess i dont really care if they know, if they are ppl i trust and are close to me...but i realized that u can tell many ppl secrets and they never get out, if u tell the right ppl (the ones who are really good secret-keepers, who dont even give hints to ANYone...)...but if u tell one, just one, wrong person, the secret's out...and everyone knows it...its all over...so u gotta pick and choose carefully (note to self: do that!!). ok, my goal is to be asleep by 1:30...hehe...maybe before if im lucky...but i gotta go do my nightly "before bedtime rituals" like brush my teeth, wash my face, put my lotion and chapstick on, brush my hair, change into my comfy pj's (my fave clothing!!), fluff up my pillow, straighten my blankets and comforter all nice and neat on my bed so i can jes crawl in and...*zzZZZzz*...hug my comforting teddy bear...the one that sits in the corner of my bed...and sometimes i'll read and/or write in my journal, which usually includes pondering and praying...all the while listening to music. :) it relaxes me and "prepares" me and gets me ready for bed...heehee. (yes i know im weird...or as jeffrey puts it...crazy) alrite, time to go thru mi rituals! :) gnite dreaming aloud at 12:57 AM
15 March 2002i just saw my dream dress...for my junior prom next year...*sigh of bliss* its so pretty! so princess-y...its at delia's, the "rosalyn dress"...its light pink and its fitted on the top with a straight cut and spaghetti straps, and beaded bodice...flowy skirt with delicate floaty sheer pink material layered over satin...its even got a matching shawl! :) ahh...driftin off to dream land...dreaming aloud at 11:52 PM
14 March 2002i took another personality test...hehe i am havin way too much fun with these tests...neways heres the results:The test you've just taken is a short version of the Five Factor model of identity. Among psychology experts, this approach has become broadly accepted for its accuracy and consistency. The five dimensions in this model give a complete description of your personality traits: Openness to Experience, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Negative Emotionality. Read below to see your scores and understand what they mean. Openness To Experience Your high score in the Openness category means that you probably have a strong creative streak. Your broad intellectual curiosity and your interest in the various arts set you apart. Some people may consider you somewhat of a dreamer, and your taste for variety often means moving quickly on to the next experience. This tendency makes you appear a bit flighty and inconsistent. But these elements of your personality simply reflect a character full of new ideas and charged with emotions. Conscientiousness Your high score in the Conscientiousness category means that you feel a strong compulsion towards duty and responsibility. You are probably a very organized person, and pride yourself on your professional competence. Work is a very high priority in your life, and defines your vision of success. You have a careful attitude towards making decisions, and think them through carefully. With such a strong conscience, and a devotion to accomplishment, it's likely that you're considered extremely dependable. Extraversion Your medium score in the Extraversion category defines your social identity. You are probably comfortable in either a crowd or by yourself, and spending time alone or with company is equally enjoyable. When among others, you tend to stand in the foreground, although you may not always wish to take the position of a leader. Instead, you seem to prefer moving between the role of leader and follower, as the situation requires. You probably keep a moderately active social life; you're generally on the lookout for excitement, but certainly don't require it. You tend to keep a fairly positive emotional outlook, and people can usually count on your for some good cheer. Agreeableness The Agreeableness category refers to your social disposition. Your medium score indicates someone who balances the priorities of your own inner voice with the needs of others. You tend to be concerned with the harmony of the group, while maintaining a certain independence. Depending on the situation, you might adopt a stance that defers to the wishes of others, or else assert your own individuality. In this way, you have a great deal of tact, and believe in the situational equality of people. You probably have an approachable and kind personality. People probably admire you for your ability to speak your mind when appropriate. Negative Emotionality Negative Emotionality refers to your emotional reactivity. Your high score means that you're quite sensitive, and highly reactive to outside stimuli. For example, you probably worry a bit more than most, and may feel more anger than most. In addition, you may be more prone to stress and embarrassment as a result of your sensitivity. It should be noted that high sensitivity often means a lowered feeling of overall satisfaction with life. But at the same time, this sentiment is often the basis for making important changes in the world. People who know you probably see you as a bit thin-skinned, and susceptible to mood swings. ...once again...very true...amazing... so, today was a pretty good day...i got into chem honors -- passed the test with flying colors! i aced that thing! 21/21...yay. but it was actually really easy...very basic stuff. in world civ, english, and physio, we did like nothing but watch videos...math we had a group project...although im really mad cuz she only gave us a 3/5...hmph. stupid "artistic skills"...we had to draw a daffodil on our calcs, making it look as artistically realistic as possible...we drew it with diff equations that we're learning, in polar mode...ooooh...ugh. ours was realistic! mrs cubillo is blind...:(. bella voce...what did we do? o yea...watch the musical america video of ourselves, "critique-ing" ourselves to prepare for disneyland (which im not goin to so whatever). dance...we just worked on our group projects...our group is actually pulling together and getting along ok now...except for a few annoying ppl...argh. but whatever...we'll deal...spanish is a joke, we dont do anything. im so proud...i got home from school and i...dun dun dun dunnn...practiced violin!! :) i had fun trying to play along with the corrs..."rebel heart"...its such a pretty song, and i almost have it! by ear...yay...im proud...and happy. :) and i had a good violin lesson today...and i got a ton of new lip glosses! (ok ok, i kno, im a dork, but lil things like these make me happy, ok?) i luv lipglosses...:). alrite gotta make some phone calls... dreaming aloud at 10:18 PM
well i had good talks with xiao hou ze and jadequeen today...i feel better. *deep breath* not completely better, but better nonetheless. i kind of know what imma do now...lets jes see how well it goes...*crosses fingers* i am havin fun takin a personality test...here are the results: Your Temperament is: Idealist (NF) All Idealists (NFs) share the following core characteristics: Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom. Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic. Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials. Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders. Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self--always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials. Idealists are rare, making up no more than 8 to 10 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers. Excerpted from Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey Copyrighted © 1998-2002, all rights reserved The four types of Idealists are: Healers (INFP) | Counselors (INFJ) | Champions (ENFP) | Teachers (ENFJ) hmm...interesting...and so true!! :) amazing...i love these tests! i find it so fascinating, pondering about life's questions, like why something is the way it is...actually more like why someONE is the way he/she is...i like finding out about my and other ppl's personalities, and the differences between guys and girls, and other stuff like that...ponderisms, i call them. :) well i finally decided on my schedule for next year...it took a lot of thought and wavering back and forth, weighing the different options...but i think im done considering...i think . my ideal schedule would be: A per -- Madrigals, 1st per -- AP Statistics, 2nd per -- Calculus Honors, 3rd per -- Chemistry Honors, 4th per -- Spanish IV, 5th and 6th per -- American Threads. Yikes...four honors classes...i was gonna take orchestra instead of stat...but i think because im better at math, and im not gonna do orchestra in college -- i jus wanted to do it for fun this year, to get more violin-playing time in (cuz i never practice!), and to go to disneyland with all mi orch and band buds! :) -- i decided on stat over orch. i hope im not killing myself... "Goodbye to You" -- Michelle Branch Of all the things I've believed in I just want to Get it over with Tears form behind my eyes But I do not cry Counting the days That pass me by I've been searching Deep down in my soul Words that I'm hearing Are starting to get old It feels like I'm starting all over again The last three years Were just pretend And I said "Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything I thought I knew You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold on to" I still get lost in your eyes And it seems that I can't live a day without you Closing my eyes and You chase my thoughts away i hope that i wont hafta say goodbye to xiao hu...i hope this is not the way it will end... argh rite now i feel like my mind is bein messed with...like he's playin mind games with me...i hate that...when guys are like that, i mean. i really want to just run away and hide in the safety and comfort of my own lil dream world, run away from reality, to not hafta deal with it all...to lock up my heart and guard it carefully from rejection and pain and hurt...to get lost in dreams and romance books, where everything has a happy ending...altho i kno its not realistical...*sigh* well its getting late, i better go...i WILL sleep before 12 sometime this week! i promise freesh!!! :) ...i mite need some prodding tho... dreaming aloud at 12:24 AM
12 March 2002aww my friends are so sweet!! u guys are too kewl...i luv y'all! and that includes U: daibmui, dustdedge, xiao hou ze, MOO...thanx for talkin with me and makin me feel loved. :) *sniff* its just constant waterworks over here tonite...dreaming aloud at 10:45 PM
NEW RADICALS LYRICS "Someday We'll Know" 90 miles outside Chicago Can't stop driving I don't know why So many questions I need an answer Two years later, you're still on my mind Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart Who holds the stars up in the sky Is true love once in a lifetime Did the captain of the Titanic cry Someday we'll know If love can move a mountain Someday we'll know Why the sky is blue Someday we'll know Why I wasn't meant for you Does anybody know the way to Atlantis Or what the wind says when she cries I'm speeding by the place where I met you For the 97th time tonight [chorus] Someday we'll know Why Samson loved Delilah One day I'll go Dancing on the moon Someday you'll know That I was the one for you I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow I watched the stars crash in the sea If I could ask God just one question Why aren't you here with me? [chorus] ([Post Script:] seeing you in February was great cliches eventually all come true "time heals all wounds" I went to get us our ninth drink and you ran out the door with another guy I woke up on the floor with my shoes on A smile on my face and I don't even care) I can't wait til that "someday"...when all my questions will be answered... It's Gonna Be Love (Mandy Moore) It's gonna be me, baby It's gonna be you, baby Time, I've been patient for so long How can I pretend to be so strong? Looking at you, baby Feeling it too, baby If I'm asking you to hold me tight Then it's gonna be all right It's gonna be love It's gonna be great It's gonna be more than I can take It's gonna be free It's gonna be real It's gonna change everything I feel It's gonna be sad It's gonna be true It's gonna be me, baby It's gonna be you, baby It's gonna be..... It's gonna be love Time in my restless sorrow pool How can you pretend to be so cruel? Maybe it's me, baby Maybe it's true, baby Maybe it's everything we're dreaming of We've waited long enough It's gonna be love It's gonna be great It's gonna be more than I can take It's gonna be free It's gonna be real It's gonna change everything I feel It's gonna be sad It's gonna be true It's gonna be you're the one to do It's gonna be me, baby (me, baby) It's gonna be you, baby The sooner you let two hearts beat together The sooner you'll know this love is forever (It's gonna be love) Love needs time now or never (It's gonna be love) It's gonna be tough You gotta believe It's gonna be strong enough It's gonna be love It's gonna be great It's gonna be more than I can take It's gonna be free It's gonna be real It's gonna change everything I feel It's gonna be sad It's gonna be true It's gonna be you're the one to do It's gonna be hard It's gonna be tough It's gonna be more than just enough It's gonna be love Oh, it's gonna be love It's gonna be sad It's gonna be true It's gonna be me, baby (me, baby) It's gonna be you, baby It's gonna be me, baby, hey (me, baby) It's gonna be you It's gonna be....(yeah) It's gonna be love I love this song...it gives me hope that someday I'll have someone who truly loves me for who I am...and maybe he's waiting for me too...I can't wait to meet him...:) Alritey...another dramatic day in the life of me...ok, dramatic for ME...sigh i dont know what i'm gonna do. I just found out today that she likes him...aaaah!! "she" is the girl that the guy i like likes also...so i guess they told each other how they feel on sunday...so now everything is out in the open...which is good, but...aiya this whole "love triangle" is getting way outta hand...i hate how he won't decide between us, or do anything about all this...i mean, he cant have both of us! apparently she thinks its kewl that he likes both of us, so one of us doesn't hafta get hurt (like if he chooses one of us...) i dont know how he feels about this or what he plans to do about this "situation" (if he does anything at all), but i personally am very hurt by this...i mean how can someone like two people equally (not that he does) and treat them equally and open his heart to both...and still expect to remain good friends with both...how can you open your heart to two different people and share your heart with both? i personally cannot make room in my heart for him as more than a friend...not if he is also sharing that space in his heart with some other girl at the same time in the same way...cuz ive opened up to him before...i thot i knew him pretty well, he's like my best guy friend...or one of them at least...and know...i feel as if i barely know him...theres so much to be known...i feel like its like summer of eighth grade all over again...and to be truthful, im scared...i fear that this will turn out like that...*SIGH*. I think I expect too much from people...like, I have really high standards for people...at least people I really care about. aiya i am too emotional...when i found out about this, i like started crying...im so embarrassed...*blush*. Well I don't want to sound like I'm totally blaming HIM, cuz its not entirely his fault...i know hes confused and stuff right now...but I just wish that he would do something about this soon...i mean, its all in his hands now...what to do, i mean...and he hasta make that decision himself, no one can make it for him. Anyways, I don't know what to do rite now...I'm kinda stuck...I feel weird, and I dont wanna act differently towards him...but actually I just don't know how I should act...cuz I don't wanna get in the way of any potential relationship of him and that other girl...she's mi friend, too, old friend...but we havent talked much lately. So I dont wanna lose any friendships with either of them as well. So I'm just confused...I can't pull away from them, cuz then I guess he'd think I don't like him anymore and that would not be good...and plus he's my close friend, so yea...but at the same time I don't want to get in the way of anything...argishima, so complicated! such a delicate and fragile situation...do something wrong and everything'll get screwed up... Man, I'm just an emotional mess right now huh? Alrite I'm done spillin all my feelings...for now...hehe. dreaming aloud at 10:04 PM
11 March 2002i am so frustrated i could cry! in fact, if anything else happens or if i get any more things to do, i seriously am gonna have a major break down...*deep breath*...ok, first of all, two of my friends like won't even talk to me...and one of them is my PROM DATE...i have no idea what's up with him...but he hasn't talked to me in ages. and then suddenly one of my other friends decides he's mad at me...for no apparent reason...at least, he won't tell me what it is... and then i have SO MUCH hwk!!! persuasive speech and essay in english, which includes a LOT of research and the preparation of visual aids, etc...and math...ahhhhh quiz tomorrow! at least i did the hwk...and then physio, tons of reading which i can never get thru without falling asleep...seriously! i fell asleep today trying to read it...how sad...i am SO tired...i need to get more sleep. o yea, and we have some physio poster that we hafta do...i guess she'll tell us more about it later...? madrigals auditions soon! hafta work on my song...i actually don't have one picked out yet...i think i'm gonna do "born to fly" by sara evans...but i hafta see if pauline can play guitar for me. (accompaniment) and i hafta learn the "alleluia" song...alto part...for mads auditions also. give up 3 lunches this week jes for practice with the whole group of madrigals and hopefully-soon-to-be-madrigals...tomorrow, wed, and thurs...:(. i hate giving up mi lunches... i think we get our schedule cards tomorrow...aaaaaaah! what am i gonna take next year?? should i take two maths (stat and calc) or should i take madrigals (if i get in), or orchestra...i hafta kick one of those out cuz i can't take all of them...no room in my schedule! :( to top it off...i hate how the guy i like likes two girls...me being one of them. i'd rather him PICK one of us than like us both at the same time...argishima! indecisive, playa guys...what poops. it makes me like him less...maybe thats a good thing? iono, i really don't wanna like anyone rite now, but of course u can't really decide who u like and don't like...i mean, u can't make urself NOT like someone...just like u can't make urself LIKE someone...weird how our stupid hormones and emotions get in the way of our daily stressful lives...poop on them... i need to set aside time each day to read my Bible and write in my journal and pray and think...i need my quiet times back!! but im always too tired...and too busy and preoccupied with other stuff (read above). *SIGH* alrite imma go try to finish up some hwk, and hopefully i can go to sleep earlier tonite...meaning, BEFORE 12...laters dreaming aloud at 9:41 PM
10 March 2002"Twice" by Christina RossettiI took my heart in my hand (O my love, O my love), I said: Let me fall or stand, Let me live or die, But this once hear me speak-- (O my love, O my love)-- Yet a woman's words are weak; You should speak, not I. You took my heart in your hand With a friendly smile, With a critical eye you scanned, Then set it down, And said: It is still unripe, Better wait awhile; Wait while the skylarks pipe, Till the corn grows brown. As you set it down it broke-- Broke, but I did not wince; I smiled at the speech you spoke, At your judgment that I heard: But I have not often smiled Since then, nor questioned since, Nor cared for corn-flowers wild, Nor sung with the singing bird. I take my heart in my hand, O my God, O my God, My broken heart in my hand: Thou hast seen, judge Thou. My hope was written on sand, O my God, O my God; Now let Thy judgment stand-- Yea, judge me now. This contemned of a man, This marred one heedless day, This heart take Thou to scan Both within and without: Refine with fire its gold, Purge Thou its dross away-- Yea hold it in Thy hold, Whence none can pluck it out. I take my heart in my hand-- I shall not die, but live-- Before Thy face I stand; I, for Thou callest such: All that I have I bring, All that I am I give, Smile Thou and I shall sing, But shall not question much. dreaming aloud at 5:34 PM
07 March 2002yay, finally got my own blog! finally...a place to be myself...a place to be random and weird...a place to spill whatever thoughts or dreams or questions i have...alrite i'll post (much) more later... dreaming aloud at 6:46 PM
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